[DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT he reaches out to ruffle Mathis's hair and then smooth it back into place.]
Many people tend to wander around at strange hours regardless, so you won't be lost for company if you decide to stay up until your bedtime. Though I'd imagine you'll want to gain your bearings before you do too much wandering...
...I wanted to leave last weekend, a-and so I was... frustrated that no one did anything about Ashlyn... I couldn't find a way to leave that wouldn't only hurt others, especially when anyone I admitted it to didn't want to let me go...
[more guilt, more regret.]
Muelsyse and Essek helped me, as well, b-but when I spoke with Lavi, he told me that... that he's always been someone who won't hold on to hope. That he tried to learn how to do that here because of Karlach, and because of... me. He wanted to hope that this would all work out, because of me, and he... wanted me to be there with him, i-in the end, too.
[...]
I never thought of myself as... as being capable of doing that for someone, until he said that I had, s-so I thought that maybe... maybe if someone else could hold onto hope because of me, then I could try to keep doing it. I said that I'd stay.
Scien's covered the question he wants to answer again, so he just adds:] No one would hold any decision that you made against you, one way or another, I'm certain. We're all in very difficult positions at the moment...
[Well maybe Karma would hold it against Mathis but Karma is insane.]
...they... went differently, yes. It wasn't-- it wasn't my decision.
[but even if he'd tell them i am beholden to not saying what exactly happened and what the plans are bc dana knows but aki does not so `a`. he leaves it at that, biting his lip and shaking his head.]
S-so I asked to die first, because it would be... too difficult to have to leave right before the end.
It's fine Lucas just assumes they probably don't want to discuss it for important reasons even if the reasons are just because the 2 living people and shoelace left want to keep their hobbit secrets. Hope someone dies in the middle of the hot springs party tomorrow.
Softly and with understanding:] It's still difficult to leave after you've chosen to stay, even if it's what needs to be done.
[ for once, scien doesn't bother with the boring, factual corrections. that at the end, not everyone got to make certain choices. that their needs and wants can change over time. that the circumstances are so cruel that it can be difficult to make sense of any of them.
he'l let the feelings get to talk. just this once. ]
People can lose sight of themselves and their long-term goals, when faced with stress and grief.
[ in both directions. of wanting to keep mathis, and letting him go. ]
[There's a little something in his vibes that sits a bit off-kilter for a second, like the hammer of a piano key causing it to stick up just a bit before a finger carefully presses it back into place.]
...Are you upset with them? Or angry?
[Little vengeance lad with his little tiny vengeance heart... He doesn't think Mathis harbors anger in this case, though. Probably just a lot of complex sad feelings.]
N-neither. I don't want to be... angry with them, any more than I want to hurt them. I already... I already hurt Ashlyn.
[he let her pull away from him. he didn't finish her in one shot. he didn't handle his partner himself until it was too late, and then she suffered when he did.]
But I'm upset that I can't be with them, and... a little upset with myself, for not... trying hard enough.
[breaks tag order for memshare to replay watching essek get murdered by his possessed partner he knew was possessed and guard dogged all trial up until basically that point
[He has many feelings about how that whole mess went but he will not burden sweet newly-dead Mathis with them, so he just reaches out to rest a hand on his shoulder.]
You oughtn't hold the full weight of responsibility. The events that unfolded weren't only due to you. Regretting certain actions or inactions may be something that you'll have to carry, and I know this is a difficult ask, for now, but... try to keep it in mind. Even if things didn't go perfectly, you still tried quite hard.
[ scien nods... he agrees with lucas and doesn't bother to reiterate any of those points ]
Besides, you were in a uniquely difficult position as someone whose life was actually attached to her. You had other considerations and weight on you that other people didn't.
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Many people tend to wander around at strange hours regardless, so you won't be lost for company if you decide to stay up until your bedtime. Though I'd imagine you'll want to gain your bearings before you do too much wandering...
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[this is why he's not surprised scien didn't offer. mathis is never up late, anyway.]
And I should, but I... I think a part of me wants to stay right here for a while, still. I'm not... ready.
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[ understanding, patient
but also: ] It's also a mess outside.
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...Yes. I think it'd be just fine if you kept to yourself for a while and recovered a bit. You've had quite the day, after all.
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[after a long moment of hesitation, quietly:]
I didn't... I didn't want to be here. I wanted to stay.
[so he's. he's still struggling with being here at all.]
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Why the change of heart?
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[more guilt, more regret.]
Muelsyse and Essek helped me, as well, b-but when I spoke with Lavi, he told me that... that he's always been someone who won't hold on to hope. That he tried to learn how to do that here because of Karlach, and because of... me. He wanted to hope that this would all work out, because of me, and he... wanted me to be there with him, i-in the end, too.
[...]
I never thought of myself as... as being capable of doing that for someone, until he said that I had, s-so I thought that maybe... maybe if someone else could hold onto hope because of me, then I could try to keep doing it. I said that I'd stay.
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Then why are you here, if you want to be there? Did discussions for the final five go a different way?
[ well
he's not surprised about that either, if people want to live or see this through to the end ]
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Scien's covered the question he wants to answer again, so he just adds:] No one would hold any decision that you made against you, one way or another, I'm certain. We're all in very difficult positions at the moment...
[Well maybe Karma would hold it against Mathis but Karma is insane.]
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[but even if he'd tell them i am beholden to not saying what exactly happened and what the plans are bc dana knows but aki does not so `a`. he leaves it at that, biting his lip and shaking his head.]
S-so I asked to die first, because it would be... too difficult to have to leave right before the end.
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but
scien just nods ]
There are too many variables at play. Not everyone's wills can be taken into account and have everything expected to move smoothly. [ . . . ]
Even so. You're allowed to be a little upset that you didn't get your way.
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It's fine Lucas just assumes they probably don't want to discuss it for important reasons even if the reasons are just because the 2 living people and shoelace left want to keep their hobbit secrets. Hope someone dies in the middle of the hot springs party tomorrow.
Softly and with understanding:] It's still difficult to leave after you've chosen to stay, even if it's what needs to be done.
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[it's difficult to put into words. he wraps his arms around his knees.]
I tried-- so hard. If I couldn't stay, why couldn't they let me go before...?
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he'l let the feelings get to talk. just this once. ]
People can lose sight of themselves and their long-term goals, when faced with stress and grief.
[ in both directions. of wanting to keep mathis, and letting him go. ]
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...Are you upset with them? Or angry?
[Little vengeance lad with his little tiny vengeance heart... He doesn't think Mathis harbors anger in this case, though. Probably just a lot of complex sad feelings.]
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[he let her pull away from him. he didn't finish her in one shot. he didn't handle his partner himself until it was too late, and then she suffered when he did.]
But I'm upset that I can't be with them, and... a little upset with myself, for not... trying hard enough.
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At what point did you not try hard enough?
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....
yea]
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I hardly think that's "not trying hard enough".
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[ but we love npc death too much ]
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...I should have... but I was afraid to kill her and end up unable to find a new partner.
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You oughtn't hold the full weight of responsibility. The events that unfolded weren't only due to you. Regretting certain actions or inactions may be something that you'll have to carry, and I know this is a difficult ask, for now, but... try to keep it in mind. Even if things didn't go perfectly, you still tried quite hard.
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Besides, you were in a uniquely difficult position as someone whose life was actually attached to her. You had other considerations and weight on you that other people didn't.
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I know, b-but you said... to give an example...
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