the layout of his room is similar to his attic bedroom in the mansion, with its angled ceilings and shelving built into the walls; it differs in the furnishings and decor, however, set up as a cozier, more nook-like space with hanging lights and multiple comfy spots to sit on the floor, books stacked neatly nearby. the bed is, similarly, very low to the floor, with pillows piled onto it.
the lights flicker occasionally as if the power might go out, and outside the window, there is a thunderstorm. rain beats heavily against it, with ominous flashes of lightning and rumbles of thunder matching up to his bad vibes mood.
mathis pauses inside the door, surprised, but finally steps further in to find a seat.]
Ah... [IT REALLY IS. HELP. Well, he thinks Mathis deserves this more than either of them deserve a good room so this is fine. He'll also step in, moving to stand near wherever Mathis goes before taking a seat nearby.]
This is certainly cozy. Will you be alright staying here...? I know you've gotten used to sleeping around others.
[DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT he reaches out to ruffle Mathis's hair and then smooth it back into place.]
Many people tend to wander around at strange hours regardless, so you won't be lost for company if you decide to stay up until your bedtime. Though I'd imagine you'll want to gain your bearings before you do too much wandering...
...I wanted to leave last weekend, a-and so I was... frustrated that no one did anything about Ashlyn... I couldn't find a way to leave that wouldn't only hurt others, especially when anyone I admitted it to didn't want to let me go...
[more guilt, more regret.]
Muelsyse and Essek helped me, as well, b-but when I spoke with Lavi, he told me that... that he's always been someone who won't hold on to hope. That he tried to learn how to do that here because of Karlach, and because of... me. He wanted to hope that this would all work out, because of me, and he... wanted me to be there with him, i-in the end, too.
[...]
I never thought of myself as... as being capable of doing that for someone, until he said that I had, s-so I thought that maybe... maybe if someone else could hold onto hope because of me, then I could try to keep doing it. I said that I'd stay.
Scien's covered the question he wants to answer again, so he just adds:] No one would hold any decision that you made against you, one way or another, I'm certain. We're all in very difficult positions at the moment...
[Well maybe Karma would hold it against Mathis but Karma is insane.]
...they... went differently, yes. It wasn't-- it wasn't my decision.
[but even if he'd tell them i am beholden to not saying what exactly happened and what the plans are bc dana knows but aki does not so `a`. he leaves it at that, biting his lip and shaking his head.]
S-so I asked to die first, because it would be... too difficult to have to leave right before the end.
It's fine Lucas just assumes they probably don't want to discuss it for important reasons even if the reasons are just because the 2 living people and shoelace left want to keep their hobbit secrets. Hope someone dies in the middle of the hot springs party tomorrow.
Softly and with understanding:] It's still difficult to leave after you've chosen to stay, even if it's what needs to be done.
[ for once, scien doesn't bother with the boring, factual corrections. that at the end, not everyone got to make certain choices. that their needs and wants can change over time. that the circumstances are so cruel that it can be difficult to make sense of any of them.
he'l let the feelings get to talk. just this once. ]
People can lose sight of themselves and their long-term goals, when faced with stress and grief.
[ in both directions. of wanting to keep mathis, and letting him go. ]
[There's a little something in his vibes that sits a bit off-kilter for a second, like the hammer of a piano key causing it to stick up just a bit before a finger carefully presses it back into place.]
...Are you upset with them? Or angry?
[Little vengeance lad with his little tiny vengeance heart... He doesn't think Mathis harbors anger in this case, though. Probably just a lot of complex sad feelings.]
N-neither. I don't want to be... angry with them, any more than I want to hurt them. I already... I already hurt Ashlyn.
[he let her pull away from him. he didn't finish her in one shot. he didn't handle his partner himself until it was too late, and then she suffered when he did.]
But I'm upset that I can't be with them, and... a little upset with myself, for not... trying hard enough.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
w7 monday
i won't be mean to mathis he's had a fucking DAY.
the layout of his room is similar to his attic bedroom in the mansion, with its angled ceilings and shelving built into the walls; it differs in the furnishings and decor, however, set up as a cozier, more nook-like space with hanging lights and multiple comfy spots to sit on the floor, books stacked neatly nearby. the bed is, similarly, very low to the floor, with pillows piled onto it.
the lights flicker occasionally as if the power might go out, and outside the window, there is a thunderstorm. rain beats heavily against it, with ominous flashes of lightning and rumbles of thunder matching up to his bad vibes mood.
mathis pauses inside the door, surprised, but finally steps further in to find a seat.]
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Not bad. I was right.
[ IT'S SO MUCH BETTER THAN THEIR ROOMS ]
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This is certainly cozy. Will you be alright staying here...? I know you've gotten used to sleeping around others.
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[now he just wants to know? sirs how bad are your ROOMS, damn.
he settles on the bed, knees tucked up to his chest.]
I'll likely still fall asleep anyway, e-even if I'm alone here... but it is going to be strange.
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[ of course it's a lab
scien will just pull up one of those comfy floor seating options and just get horizontal as soon as he can ]
That... spear...? He'd probably stay with you, if you asked.
[ even when mathis stayed with scien, scien worked through the night so he won't offer to stay over when it's endgame week i'm sorry mathis ]
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Iwatooshi? Certainly so. I don't want for you to feel alone, even if you'll still be going to sleep...
[THAT'S HIS WATER BOTTLE.]
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[naginata of comfort...
lucas gets a confused glance, though, and worried vibes when he IGNORES THE QUESTION.]
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We're on the first floor, so we're not far even if you need something later. Even if it's late, I'll be up.
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Many people tend to wander around at strange hours regardless, so you won't be lost for company if you decide to stay up until your bedtime. Though I'd imagine you'll want to gain your bearings before you do too much wandering...
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[this is why he's not surprised scien didn't offer. mathis is never up late, anyway.]
And I should, but I... I think a part of me wants to stay right here for a while, still. I'm not... ready.
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[ understanding, patient
but also: ] It's also a mess outside.
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...Yes. I think it'd be just fine if you kept to yourself for a while and recovered a bit. You've had quite the day, after all.
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[after a long moment of hesitation, quietly:]
I didn't... I didn't want to be here. I wanted to stay.
[so he's. he's still struggling with being here at all.]
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Why the change of heart?
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[more guilt, more regret.]
Muelsyse and Essek helped me, as well, b-but when I spoke with Lavi, he told me that... that he's always been someone who won't hold on to hope. That he tried to learn how to do that here because of Karlach, and because of... me. He wanted to hope that this would all work out, because of me, and he... wanted me to be there with him, i-in the end, too.
[...]
I never thought of myself as... as being capable of doing that for someone, until he said that I had, s-so I thought that maybe... maybe if someone else could hold onto hope because of me, then I could try to keep doing it. I said that I'd stay.
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Then why are you here, if you want to be there? Did discussions for the final five go a different way?
[ well
he's not surprised about that either, if people want to live or see this through to the end ]
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Scien's covered the question he wants to answer again, so he just adds:] No one would hold any decision that you made against you, one way or another, I'm certain. We're all in very difficult positions at the moment...
[Well maybe Karma would hold it against Mathis but Karma is insane.]
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[but even if he'd tell them i am beholden to not saying what exactly happened and what the plans are bc dana knows but aki does not so `a`. he leaves it at that, biting his lip and shaking his head.]
S-so I asked to die first, because it would be... too difficult to have to leave right before the end.
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but
scien just nods ]
There are too many variables at play. Not everyone's wills can be taken into account and have everything expected to move smoothly. [ . . . ]
Even so. You're allowed to be a little upset that you didn't get your way.
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It's fine Lucas just assumes they probably don't want to discuss it for important reasons even if the reasons are just because the 2 living people and shoelace left want to keep their hobbit secrets. Hope someone dies in the middle of the hot springs party tomorrow.
Softly and with understanding:] It's still difficult to leave after you've chosen to stay, even if it's what needs to be done.
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[it's difficult to put into words. he wraps his arms around his knees.]
I tried-- so hard. If I couldn't stay, why couldn't they let me go before...?
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he'l let the feelings get to talk. just this once. ]
People can lose sight of themselves and their long-term goals, when faced with stress and grief.
[ in both directions. of wanting to keep mathis, and letting him go. ]
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...Are you upset with them? Or angry?
[Little vengeance lad with his little tiny vengeance heart... He doesn't think Mathis harbors anger in this case, though. Probably just a lot of complex sad feelings.]
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[he let her pull away from him. he didn't finish her in one shot. he didn't handle his partner himself until it was too late, and then she suffered when he did.]
But I'm upset that I can't be with them, and... a little upset with myself, for not... trying hard enough.
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