Oh, I'll probably still hit him now that I know he can handle it. [debatable. she might calm down by tomorrow, especially seeing how he died. she has a point to the second half, too, but first another question.]
...how much do you four really know about what happens on that night? Just who's responsible?
I won't lie to you and say I didn't try. [because despite being a mage, aerith doesn't have qualms against defending herself. much less when someone isn't really themselves anymore. but she doesn't sound very happy about it.] But I also won't lie and say I really, really wish Yuffie hadn't been so rash. Even though I kinda knew it was a possibility. She's been through a lot recently and...I didn't want her to experience this again.
[you ever feel like garbage because you made your friends witness your death via impalement twice. it's good. it's fine.]
Then you probably know why he left me in the confessional. I know he's going to blame himself. He already did. And I don't know if he was asking for my forgiveness or God's—[she kind of says "god" a little questionably because gaia does not have christianity]—but he wanted it. I think...he wanted to try and save me before it was too late. I can't imagine how he must have felt in those moments he was himself again. Maybe that's why I can't be angry with him. Or maybe it's because I know he's been manipulated for so long that he attributes the miracle of saving his sister to all of the things he's done in the name of "purification."
He's going to fight, probably, about if he deserves to be saved, but I still want to help him.
[ there is quiet in response to that, as scien listens. ]
... it is good that you tried. I am not angry with you. I am not angry with her. Even though I cannot deny that I am also mourning.
[ his dog....
as for the rest. well. ]
We spoke on it, you and I. Those who struggle and fight against their own mind. Lucas... This was a case of the monster possession destroying him from the inside, but you're right that he's been brainwashed for most of his life. To hate Relivers, and to hate me most of all. However, even when he killed them, he thought the method he used would save their souls and let them find peace.
All the same, he is slowly detoxing from the drug that clouds his mind. However, as he does, he will have to face what his hands have been made to do since his youth. When he fights against you, know that it is with the heavy weight of every other life he's taken. It is about you, and it also isn't about you.
[ and scien sighs heavily again, and there is the sound of rummaging ]
... I will still save all of your lives. However... I will do everything I can to save his mind. His future. That is why I am telling you this... because maybe he will listen to you, when he will certainly not listen to me.
But if you succeed, I will grant you anything you think to ask for.
He told me a little about them. Relivers. About your island and the curse, too. I think that's how I realized they were all one in the same. [sometimes you're dying on the ground and put two braincells and memshares together and go "ah."] You know the side effect of seeing each other's memories is around, and...that's what I saw from him. The way he was taught that doing this to those people was freeing their souls to return to heaven. And how that minister would just drug him when Lucas's mind started to clear enough to start realizing something may be wrong. But there were also those experiences of being alone in the world. Being ignored because so many people were so cavalier with life, and feeling like it really was salvation.
...I tried to ask him a little about it, and I could see it. The way he started to struggle trying to process what he had done in the past. I would never really think it's so much about me as it is the years of those awful circumstances.
[so. yeah. she can understand enough. maybe not as well as scien does, but enough.]
The clear picture is going to scare him. But I think that's the moment he's going to need more support than ever. And...he's my friend. I don't want to see him suffering alone either. It's going to take time, but...I'll do everything I can to help him. Remind him that he can still be forgiven.
I understand that Relivers warped the way our country views life. I hated it too. That is not what my technology was built for. When I saw his memory, I understood a bit more the consequences and how it inconvenienced someone I came to care for.
... but you're right. He does get better.
[ for a moment he weighs his options, trying to decide how much he wants to say but... ]
Three years later, he's still in therapy... but he was on track to be cleared to go back to teaching. He's 25 years old and healthy. Too healthy, sometimes. [ he really is a good bodyguard but also a leash for scien ] Nadia is 15. She's well enough to walk. I personally oversaw both of their recoveries.
He doesn't remember that he chose me as his new god. But... even if he isn't mine, I still think this bright future could become his.
[HELP. there's a startled sort of noise that's more like surprise than anything with the first part and she's a little alarmed, but okay, we are moving on. that's probably for the best.]
I think in anything good, there will be people who find a way to use it for their own greed and corrupt purposes. [literally people who harvest mako from the lifestream, actually.] And I don't think that's necessarily your fault. Even a genius can't always predict how people will behave given a little power over their life.
[as for the rest, well...she listens. she listens quietly, and there's a long moment where she doesn't reply because she's thinking about what he says. "she's well enough to walk." "he's 25 years old." the genius scientist, scien brofiise, who freed the country from the curse.
when she does finally find words, very unfortunately for scien it sort of sounds like she's crying but more because...]
They deserve that much. To grow older, and not worry about only having limited time until his twenty-third birthday and to live together. [because that's been on her mind. someone kind who has been dealt such a hard burden and put through so much abuse, frankly, still having to come to terms with the fact he'd succumb to something unstoppable not long after returning home.] If that's the future that already exists...of course he still has that potential. It's not a lost possibility even if he's going to feel like it is.
[to her credit she does seem to be pulling herself together again because she remembers scien's very much not into emotional responses but let her be happy about this.]
I think you are an overly understanding person. I agree that once created, what people do with the technology is out of my hands. However... I also see where I should have paid more attention, as the supposed god of the country. I am not blameless, but I also do not consider myself the source of all evil.
[ but he does consider himself just a little evil, like he explained to shoma. i miss u shoma
but.
at the sound of her tears, scien pauses. the fact of the matter is that he knows he is asking for something practically saintly of her. to forgive lucas, to try to save him, to help in this unbelievable task. and she is open to it, despite her own wish to live.
despite her death, again.
so he doesn't sound cruel or callous when he speaks, instead his voice... not quite becoming gentler. but softening nonetheless. ]
... do you not think that you also deserve that? A future for yourself?
Maybe so. But I think I can be understanding and also acknowledge you aren't blameless at the same time, Famine. [she will just call him that unless he says otherwise. also my god i miss shoma. i miss caring not nearly as much. instead here we are.
here we are...the problem with aerith is that she is, actually, a person who would give enough of herself if it meant keeping people safe and giving them a chance to live.
"i just want to do everything in my power to help. all of you...and the planet."
that want's only expanded since arriving and hearing the stories and traumas and terrors of other people's lives. people with dangerous circumstances waiting for them, or people who feel like they're on a countdown before imminent death. she's frustrated she can't help all of them somehow, but it also isn't enough to make her stop trying in the ways that she can.
trying to save lucas is a huge feat, and she herself isn't sure she'll be as successful as she wants to be. but she can still, somehow, find it in her to forgive him knowing all of the circumstances and knowing there's a chance to make him better and save him from himself. she is aware that sounds a little insane and she's going to have to, like, cope with all of her own trauma about how she died and what that means but that's all going in nice box for later, shoved behind "taking care of cloud's mental health", too. there is no excuse not to try.
so the question does and does not surprise her based on their conversations.]
...having the extra time here has been more than I expected. [carefully said, but...of course it's still a wish. of course she desperately wishes there was some way to fix everything, go back and find a way to be with her friends to continue fighting sephiroth. it's kind of a hard thing to really grasp for her because she sort of knew there was no future, once. once upon a time, she had memories and knowledge of what would happen to her, and then those were stolen and all that was left was a semi-uneasy feeling until destined events took place. and now, being asked about a future kind of means she's still sort of struggling to figure out what that would look like.] I think...it's not about if I do or don't deserve it. I guess I don't have much of an idea of what that would look like either.
[you ever realize maybe you're actually not entirely okay with your death because you've had time to think about it. and now have lived it twice.]
[ scien will make the statement plainly. in so many of their conversations, they've danced around this exact sentiment. they've talked about wishes, what they would be used for, what could be done to save aerith's world. and then, as an afterthought, a footnote, a small bookmark—what can be done to save aerith.
a saint of a girl, really. there is still so much about her that scien doesn't fully comprehend. there is so much still that they'll probably never see eye to eye on, when aerith is so empathetic and scien is rooted in logic. mostly.
mostly. ]
I would not ask this of you if you did not already seem to be leaning toward this course of action. [ not being completely livid at lucas. forgiving him. ] But I will make myself clear.
If you help me save him, then I will help save you.
[ it needn't be in scien's typical reliver fashion, if she needs to return to the lifestream. it can follow the rules of her world, as she's brought up so many times before. it might be imperfect, if all he can do is capture her memories until there comes a time to revive her again—but there is similarly no certainty that lucas will be saved.
it is... collaboration. true, genuine collaboration as opposed to someone approaching scien in a cry for help, hoping that he might solve all of their problems.
this time, it is this god who extends a hand, waiting to see if acceptance will come ]
["but you want it", he says, and there's the small, selfish part of her that answers "badly." as a cetra, as a person in general, she always knew that when she died she'd return to the planet, and there was comfort in that. there was something safe about being inside the life of the planet itself and still acting in her will. but being outside of it now and once again seeing the wonders of life, she returns to the idea of "not yet."
it's a lot of what touched her about lucas in the first place. she recognized that same sort of helplessness of knowing that even when they returned, time was limited. they couldn't stay with the people they loved most for long. it's why she reacted as strongly as she did, really, realizing a future for him more or less handcrafted by a man thought of as a god. and now this same man is offering the same for her help to save lucas to get that future.
the thing about it all is that she'd do it on the principle of believing it was the right way to do this. it's ultimately wanting lucas to have a better life, and recognizing that scien has no way to do this himself right now. being in a place like this could easily steer lucas down the wrong path rather than the road to salvation. but she also can recognize what this is. it's not a favor. it's an exchange. and it's the only reason she doesn't argue, because she thinks scien kind of already knows her choice anyway.]
You're right. I was already leaning toward it. [but.] ...but I understand. I will help you with this.
[and in return, she will accept the help. whatever that looks like, should they succeed.]
I do not believe in accepting help without giving it in return. Fair compensation is something that I am particular about. And even knowing that you were leaning toward this.... it is only because you are an odd person that it seems to feel natural to you.
[ to err toward forgiveness. kindness. trying to save the person who cut her life short just as she was beginning to enjoy it again. scien may not feel emotions the same extent as other people, but he knows that aerith as a person is inherently illogical for all that she tries to do for others while accepting her own sad fate.
it is something that he, as a person who doles out his favoritism on his own terms, cannot accept. ]
You don't need to hide your anger or frustration from me if you feel any. I don't think that it is acceptable either to ignore the trauma that you faced this weekend.
My appraisal of you will not be hampered by a show of emotion, which is also your right, as the person who was hurt by all of this.
And I won't stop you from that. [she has no problem with an equal exchange, it's really just that she herself would never think to ask for compensation. especially for something like this where she'll have her work cut out for her.] I will take that as a compliment though.
[she knows it's weird. she knows it's weird to already forgive him when other people will be furious on her behalf, that someone like ichiban rightfully deserves to be angry for what happened and can't process his own feelings yet, that other people won't understand and aerith only thinks she does. and yet here she is. trying to do things for others. this isn't just about her and lucas. it's about helping him adapt to a world where he has to live with his mistakes at large.
but when scien says this...she does pause.]
...I'm still angry. Not at him, but at what happened. [...] With who you are, maybe you've never had to worry about this. And that's okay. But...I never wanted to die alone. [in general, she would love to not die when she was granted extra time, but maybe that was the worst of it.]
[ it's an interesting statement. he thinks he understands where she's coming from. a god should theoretically be revered and in a lot of cases, scien is. he's well-respected even though he'd rather be left alone. but when it comes to his own deaths... ]
... I have only died alone.
[ in the times that he has, which are too great in number. but to him, he didn't have the capacity to feel anything but frustration. perhaps desperation. or... so he thinks.
he doesn't remember any of those instances. he actually finds them funny to think about. but that's him, and this is about her. ]
[this does and does not surprise her based on what she's learned from him. if this man is a reliver, then...it sounds as if the body can die multiple times. that's a little terrifying in and of itself. he doesn't seem too perturbed by this though, and so when he asks she decides it's worth being a little honest.]
...yeah. [which she knows is strange when she's so fine (?) with being dead and leaving everyone behind herself, but that's a complicated issue.] I've...been alone a lot in my life. And now that there are people I love, the idea of being alone again is worse.
You must have been frightened then, when he came after you.
[ and as someone who has been hunted by lucas before, scien is aware of just how daunting that strength can be. to know that you will almost certainly bleed out from your injuries caused by such a fearsome executioner ]
...he had his hood up for most of it. I didn't know who I was fighting, but I didn't want to lose. Not like that. [she didn't want to die alone, without saying goodbye, without being able to at least try to get back to her friends. so yeah. it was terrifying in the way that made fight or flight kick in really quickly.] He's...so much stronger than I ever realized. And faster. But knowing his history and what's happened to him, I guess it makes sense. He's had the practice.
[so being hunted for sport makes sense. still...]
If I do, it won't be where anyone else can see it. [easily admitting that, too. though she seems to realize that sounds too proud, and that's not entirely what it is.] ...everyone here is hurting in some way. I don't need to burden people who might not know what to do with that when people are still trying to cope with their own feelings.
That's not entirely related, but... at this point, he doesn't even know those answers about himself. [ scien knows lucas better than lucas knows lucas right now ] But he has been treated as a weapon for most of his life.
[ but he thinks more about what aerith is saying. it's a sentiment he's heard a lot lately. people who have to be strong for others, because everyone else is suffering. ]
Do they burden you? When they come to you and cry or feel upset. Yes, you might be more capable of handling emotions than they are, but you are also holding onto your suffering. Or do you not feel grateful that someone has opened up to you, because it means they're not holding onto it alone?
[ he is
fairly obviously trying to make a point here. he thinks she can pick it up ]
[given that they're three years apart, she isn't exactly surprised to hear that scien knows these things and can clarify for her. it's also just part of the reason she's okay acting as a conduit for him, a hand to guide lucas under scien's eye. but she frowns even if he can't see it.]
...we're sure that minister is dead, right? And his successor? Lucas has been taken under your care, but the idea of either of them still being around...[she would hate for someone else to fall into that same trap. or for something to try and interrupt lucas's growth and progress.
but right. she's aware. it's something she's talked about with karlach, too, because they recognize this trait in each other and karlach has called aerith out on her kind of self-sacrificial ways more than once. so it isn't hard at all to pick up what scien is saying even if the tone she uses is a little weary.]
You know my answer to that, Famine. [...] He already feels guilty for something that isn't even entirely his fault. I can see it all over him in everything he does. [maybe this is a little about lucas, but it's about cloud. she'd never dream of expressing her sorrows to the one who did this to her in the first place when she's trying to help him, but the latter is his own problem.] And for the others...well.
[she says this in the way that seems to imply she realizes she actually doesn't have an excuse there outside of what she already said and scien has popped holes into that logic.]
The minister and his successor were the same bastard. An escaped convict who remade himself over and over again to retain control of both the cult and Proust. I haven't heard from him in three years, so he's probably dead since I wouldn't have given him the cure for the curse anyway.
[ do you think about how insane it is that scien just casually decides who lives and who dies. i'm shaking
anyway he listens to that, and he sighs ]
.... you already know that the only two people in the world I'd consider my friends are dead. They were holding onto burdens that they never shared with me. Our situations aren't the same... but I have very few regrets in my ninety years of life.
The relevant one here is that I did not notice their suffering, and they didn't rely on me. Now, they're the ones who are dead, and I have to live with the knowledge that I wasn't enough to save them. Or even to carry part of their burden.
[ it's guilting. he knows it is. however, he also doesn't want to see aerith walk down the same path. not trusting those around her with her emotions, and then when she's gone? it will be the people she's left behind who carry that weight. scien doesn't think she wants to cause that ripple effect of suffering ]
Wait, so...he was having Lucas kill Relivers, even though he's a Reliver himself? [what the absolute fuck. is that actually what he's saying, she's truly hoping the man really is dead.
scien can hand of god whoever he wants because why are there so many extremely shitty people on their island, wow! but...okay. yes. this is incredibly guilting and she knows it, and she understands why he's saying this. she doesn't interrupt while he speaks, and even when he finishes she doesn't answer right away to let the words sink in and consider these things.]
...I can trust other people with enough of it when they ask. [because that's the other thing, a lot of people don't often ask because aerith doesn't really let them. she prioritizes them instead and she's aware that's her own fault.] But Cloud already is living with the knowledge he couldn't save me. Even if he doesn't fully remember it correctly. I didn't realize it before but I saw it in today's trial the moment he saw what Camille was doing to me. [body examination.] His mind's fragile enough that it's trying to protect him from those thoughts and feelings. It's not that I don't want to talk to him or tell him more, it's that I know he's going to feel worse about not knowing how to help on top of his own feelings about us being here. But...maybe that's mean still? Keeping everything to myself and not trusting him to try a little more. I don't know. I've never really had the option to tell people these things in the first place for most of my life.
Yes. He just hid it from everyone to the best of his ability. But I can recognize his shoddy handiwork, given that he's a moron.
[ that moron ruined so many lives but it's fine... scien got even.... and then some.... it's cool.
that said, it's not that scien doesn't understand aerith's explanation. brain problems are wild. it's part of what they both understand about their stupid blonde twinks and their problems. but... ]
... you have the option now. You are still alive. There is no way for me to force you, one way or another. Only that... it is not horrible of you to put into words that you are also suffering. Traumatized. In need of help. And if someone doesn't know how to help you, that can still be something you work out together.
Even if you do not confide directly in that man, you do not need to hold it so close to the chest at all times. Even I will listen to you, when you choose to be selfish.
Asshole. [that's really all she has to say to that. but it's out of her hands and it sounds like scien has it covered, so she's not worried. frustrated, maybe, that this man was allowed to go so far, but there's nothing to do for that now but move forward to undo the damage.
they really do just have stupid blonde twinks with brain problems...
anyway unlike cloud, even if she's never heard of the concept of therapy prior to speaking to famine it's not like aerith isn't aware of her own traumas and hardships she's suffered through. some of her friends know, and others know pieces, and others know nothing. but reframing it as "something you work out together" seems to sit with her differently in a way that makes her feel less...guilty, maybe, for not being able to keep processing on her own.
and she hates to do this, but she will elaborate one more piece.]
...a stab from behind was how it happened the first time, too. Straight through. I wasn't prepared the first time either, but I don't know if it's worse for it to happen so suddenly or at the end of a fight. [so yeah traumatized is. a word. for it.] At least back where we're from, returning to the lifestream is something I knew would happen, and something I was at least okay with because it was the natural order of things. But...after being here and having time to think, and talking to people...second time's a lot harder. [the thing is scien really did kind of make her have to confront the fact that she's no longer bound to her actual fate entirely and that scares the shit out of her.] I want to confide in him because I know he's waiting for me to. But it's trying to separate everything between deaths. I know that probably sounds a little weird though.
[ scien makes a soft, affirming noise. she is so right. that guy was such an asshole and scien is glad that he probably died in a ditch somewhere, unknown to the rest of the island.
but otherwise, he listens. it is a combination of statements that he makes to try to get aerith to listen in turn, if only because he's seen the weight that falls upon people who try to take the entire world and everyone's pain upon their shoulders. it is a heavy thing, to have such an open heart that you almost have to check your own trauma at the door. scien isn't like that. scien pays attention so specifically and gives his favor so particularly, that he can at least spare some of it for people who've earned it
so when she confides in him, he thinks of it as a first step. it shouldn't be him, not really, but hopefully soon it will also be someone else. the people who are waiting for aerith's vulnerability, who can give her a hug when she's suffering. but for now, if it feels safer, she can speak her truth to the voice of god coming through a little hole in the basement ]
If it is your truth, it does not matter how it sounds.
.... you can be gentle in breaking the news to him, if you think him so fragile. It does not have to be all at once. However, you've said yourself that you want him to know you. Just as I'm sure that he wants to know everything about you. [ a beat ] That is what devotion is.
To share in your fears, your pains, your hopes, and aspirations. The human experience is made up of all those factors, leaving none behind. If you care so much, you may as well share them.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
...how much do you four really know about what happens on that night? Just who's responsible?
no subject
[ yuffie shot his dog.... ]
Some details are murky, but we know enough. Who's responsible, their motivations, what is left to find amongst all the locations, and so on.
no subject
[you ever feel like garbage because you made your friends witness your death via impalement twice. it's good. it's fine.]
Then you probably know why he left me in the confessional. I know he's going to blame himself. He already did. And I don't know if he was asking for my forgiveness or God's—[she kind of says "god" a little questionably because gaia does not have christianity]—but he wanted it. I think...he wanted to try and save me before it was too late. I can't imagine how he must have felt in those moments he was himself again. Maybe that's why I can't be angry with him. Or maybe it's because I know he's been manipulated for so long that he attributes the miracle of saving his sister to all of the things he's done in the name of "purification."
He's going to fight, probably, about if he deserves to be saved, but I still want to help him.
no subject
... it is good that you tried. I am not angry with you. I am not angry with her. Even though I cannot deny that I am also mourning.
[ his dog....
as for the rest. well. ]
We spoke on it, you and I. Those who struggle and fight against their own mind. Lucas... This was a case of the monster possession destroying him from the inside, but you're right that he's been brainwashed for most of his life. To hate Relivers, and to hate me most of all. However, even when he killed them, he thought the method he used would save their souls and let them find peace.
All the same, he is slowly detoxing from the drug that clouds his mind. However, as he does, he will have to face what his hands have been made to do since his youth. When he fights against you, know that it is with the heavy weight of every other life he's taken. It is about you, and it also isn't about you.
[ and scien sighs heavily again, and there is the sound of rummaging ]
... I will still save all of your lives. However... I will do everything I can to save his mind. His future. That is why I am telling you this... because maybe he will listen to you, when he will certainly not listen to me.
But if you succeed, I will grant you anything you think to ask for.
no subject
He told me a little about them. Relivers. About your island and the curse, too. I think that's how I realized they were all one in the same. [sometimes you're dying on the ground and put two braincells and memshares together and go "ah."] You know the side effect of seeing each other's memories is around, and...that's what I saw from him. The way he was taught that doing this to those people was freeing their souls to return to heaven. And how that minister would just drug him when Lucas's mind started to clear enough to start realizing something may be wrong. But there were also those experiences of being alone in the world. Being ignored because so many people were so cavalier with life, and feeling like it really was salvation.
...I tried to ask him a little about it, and I could see it. The way he started to struggle trying to process what he had done in the past. I would never really think it's so much about me as it is the years of those awful circumstances.
[so. yeah. she can understand enough. maybe not as well as scien does, but enough.]
The clear picture is going to scare him. But I think that's the moment he's going to need more support than ever. And...he's my friend. I don't want to see him suffering alone either. It's going to take time, but...I'll do everything I can to help him. Remind him that he can still be forgiven.
[1/2]
[ CRAZY ]
no subject
I understand that Relivers warped the way our country views life. I hated it too. That is not what my technology was built for. When I saw his memory, I understood a bit more the consequences and how it inconvenienced someone I came to care for.
... but you're right. He does get better.
[ for a moment he weighs his options, trying to decide how much he wants to say but... ]
Three years later, he's still in therapy... but he was on track to be cleared to go back to teaching. He's 25 years old and healthy. Too healthy, sometimes. [ he really is a good bodyguard but also a leash for scien ] Nadia is 15. She's well enough to walk. I personally oversaw both of their recoveries.
He doesn't remember that he chose me as his new god. But... even if he isn't mine, I still think this bright future could become his.
no subject
I think in anything good, there will be people who find a way to use it for their own greed and corrupt purposes. [literally people who harvest mako from the lifestream, actually.] And I don't think that's necessarily your fault. Even a genius can't always predict how people will behave given a little power over their life.
[as for the rest, well...she listens. she listens quietly, and there's a long moment where she doesn't reply because she's thinking about what he says. "she's well enough to walk." "he's 25 years old." the genius scientist, scien brofiise, who freed the country from the curse.
when she does finally find words, very unfortunately for scien it sort of sounds like she's crying but more because...]
They deserve that much. To grow older, and not worry about only having limited time until his twenty-third birthday and to live together. [because that's been on her mind. someone kind who has been dealt such a hard burden and put through so much abuse, frankly, still having to come to terms with the fact he'd succumb to something unstoppable not long after returning home.] If that's the future that already exists...of course he still has that potential. It's not a lost possibility even if he's going to feel like it is.
[to her credit she does seem to be pulling herself together again because she remembers scien's very much not into emotional responses but let her be happy about this.]
no subject
[ but he does consider himself just a little evil, like he explained to shoma. i miss u shoma
but.
at the sound of her tears, scien pauses. the fact of the matter is that he knows he is asking for something practically saintly of her. to forgive lucas, to try to save him, to help in this unbelievable task. and she is open to it, despite her own wish to live.
despite her death, again.
so he doesn't sound cruel or callous when he speaks, instead his voice... not quite becoming gentler. but softening nonetheless. ]
... do you not think that you also deserve that? A future for yourself?
no subject
here we are...the problem with aerith is that she is, actually, a person who would give enough of herself if it meant keeping people safe and giving them a chance to live.
"i just want to do everything in my power to help. all of you...and the planet."
that want's only expanded since arriving and hearing the stories and traumas and terrors of other people's lives. people with dangerous circumstances waiting for them, or people who feel like they're on a countdown before imminent death. she's frustrated she can't help all of them somehow, but it also isn't enough to make her stop trying in the ways that she can.
trying to save lucas is a huge feat, and she herself isn't sure she'll be as successful as she wants to be. but she can still, somehow, find it in her to forgive him knowing all of the circumstances and knowing there's a chance to make him better and save him from himself. she is aware that sounds a little insane and she's going to have to, like, cope with all of her own trauma about how she died and what that means but that's all going in nice box for later, shoved behind "taking care of cloud's mental health", too. there is no excuse not to try.
so the question does and does not surprise her based on their conversations.]
...having the extra time here has been more than I expected. [carefully said, but...of course it's still a wish. of course she desperately wishes there was some way to fix everything, go back and find a way to be with her friends to continue fighting sephiroth. it's kind of a hard thing to really grasp for her because she sort of knew there was no future, once. once upon a time, she had memories and knowledge of what would happen to her, and then those were stolen and all that was left was a semi-uneasy feeling until destined events took place. and now, being asked about a future kind of means she's still sort of struggling to figure out what that would look like.] I think...it's not about if I do or don't deserve it. I guess I don't have much of an idea of what that would look like either.
[you ever realize maybe you're actually not entirely okay with your death because you've had time to think about it. and now have lived it twice.]
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[ scien will make the statement plainly. in so many of their conversations, they've danced around this exact sentiment. they've talked about wishes, what they would be used for, what could be done to save aerith's world. and then, as an afterthought, a footnote, a small bookmark—what can be done to save aerith.
a saint of a girl, really. there is still so much about her that scien doesn't fully comprehend. there is so much still that they'll probably never see eye to eye on, when aerith is so empathetic and scien is rooted in logic. mostly.
mostly. ]
I would not ask this of you if you did not already seem to be leaning toward this course of action. [ not being completely livid at lucas. forgiving him. ] But I will make myself clear.
If you help me save him, then I will help save you.
[ it needn't be in scien's typical reliver fashion, if she needs to return to the lifestream. it can follow the rules of her world, as she's brought up so many times before. it might be imperfect, if all he can do is capture her memories until there comes a time to revive her again—but there is similarly no certainty that lucas will be saved.
it is... collaboration. true, genuine collaboration as opposed to someone approaching scien in a cry for help, hoping that he might solve all of their problems.
this time, it is this god who extends a hand, waiting to see if acceptance will come ]
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it's a lot of what touched her about lucas in the first place. she recognized that same sort of helplessness of knowing that even when they returned, time was limited. they couldn't stay with the people they loved most for long. it's why she reacted as strongly as she did, really, realizing a future for him more or less handcrafted by a man thought of as a god. and now this same man is offering the same for her help to save lucas to get that future.
the thing about it all is that she'd do it on the principle of believing it was the right way to do this. it's ultimately wanting lucas to have a better life, and recognizing that scien has no way to do this himself right now. being in a place like this could easily steer lucas down the wrong path rather than the road to salvation. but she also can recognize what this is. it's not a favor. it's an exchange. and it's the only reason she doesn't argue, because she thinks scien kind of already knows her choice anyway.]
You're right. I was already leaning toward it. [but.] ...but I understand. I will help you with this.
[and in return, she will accept the help. whatever that looks like, should they succeed.]
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[ to err toward forgiveness. kindness. trying to save the person who cut her life short just as she was beginning to enjoy it again. scien may not feel emotions the same extent as other people, but he knows that aerith as a person is inherently illogical for all that she tries to do for others while accepting her own sad fate.
it is something that he, as a person who doles out his favoritism on his own terms, cannot accept. ]
You don't need to hide your anger or frustration from me if you feel any. I don't think that it is acceptable either to ignore the trauma that you faced this weekend.
My appraisal of you will not be hampered by a show of emotion, which is also your right, as the person who was hurt by all of this.
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[she knows it's weird. she knows it's weird to already forgive him when other people will be furious on her behalf, that someone like ichiban rightfully deserves to be angry for what happened and can't process his own feelings yet, that other people won't understand and aerith only thinks she does. and yet here she is. trying to do things for others. this isn't just about her and lucas. it's about helping him adapt to a world where he has to live with his mistakes at large.
but when scien says this...she does pause.]
...I'm still angry. Not at him, but at what happened. [...] With who you are, maybe you've never had to worry about this. And that's okay. But...I never wanted to die alone. [in general, she would love to not die when she was granted extra time, but maybe that was the worst of it.]
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... I have only died alone.
[ in the times that he has, which are too great in number. but to him, he didn't have the capacity to feel anything but frustration. perhaps desperation. or... so he thinks.
he doesn't remember any of those instances. he actually finds them funny to think about. but that's him, and this is about her. ]
Do you fear being left behind?
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...yeah. [which she knows is strange when she's so fine (?) with being dead and leaving everyone behind herself, but that's a complicated issue.] I've...been alone a lot in my life. And now that there are people I love, the idea of being alone again is worse.
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[ and as someone who has been hunted by lucas before, scien is aware of just how daunting that strength can be. to know that you will almost certainly bleed out from your injuries caused by such a fearsome executioner ]
You just cried for him.
Will you cry for yourself?
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[so being hunted for sport makes sense. still...]
If I do, it won't be where anyone else can see it. [easily admitting that, too. though she seems to realize that sounds too proud, and that's not entirely what it is.] ...everyone here is hurting in some way. I don't need to burden people who might not know what to do with that when people are still trying to cope with their own feelings.
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That's not entirely related, but... at this point, he doesn't even know those answers about himself. [ scien knows lucas better than lucas knows lucas right now ] But he has been treated as a weapon for most of his life.
[ but he thinks more about what aerith is saying. it's a sentiment he's heard a lot lately. people who have to be strong for others, because everyone else is suffering. ]
Do they burden you? When they come to you and cry or feel upset. Yes, you might be more capable of handling emotions than they are, but you are also holding onto your suffering. Or do you not feel grateful that someone has opened up to you, because it means they're not holding onto it alone?
[ he is
fairly obviously trying to make a point here. he thinks she can pick it up ]
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...we're sure that minister is dead, right? And his successor? Lucas has been taken under your care, but the idea of either of them still being around...[she would hate for someone else to fall into that same trap. or for something to try and interrupt lucas's growth and progress.
but right. she's aware. it's something she's talked about with karlach, too, because they recognize this trait in each other and karlach has called aerith out on her kind of self-sacrificial ways more than once. so it isn't hard at all to pick up what scien is saying even if the tone she uses is a little weary.]
You know my answer to that, Famine. [...] He already feels guilty for something that isn't even entirely his fault. I can see it all over him in everything he does. [maybe this is a little about lucas, but it's about cloud. she'd never dream of expressing her sorrows to the one who did this to her in the first place when she's trying to help him, but the latter is his own problem.] And for the others...well.
[she says this in the way that seems to imply she realizes she actually doesn't have an excuse there outside of what she already said and scien has popped holes into that logic.]
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[ do you think about how insane it is that scien just casually decides who lives and who dies. i'm shaking
anyway he listens to that, and he sighs ]
.... you already know that the only two people in the world I'd consider my friends are dead. They were holding onto burdens that they never shared with me. Our situations aren't the same... but I have very few regrets in my ninety years of life.
The relevant one here is that I did not notice their suffering, and they didn't rely on me. Now, they're the ones who are dead, and I have to live with the knowledge that I wasn't enough to save them. Or even to carry part of their burden.
[ it's guilting. he knows it is. however, he also doesn't want to see aerith walk down the same path. not trusting those around her with her emotions, and then when she's gone? it will be the people she's left behind who carry that weight. scien doesn't think she wants to cause that ripple effect of suffering ]
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Wait, so...he was having Lucas kill Relivers, even though he's a Reliver himself? [what the absolute fuck. is that actually what he's saying, she's truly hoping the man really is dead.
scien can hand of god whoever he wants because why are there so many extremely shitty people on their island, wow! but...okay. yes. this is incredibly guilting and she knows it, and she understands why he's saying this. she doesn't interrupt while he speaks, and even when he finishes she doesn't answer right away to let the words sink in and consider these things.]
...I can trust other people with enough of it when they ask. [because that's the other thing, a lot of people don't often ask because aerith doesn't really let them. she prioritizes them instead and she's aware that's her own fault.] But Cloud already is living with the knowledge he couldn't save me. Even if he doesn't fully remember it correctly. I didn't realize it before but I saw it in today's trial the moment he saw what Camille was doing to me. [body examination.] His mind's fragile enough that it's trying to protect him from those thoughts and feelings. It's not that I don't want to talk to him or tell him more, it's that I know he's going to feel worse about not knowing how to help on top of his own feelings about us being here. But...maybe that's mean still? Keeping everything to myself and not trusting him to try a little more. I don't know. I've never really had the option to tell people these things in the first place for most of my life.
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[ that moron ruined so many lives but it's fine... scien got even.... and then some.... it's cool.
that said, it's not that scien doesn't understand aerith's explanation. brain problems are wild. it's part of what they both understand about their stupid blonde twinks and their problems. but... ]
... you have the option now. You are still alive. There is no way for me to force you, one way or another. Only that... it is not horrible of you to put into words that you are also suffering. Traumatized. In need of help. And if someone doesn't know how to help you, that can still be something you work out together.
Even if you do not confide directly in that man, you do not need to hold it so close to the chest at all times. Even I will listen to you, when you choose to be selfish.
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they really do just have stupid blonde twinks with brain problems...
anyway unlike cloud, even if she's never heard of the concept of therapy prior to speaking to famine it's not like aerith isn't aware of her own traumas and hardships she's suffered through. some of her friends know, and others know pieces, and others know nothing. but reframing it as "something you work out together" seems to sit with her differently in a way that makes her feel less...guilty, maybe, for not being able to keep processing on her own.
and she hates to do this, but she will elaborate one more piece.]
...a stab from behind was how it happened the first time, too. Straight through. I wasn't prepared the first time either, but I don't know if it's worse for it to happen so suddenly or at the end of a fight. [so yeah traumatized is. a word. for it.] At least back where we're from, returning to the lifestream is something I knew would happen, and something I was at least okay with because it was the natural order of things. But...after being here and having time to think, and talking to people...second time's a lot harder. [the thing is scien really did kind of make her have to confront the fact that she's no longer bound to her actual fate entirely and that scares the shit out of her.] I want to confide in him because I know he's waiting for me to. But it's trying to separate everything between deaths. I know that probably sounds a little weird though.
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but otherwise, he listens. it is a combination of statements that he makes to try to get aerith to listen in turn, if only because he's seen the weight that falls upon people who try to take the entire world and everyone's pain upon their shoulders. it is a heavy thing, to have such an open heart that you almost have to check your own trauma at the door. scien isn't like that. scien pays attention so specifically and gives his favor so particularly, that he can at least spare some of it for people who've earned it
so when she confides in him, he thinks of it as a first step. it shouldn't be him, not really, but hopefully soon it will also be someone else. the people who are waiting for aerith's vulnerability, who can give her a hug when she's suffering. but for now, if it feels safer, she can speak her truth to the voice of god coming through a little hole in the basement ]
If it is your truth, it does not matter how it sounds.
.... you can be gentle in breaking the news to him, if you think him so fragile. It does not have to be all at once. However, you've said yourself that you want him to know you. Just as I'm sure that he wants to know everything about you. [ a beat ] That is what devotion is.
To share in your fears, your pains, your hopes, and aspirations. The human experience is made up of all those factors, leaving none behind. If you care so much, you may as well share them.
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