And I won't stop you from that. [she has no problem with an equal exchange, it's really just that she herself would never think to ask for compensation. especially for something like this where she'll have her work cut out for her.] I will take that as a compliment though.
[she knows it's weird. she knows it's weird to already forgive him when other people will be furious on her behalf, that someone like ichiban rightfully deserves to be angry for what happened and can't process his own feelings yet, that other people won't understand and aerith only thinks she does. and yet here she is. trying to do things for others. this isn't just about her and lucas. it's about helping him adapt to a world where he has to live with his mistakes at large.
but when scien says this...she does pause.]
...I'm still angry. Not at him, but at what happened. [...] With who you are, maybe you've never had to worry about this. And that's okay. But...I never wanted to die alone. [in general, she would love to not die when she was granted extra time, but maybe that was the worst of it.]
[ it's an interesting statement. he thinks he understands where she's coming from. a god should theoretically be revered and in a lot of cases, scien is. he's well-respected even though he'd rather be left alone. but when it comes to his own deaths... ]
... I have only died alone.
[ in the times that he has, which are too great in number. but to him, he didn't have the capacity to feel anything but frustration. perhaps desperation. or... so he thinks.
he doesn't remember any of those instances. he actually finds them funny to think about. but that's him, and this is about her. ]
[this does and does not surprise her based on what she's learned from him. if this man is a reliver, then...it sounds as if the body can die multiple times. that's a little terrifying in and of itself. he doesn't seem too perturbed by this though, and so when he asks she decides it's worth being a little honest.]
...yeah. [which she knows is strange when she's so fine (?) with being dead and leaving everyone behind herself, but that's a complicated issue.] I've...been alone a lot in my life. And now that there are people I love, the idea of being alone again is worse.
You must have been frightened then, when he came after you.
[ and as someone who has been hunted by lucas before, scien is aware of just how daunting that strength can be. to know that you will almost certainly bleed out from your injuries caused by such a fearsome executioner ]
...he had his hood up for most of it. I didn't know who I was fighting, but I didn't want to lose. Not like that. [she didn't want to die alone, without saying goodbye, without being able to at least try to get back to her friends. so yeah. it was terrifying in the way that made fight or flight kick in really quickly.] He's...so much stronger than I ever realized. And faster. But knowing his history and what's happened to him, I guess it makes sense. He's had the practice.
[so being hunted for sport makes sense. still...]
If I do, it won't be where anyone else can see it. [easily admitting that, too. though she seems to realize that sounds too proud, and that's not entirely what it is.] ...everyone here is hurting in some way. I don't need to burden people who might not know what to do with that when people are still trying to cope with their own feelings.
That's not entirely related, but... at this point, he doesn't even know those answers about himself. [ scien knows lucas better than lucas knows lucas right now ] But he has been treated as a weapon for most of his life.
[ but he thinks more about what aerith is saying. it's a sentiment he's heard a lot lately. people who have to be strong for others, because everyone else is suffering. ]
Do they burden you? When they come to you and cry or feel upset. Yes, you might be more capable of handling emotions than they are, but you are also holding onto your suffering. Or do you not feel grateful that someone has opened up to you, because it means they're not holding onto it alone?
[ he is
fairly obviously trying to make a point here. he thinks she can pick it up ]
[given that they're three years apart, she isn't exactly surprised to hear that scien knows these things and can clarify for her. it's also just part of the reason she's okay acting as a conduit for him, a hand to guide lucas under scien's eye. but she frowns even if he can't see it.]
...we're sure that minister is dead, right? And his successor? Lucas has been taken under your care, but the idea of either of them still being around...[she would hate for someone else to fall into that same trap. or for something to try and interrupt lucas's growth and progress.
but right. she's aware. it's something she's talked about with karlach, too, because they recognize this trait in each other and karlach has called aerith out on her kind of self-sacrificial ways more than once. so it isn't hard at all to pick up what scien is saying even if the tone she uses is a little weary.]
You know my answer to that, Famine. [...] He already feels guilty for something that isn't even entirely his fault. I can see it all over him in everything he does. [maybe this is a little about lucas, but it's about cloud. she'd never dream of expressing her sorrows to the one who did this to her in the first place when she's trying to help him, but the latter is his own problem.] And for the others...well.
[she says this in the way that seems to imply she realizes she actually doesn't have an excuse there outside of what she already said and scien has popped holes into that logic.]
The minister and his successor were the same bastard. An escaped convict who remade himself over and over again to retain control of both the cult and Proust. I haven't heard from him in three years, so he's probably dead since I wouldn't have given him the cure for the curse anyway.
[ do you think about how insane it is that scien just casually decides who lives and who dies. i'm shaking
anyway he listens to that, and he sighs ]
.... you already know that the only two people in the world I'd consider my friends are dead. They were holding onto burdens that they never shared with me. Our situations aren't the same... but I have very few regrets in my ninety years of life.
The relevant one here is that I did not notice their suffering, and they didn't rely on me. Now, they're the ones who are dead, and I have to live with the knowledge that I wasn't enough to save them. Or even to carry part of their burden.
[ it's guilting. he knows it is. however, he also doesn't want to see aerith walk down the same path. not trusting those around her with her emotions, and then when she's gone? it will be the people she's left behind who carry that weight. scien doesn't think she wants to cause that ripple effect of suffering ]
Wait, so...he was having Lucas kill Relivers, even though he's a Reliver himself? [what the absolute fuck. is that actually what he's saying, she's truly hoping the man really is dead.
scien can hand of god whoever he wants because why are there so many extremely shitty people on their island, wow! but...okay. yes. this is incredibly guilting and she knows it, and she understands why he's saying this. she doesn't interrupt while he speaks, and even when he finishes she doesn't answer right away to let the words sink in and consider these things.]
...I can trust other people with enough of it when they ask. [because that's the other thing, a lot of people don't often ask because aerith doesn't really let them. she prioritizes them instead and she's aware that's her own fault.] But Cloud already is living with the knowledge he couldn't save me. Even if he doesn't fully remember it correctly. I didn't realize it before but I saw it in today's trial the moment he saw what Camille was doing to me. [body examination.] His mind's fragile enough that it's trying to protect him from those thoughts and feelings. It's not that I don't want to talk to him or tell him more, it's that I know he's going to feel worse about not knowing how to help on top of his own feelings about us being here. But...maybe that's mean still? Keeping everything to myself and not trusting him to try a little more. I don't know. I've never really had the option to tell people these things in the first place for most of my life.
Yes. He just hid it from everyone to the best of his ability. But I can recognize his shoddy handiwork, given that he's a moron.
[ that moron ruined so many lives but it's fine... scien got even.... and then some.... it's cool.
that said, it's not that scien doesn't understand aerith's explanation. brain problems are wild. it's part of what they both understand about their stupid blonde twinks and their problems. but... ]
... you have the option now. You are still alive. There is no way for me to force you, one way or another. Only that... it is not horrible of you to put into words that you are also suffering. Traumatized. In need of help. And if someone doesn't know how to help you, that can still be something you work out together.
Even if you do not confide directly in that man, you do not need to hold it so close to the chest at all times. Even I will listen to you, when you choose to be selfish.
Asshole. [that's really all she has to say to that. but it's out of her hands and it sounds like scien has it covered, so she's not worried. frustrated, maybe, that this man was allowed to go so far, but there's nothing to do for that now but move forward to undo the damage.
they really do just have stupid blonde twinks with brain problems...
anyway unlike cloud, even if she's never heard of the concept of therapy prior to speaking to famine it's not like aerith isn't aware of her own traumas and hardships she's suffered through. some of her friends know, and others know pieces, and others know nothing. but reframing it as "something you work out together" seems to sit with her differently in a way that makes her feel less...guilty, maybe, for not being able to keep processing on her own.
and she hates to do this, but she will elaborate one more piece.]
...a stab from behind was how it happened the first time, too. Straight through. I wasn't prepared the first time either, but I don't know if it's worse for it to happen so suddenly or at the end of a fight. [so yeah traumatized is. a word. for it.] At least back where we're from, returning to the lifestream is something I knew would happen, and something I was at least okay with because it was the natural order of things. But...after being here and having time to think, and talking to people...second time's a lot harder. [the thing is scien really did kind of make her have to confront the fact that she's no longer bound to her actual fate entirely and that scares the shit out of her.] I want to confide in him because I know he's waiting for me to. But it's trying to separate everything between deaths. I know that probably sounds a little weird though.
[ scien makes a soft, affirming noise. she is so right. that guy was such an asshole and scien is glad that he probably died in a ditch somewhere, unknown to the rest of the island.
but otherwise, he listens. it is a combination of statements that he makes to try to get aerith to listen in turn, if only because he's seen the weight that falls upon people who try to take the entire world and everyone's pain upon their shoulders. it is a heavy thing, to have such an open heart that you almost have to check your own trauma at the door. scien isn't like that. scien pays attention so specifically and gives his favor so particularly, that he can at least spare some of it for people who've earned it
so when she confides in him, he thinks of it as a first step. it shouldn't be him, not really, but hopefully soon it will also be someone else. the people who are waiting for aerith's vulnerability, who can give her a hug when she's suffering. but for now, if it feels safer, she can speak her truth to the voice of god coming through a little hole in the basement ]
If it is your truth, it does not matter how it sounds.
.... you can be gentle in breaking the news to him, if you think him so fragile. It does not have to be all at once. However, you've said yourself that you want him to know you. Just as I'm sure that he wants to know everything about you. [ a beat ] That is what devotion is.
To share in your fears, your pains, your hopes, and aspirations. The human experience is made up of all those factors, leaving none behind. If you care so much, you may as well share them.
[to be completely fair, this is a little bit of an upgrade from those quiet moments when she would tell the flowers in her garden about her hopes and fears and struggles. at least the voice of god will speak back to her in a way she can hear and respond to rather than a flower who continually seems to say "not yet."
maybe that's why she's okay starting to broach the topic. she won't tell him everything because the overseers have a lot on their heads as-is, but this at least is helping her sort through what she should start with.
devotion, huh.]
I wanted to keep a distance from him once, knowing how this would end for him. But that didn't really work, so I guess I should make the most of it. I know he wants to help and doesn't recognize how much help he needs either. So...maybe that's something for both of us. Figuring it out together. [so yes, the message stuck. though she pauses then, considering if this is a fair question to ask.] Famine, do you consider yourself human?
[she knows that other people think of him as a god, and she knows now that he's a reliever and (sort of) what that means, but she's curious about a non-lucas opinion.]
[ she can't see him nod, so he'll answer verbally: ] There you go.
[ figuring it out together. scien has no stake in other people's relationships, but he is now invested in aerith's contentment and it seems like cloud is a piece of that. so he will be... encouraging, in a way.
as for her question.... ]
No. Perhaps I was born in a normal, human body before I became a Reliver... but I do not know how to partake in a normal, human existence. Not when for most of my life what I find easy and natural are mistaken for miracles and divinity. So I have found it easier to accept my existence as the closest thing to god in a world where the heavens do not exist.
[the sometimes watchful eyes of god...she does not mind this. but the answer comes, and it both is and is not shocking to hear (like many things that have come from scien recently now that she has so many context clues.)]
No reason other than my own curiosity. [she's easily admitting this] You talk about things sometimes in a way that seems to put yourself in a different category than most people. So I guess I wondered if you were always like this, or if being held as a god amongst men made you this way. Like it's hard to fully connect or relate to things sometimes because you've never had that, since you've been in a position where those things were never granted to you.
[she does not say this in a way to suggest that she thinks he cares or thinks he's missing out, it's more impressed by the observations he's made while not actually having a full scope of understanding a normal human would.]
[ it's only for her own curiosity, but he's acknowledged her enough that he no longer minds talking about himself ]
Ah. Then yes, I do consider myself different from most people and always have. I did not, and still mostly do not, feel the same breadth or intensity of emotions as others. That was true even before I became a Reliver. Now that my heart has been rebuilt...
[ he's thoughtful for a moment, considering ]
I do feel. However, I am past the point of being able to think of myself as an average person. There is no average person that would be able to sustain so many lives begging them for salvation.
[the thing is it really is just. absolutely insane technology. the more he talks so casually about the things he's done and what he's accomplished, the more she's really just like "i'm glad this can't exist in gaia, because shinra would ruin more lives with it."
but she's patiently listening, taking time to mull over his words because she can also acknowledge that this likely is rarer in and of itself, to give more personal information about himself.]
I imagine not, yeah. It takes a strong will to know and determine who is and isn't worth trying to save, and dealing with everyone's feelings if they're not blessed with that gift. In a way it's probably easier for you to focus without those emotions being influential, but...I can see where it might cause a disconnect, too. [it's fascinating. and she thinks maybe it could be a little sad, like there's a wall there still between scien and people he has come to care for in his own way, but he does seem genuinely okay with this. while this isn't the same, she does offer one more piece for why she asked.]
...there's a place Shinra's looking for. The promised land. They think it's a place rich in mako, and they want to build a new city there for people who can afford a better life. But in doing so, they'd continue draining the planet's lifestream. [...] The only way to get to the promised land is with the help of a Cetra. They've watched me my whole life, waiting for the day I'd willingly return to them so I could take them there. Every time I thought maybe I could have that normal life, not feeling like I was being monitored or hated for being different or hearing souls who have returned to the planet, something would happen to remind me that there's a very big difference between me and other people.
[so. she was mostly curious how he himself felt about that difference.]
[ ah. so that's what it is. the level of difference—to be born as someone who stands apart, who has the key to salvation or ruin which will always come at a cost. scien remembers what she said about being the last cetra. so what must it mean, to be monitored and watched and left to hold that burden only on her shoulders?
there is a distant echo of understanding, even if they are very different people ]
... I do not feel loneliness in the way that normal people do. [ if he's going to be upfront, because he hears the echoes of loneliness in her voice. a yearning for a normal life ] But you are just a young woman.
[ not said condescendingly, but rather in the sense that she doesn't need to be more than that. a 22 year old young woman, who wants to live a normal life with her normal friends ]
You are not a goddess or a savior, a ghost or a witch. You do not have to be.
The circumstances of your birth are different, but they are only one piece of what and who you are, even if they feel like they dominate your life. If you seek normalcy... take it, while it's here for you.
[ to play drinking games, hold the hand of the boy she likes, and be bad at fighting fires ]
[perhaps now there is slightly more context for why she was initially so insistent about going back and everything remaining the same. it's not like she's planning to lead shinra to the promised land. she doesn't even know where it is, really, or how to get there. but she initially was fairly bound to her duty upon arriving in this village, and now...well. having a few extra weeks of life, making new friends, and being able to have those normal experiences without people knowing she's an ancient, a being with such a deep connection to the planet that could help save everything, has changed her perspective.
she knows she needs to return. but now she wonders "well, what if..." she doesn't take that as anything condescending because sometimes aerith really does forget her own age. she also doesn't seem to mind the reminder that scien processes even the same base feelings so differently.]
...I do, I think. [a soft correction, because only a cetra can help stop sephiroth.] But maybe not yet. None of that matters here without being on our planet, and without the ability to change or feel things. I can't forget who I am. But...even if it feels selfish, taking the normalcy doesn't always feel bad.
[if you guys gave her her materia back she'd be sooooo good at fighting fires. but alas. she must settle for playing drinking games and holding cloud's hand and doing what she can for the morale.]
...thank you for that. [the reminder, she means. she knew, but it never quite felt right up to this point where she lost her life again and had to find something new to holdonto.]
You're welcome, though you needn't thank me for a statement of fact.
[ the fact that scien even responds with an iota of politeness is again because he's decided to show aerith this favoritism. but he seems thoughtful. does she have to be a savior all the time? maybe she needs to go back and stop sephiroth, but is it necessary to think about right now? ]
Even when I was determined to save my country, I took breaks. I entertained different projects. I did jigsaw puzzles. Even if most of my hours went into trying to solve the problem, I could not allot every single minute because it is inefficient for the brain.
You are clearly not single-minded, and you do not have to be. Perhaps your calling is to eventually be that dutiful figure as you've mentioned, but you are also yourself. It is one aspect of your identity.
You're also a nag. [ help ] A fussy person. An inquisitive one. A forgiving person.
Wow. All of that and you still managed to work in a jab. [she is very obviously joking because she cannot be offended when he's 100% right. she is a nag and she fusses at everyone around her and badgers the hell out of people to get them to do what she wants. and she thinks it says something he's taking the time to spell this out for her.
doing jigsaw puzzles really does make scien sound like an old man though...but she will not point that out either because that's not the point. breaks. putting her energy elsewhere from time to time. actually bothering to be selfish and give some of the time to herself. that's the point and what she'll focus on.]
...I'll try, at least. I don't think I would be able to really help anyone if I don't. [because if she overworks and stretches herself thin with responsibility that isn't meant to be addressed right now how the hell is she going to help lucas or even help everyone else get out? she has to remind herself that, too.] But breathing room. I can do that...starting soon.
Is it a jab if it is an honest assessment... I do not bother with niceties and flattery, only facts.
[ it wouldn't be a scien sincerity moment if he didn't point out what - well, some people might call them 'flaws' but he doesn't do so unkindly. but rather to take in the whole of the person, and everything they are. from their vices to their victories. aerith is a good person, based on society's standards, and she's also a gremlin.
both are true and hilarious ]
Take your time with it. Your emotions are understandably their own jumble. Just don't forget yourself in your hustle to look after everyone else.
Be selfish. If you're going to take on the world's burdens, you might as well make your own demands. It's your right.
[ said with all the arrogance of a god who does and says whatever he wants ]
[she looks so stupid right now sitting in a basement and pouting at a hole, but also she isn't actually mad about it. it is an honest assessment.]
There is a reason I keep calling on you, you know. [she likes all three (four, really, now that she's spoken to nehan more) overseers, but she does have drastically different conversations with scien than the rest. as hopeful as she is at all times, the pragmatism is what she handles best. her optimism isn't blind faith, it's something guided by a stable and thought-driven hand.
but admittedly yes sometimes her emotions get the best of her and she has to retreat and regroup. she's been able to do this before. demanding a day off to go to the beach. ditching the others the moment they got to the golden saucer to take in the sights and the energy with a girl she'd call her best friend. picking up two tickets for the sky wheel and coercing a boy she loves into going on a date with her. just the little things for her own happiness, and the world really only fell apart when it was supposed to. no one will be mad if she isn't in work mode all the time. she just has to remember that.]
Then my first order of selfishness is to step away from nearly everyone else tonight after this. There's a lot to take in...and my second will be taking time away to see what this place has to offer. [...though tomorrow, of course, is when the potential lucas arrives. she doesn't think she has to say it, but she does anyway.] I'll be waiting for his arrival before that happens though. If anything to see what we have to work with.
[ when she says there's a reason she calls on him, he's like || this close to saying 'masochism'?
he keeps it to himself and moves on. he nods in response to her plan ]
It'll be a pain. It won't be something a few kind words can fix, but hopefully over prolonged exposure to you all and the understanding that he is not an individual deserving of damnation, he will gradually make his way back to himself.
Then it's a good thing I have a lot of patience and firmly believe he deserves better. [...] I'm not going anywhere, so...I'll update you in a week, maybe. Just to tell you everything I'm sure he won't. Thank you, Famine.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[she knows it's weird. she knows it's weird to already forgive him when other people will be furious on her behalf, that someone like ichiban rightfully deserves to be angry for what happened and can't process his own feelings yet, that other people won't understand and aerith only thinks she does. and yet here she is. trying to do things for others. this isn't just about her and lucas. it's about helping him adapt to a world where he has to live with his mistakes at large.
but when scien says this...she does pause.]
...I'm still angry. Not at him, but at what happened. [...] With who you are, maybe you've never had to worry about this. And that's okay. But...I never wanted to die alone. [in general, she would love to not die when she was granted extra time, but maybe that was the worst of it.]
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... I have only died alone.
[ in the times that he has, which are too great in number. but to him, he didn't have the capacity to feel anything but frustration. perhaps desperation. or... so he thinks.
he doesn't remember any of those instances. he actually finds them funny to think about. but that's him, and this is about her. ]
Do you fear being left behind?
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...yeah. [which she knows is strange when she's so fine (?) with being dead and leaving everyone behind herself, but that's a complicated issue.] I've...been alone a lot in my life. And now that there are people I love, the idea of being alone again is worse.
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[ and as someone who has been hunted by lucas before, scien is aware of just how daunting that strength can be. to know that you will almost certainly bleed out from your injuries caused by such a fearsome executioner ]
You just cried for him.
Will you cry for yourself?
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[so being hunted for sport makes sense. still...]
If I do, it won't be where anyone else can see it. [easily admitting that, too. though she seems to realize that sounds too proud, and that's not entirely what it is.] ...everyone here is hurting in some way. I don't need to burden people who might not know what to do with that when people are still trying to cope with their own feelings.
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That's not entirely related, but... at this point, he doesn't even know those answers about himself. [ scien knows lucas better than lucas knows lucas right now ] But he has been treated as a weapon for most of his life.
[ but he thinks more about what aerith is saying. it's a sentiment he's heard a lot lately. people who have to be strong for others, because everyone else is suffering. ]
Do they burden you? When they come to you and cry or feel upset. Yes, you might be more capable of handling emotions than they are, but you are also holding onto your suffering. Or do you not feel grateful that someone has opened up to you, because it means they're not holding onto it alone?
[ he is
fairly obviously trying to make a point here. he thinks she can pick it up ]
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...we're sure that minister is dead, right? And his successor? Lucas has been taken under your care, but the idea of either of them still being around...[she would hate for someone else to fall into that same trap. or for something to try and interrupt lucas's growth and progress.
but right. she's aware. it's something she's talked about with karlach, too, because they recognize this trait in each other and karlach has called aerith out on her kind of self-sacrificial ways more than once. so it isn't hard at all to pick up what scien is saying even if the tone she uses is a little weary.]
You know my answer to that, Famine. [...] He already feels guilty for something that isn't even entirely his fault. I can see it all over him in everything he does. [maybe this is a little about lucas, but it's about cloud. she'd never dream of expressing her sorrows to the one who did this to her in the first place when she's trying to help him, but the latter is his own problem.] And for the others...well.
[she says this in the way that seems to imply she realizes she actually doesn't have an excuse there outside of what she already said and scien has popped holes into that logic.]
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[ do you think about how insane it is that scien just casually decides who lives and who dies. i'm shaking
anyway he listens to that, and he sighs ]
.... you already know that the only two people in the world I'd consider my friends are dead. They were holding onto burdens that they never shared with me. Our situations aren't the same... but I have very few regrets in my ninety years of life.
The relevant one here is that I did not notice their suffering, and they didn't rely on me. Now, they're the ones who are dead, and I have to live with the knowledge that I wasn't enough to save them. Or even to carry part of their burden.
[ it's guilting. he knows it is. however, he also doesn't want to see aerith walk down the same path. not trusting those around her with her emotions, and then when she's gone? it will be the people she's left behind who carry that weight. scien doesn't think she wants to cause that ripple effect of suffering ]
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Wait, so...he was having Lucas kill Relivers, even though he's a Reliver himself? [what the absolute fuck. is that actually what he's saying, she's truly hoping the man really is dead.
scien can hand of god whoever he wants because why are there so many extremely shitty people on their island, wow! but...okay. yes. this is incredibly guilting and she knows it, and she understands why he's saying this. she doesn't interrupt while he speaks, and even when he finishes she doesn't answer right away to let the words sink in and consider these things.]
...I can trust other people with enough of it when they ask. [because that's the other thing, a lot of people don't often ask because aerith doesn't really let them. she prioritizes them instead and she's aware that's her own fault.] But Cloud already is living with the knowledge he couldn't save me. Even if he doesn't fully remember it correctly. I didn't realize it before but I saw it in today's trial the moment he saw what Camille was doing to me. [body examination.] His mind's fragile enough that it's trying to protect him from those thoughts and feelings. It's not that I don't want to talk to him or tell him more, it's that I know he's going to feel worse about not knowing how to help on top of his own feelings about us being here. But...maybe that's mean still? Keeping everything to myself and not trusting him to try a little more. I don't know. I've never really had the option to tell people these things in the first place for most of my life.
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[ that moron ruined so many lives but it's fine... scien got even.... and then some.... it's cool.
that said, it's not that scien doesn't understand aerith's explanation. brain problems are wild. it's part of what they both understand about their stupid blonde twinks and their problems. but... ]
... you have the option now. You are still alive. There is no way for me to force you, one way or another. Only that... it is not horrible of you to put into words that you are also suffering. Traumatized. In need of help. And if someone doesn't know how to help you, that can still be something you work out together.
Even if you do not confide directly in that man, you do not need to hold it so close to the chest at all times. Even I will listen to you, when you choose to be selfish.
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they really do just have stupid blonde twinks with brain problems...
anyway unlike cloud, even if she's never heard of the concept of therapy prior to speaking to famine it's not like aerith isn't aware of her own traumas and hardships she's suffered through. some of her friends know, and others know pieces, and others know nothing. but reframing it as "something you work out together" seems to sit with her differently in a way that makes her feel less...guilty, maybe, for not being able to keep processing on her own.
and she hates to do this, but she will elaborate one more piece.]
...a stab from behind was how it happened the first time, too. Straight through. I wasn't prepared the first time either, but I don't know if it's worse for it to happen so suddenly or at the end of a fight. [so yeah traumatized is. a word. for it.] At least back where we're from, returning to the lifestream is something I knew would happen, and something I was at least okay with because it was the natural order of things. But...after being here and having time to think, and talking to people...second time's a lot harder. [the thing is scien really did kind of make her have to confront the fact that she's no longer bound to her actual fate entirely and that scares the shit out of her.] I want to confide in him because I know he's waiting for me to. But it's trying to separate everything between deaths. I know that probably sounds a little weird though.
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but otherwise, he listens. it is a combination of statements that he makes to try to get aerith to listen in turn, if only because he's seen the weight that falls upon people who try to take the entire world and everyone's pain upon their shoulders. it is a heavy thing, to have such an open heart that you almost have to check your own trauma at the door. scien isn't like that. scien pays attention so specifically and gives his favor so particularly, that he can at least spare some of it for people who've earned it
so when she confides in him, he thinks of it as a first step. it shouldn't be him, not really, but hopefully soon it will also be someone else. the people who are waiting for aerith's vulnerability, who can give her a hug when she's suffering. but for now, if it feels safer, she can speak her truth to the voice of god coming through a little hole in the basement ]
If it is your truth, it does not matter how it sounds.
.... you can be gentle in breaking the news to him, if you think him so fragile. It does not have to be all at once. However, you've said yourself that you want him to know you. Just as I'm sure that he wants to know everything about you. [ a beat ] That is what devotion is.
To share in your fears, your pains, your hopes, and aspirations. The human experience is made up of all those factors, leaving none behind. If you care so much, you may as well share them.
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maybe that's why she's okay starting to broach the topic. she won't tell him everything because the overseers have a lot on their heads as-is, but this at least is helping her sort through what she should start with.
devotion, huh.]
I wanted to keep a distance from him once, knowing how this would end for him. But that didn't really work, so I guess I should make the most of it. I know he wants to help and doesn't recognize how much help he needs either. So...maybe that's something for both of us. Figuring it out together. [so yes, the message stuck. though she pauses then, considering if this is a fair question to ask.] Famine, do you consider yourself human?
[she knows that other people think of him as a god, and she knows now that he's a reliever and (sort of) what that means, but she's curious about a non-lucas opinion.]
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[ figuring it out together. scien has no stake in other people's relationships, but he is now invested in aerith's contentment and it seems like cloud is a piece of that. so he will be... encouraging, in a way.
as for her question.... ]
No. Perhaps I was born in a normal, human body before I became a Reliver... but I do not know how to partake in a normal, human existence. Not when for most of my life what I find easy and natural are mistaken for miracles and divinity. So I have found it easier to accept my existence as the closest thing to god in a world where the heavens do not exist.
So perhaps... I am a human who became a god.
Why do you ask?
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No reason other than my own curiosity. [she's easily admitting this] You talk about things sometimes in a way that seems to put yourself in a different category than most people. So I guess I wondered if you were always like this, or if being held as a god amongst men made you this way. Like it's hard to fully connect or relate to things sometimes because you've never had that, since you've been in a position where those things were never granted to you.
[she does not say this in a way to suggest that she thinks he cares or thinks he's missing out, it's more impressed by the observations he's made while not actually having a full scope of understanding a normal human would.]
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Ah. Then yes, I do consider myself different from most people and always have. I did not, and still mostly do not, feel the same breadth or intensity of emotions as others. That was true even before I became a Reliver. Now that my heart has been rebuilt...
[ he's thoughtful for a moment, considering ]
I do feel. However, I am past the point of being able to think of myself as an average person. There is no average person that would be able to sustain so many lives begging them for salvation.
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but she's patiently listening, taking time to mull over his words because she can also acknowledge that this likely is rarer in and of itself, to give more personal information about himself.]
I imagine not, yeah. It takes a strong will to know and determine who is and isn't worth trying to save, and dealing with everyone's feelings if they're not blessed with that gift. In a way it's probably easier for you to focus without those emotions being influential, but...I can see where it might cause a disconnect, too. [it's fascinating. and she thinks maybe it could be a little sad, like there's a wall there still between scien and people he has come to care for in his own way, but he does seem genuinely okay with this. while this isn't the same, she does offer one more piece for why she asked.]
...there's a place Shinra's looking for. The promised land. They think it's a place rich in mako, and they want to build a new city there for people who can afford a better life. But in doing so, they'd continue draining the planet's lifestream. [...] The only way to get to the promised land is with the help of a Cetra. They've watched me my whole life, waiting for the day I'd willingly return to them so I could take them there. Every time I thought maybe I could have that normal life, not feeling like I was being monitored or hated for being different or hearing souls who have returned to the planet, something would happen to remind me that there's a very big difference between me and other people.
[so. she was mostly curious how he himself felt about that difference.]
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there is a distant echo of understanding, even if they are very different people ]
... I do not feel loneliness in the way that normal people do. [ if he's going to be upfront, because he hears the echoes of loneliness in her voice. a yearning for a normal life ] But you are just a young woman.
[ not said condescendingly, but rather in the sense that she doesn't need to be more than that. a 22 year old young woman, who wants to live a normal life with her normal friends ]
You are not a goddess or a savior, a ghost or a witch. You do not have to be.
The circumstances of your birth are different, but they are only one piece of what and who you are, even if they feel like they dominate your life. If you seek normalcy... take it, while it's here for you.
[ to play drinking games, hold the hand of the boy she likes, and be bad at fighting fires ]
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she knows she needs to return. but now she wonders "well, what if..." she doesn't take that as anything condescending because sometimes aerith really does forget her own age. she also doesn't seem to mind the reminder that scien processes even the same base feelings so differently.]
...I do, I think. [a soft correction, because only a cetra can help stop sephiroth.] But maybe not yet. None of that matters here without being on our planet, and without the ability to change or feel things. I can't forget who I am. But...even if it feels selfish, taking the normalcy doesn't always feel bad.
[if you guys gave her her materia back she'd be sooooo good at fighting fires. but alas. she must settle for playing drinking games and holding cloud's hand and doing what she can for the morale.]
...thank you for that. [the reminder, she means. she knew, but it never quite felt right up to this point where she lost her life again and had to find something new to holdonto.]
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[ the fact that scien even responds with an iota of politeness is again because he's decided to show aerith this favoritism. but he seems thoughtful. does she have to be a savior all the time? maybe she needs to go back and stop sephiroth, but is it necessary to think about right now? ]
Even when I was determined to save my country, I took breaks. I entertained different projects. I did jigsaw puzzles. Even if most of my hours went into trying to solve the problem, I could not allot every single minute because it is inefficient for the brain.
You are clearly not single-minded, and you do not have to be. Perhaps your calling is to eventually be that dutiful figure as you've mentioned, but you are also yourself. It is one aspect of your identity.
You're also a nag. [ help ] A fussy person. An inquisitive one. A forgiving person.
Give yourself some room to breathe.
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Wow. All of that and you still managed to work in a jab. [she is very obviously joking because she cannot be offended when he's 100% right. she is a nag and she fusses at everyone around her and badgers the hell out of people to get them to do what she wants. and she thinks it says something he's taking the time to spell this out for her.
doing jigsaw puzzles really does make scien sound like an old man though...but she will not point that out either because that's not the point. breaks. putting her energy elsewhere from time to time. actually bothering to be selfish and give some of the time to herself. that's the point and what she'll focus on.]
...I'll try, at least. I don't think I would be able to really help anyone if I don't. [because if she overworks and stretches herself thin with responsibility that isn't meant to be addressed right now how the hell is she going to help lucas or even help everyone else get out? she has to remind herself that, too.] But breathing room. I can do that...starting soon.
[everything was so much today.]
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[ it wouldn't be a scien sincerity moment if he didn't point out what - well, some people might call them 'flaws' but he doesn't do so unkindly. but rather to take in the whole of the person, and everything they are. from their vices to their victories. aerith is a good person, based on society's standards, and she's also a gremlin.
both are true and hilarious ]
Take your time with it. Your emotions are understandably their own jumble. Just don't forget yourself in your hustle to look after everyone else.
Be selfish. If you're going to take on the world's burdens, you might as well make your own demands. It's your right.
[ said with all the arrogance of a god who does and says whatever he wants ]
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There is a reason I keep calling on you, you know. [she likes all three (four, really, now that she's spoken to nehan more) overseers, but she does have drastically different conversations with scien than the rest. as hopeful as she is at all times, the pragmatism is what she handles best. her optimism isn't blind faith, it's something guided by a stable and thought-driven hand.
but admittedly yes sometimes her emotions get the best of her and she has to retreat and regroup. she's been able to do this before. demanding a day off to go to the beach. ditching the others the moment they got to the golden saucer to take in the sights and the energy with a girl she'd call her best friend. picking up two tickets for the sky wheel and coercing a boy she loves into going on a date with her. just the little things for her own happiness, and the world really only fell apart when it was supposed to. no one will be mad if she isn't in work mode all the time. she just has to remember that.]
Then my first order of selfishness is to step away from nearly everyone else tonight after this. There's a lot to take in...and my second will be taking time away to see what this place has to offer. [...though tomorrow, of course, is when the potential lucas arrives. she doesn't think she has to say it, but she does anyway.] I'll be waiting for his arrival before that happens though. If anything to see what we have to work with.
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he keeps it to himself and moves on. he nods in response to her plan ]
It'll be a pain. It won't be something a few kind words can fix, but hopefully over prolonged exposure to you all and the understanding that he is not an individual deserving of damnation, he will gradually make his way back to himself.
[ a beat ]
Let me know if you need anything.
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Then it's a good thing I have a lot of patience and firmly believe he deserves better. [...] I'm not going anywhere, so...I'll update you in a week, maybe. Just to tell you everything I'm sure he won't. Thank you, Famine.
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