[ she can't see him nod, so he'll answer verbally: ] There you go.
[ figuring it out together. scien has no stake in other people's relationships, but he is now invested in aerith's contentment and it seems like cloud is a piece of that. so he will be... encouraging, in a way.
as for her question.... ]
No. Perhaps I was born in a normal, human body before I became a Reliver... but I do not know how to partake in a normal, human existence. Not when for most of my life what I find easy and natural are mistaken for miracles and divinity. So I have found it easier to accept my existence as the closest thing to god in a world where the heavens do not exist.
[the sometimes watchful eyes of god...she does not mind this. but the answer comes, and it both is and is not shocking to hear (like many things that have come from scien recently now that she has so many context clues.)]
No reason other than my own curiosity. [she's easily admitting this] You talk about things sometimes in a way that seems to put yourself in a different category than most people. So I guess I wondered if you were always like this, or if being held as a god amongst men made you this way. Like it's hard to fully connect or relate to things sometimes because you've never had that, since you've been in a position where those things were never granted to you.
[she does not say this in a way to suggest that she thinks he cares or thinks he's missing out, it's more impressed by the observations he's made while not actually having a full scope of understanding a normal human would.]
[ it's only for her own curiosity, but he's acknowledged her enough that he no longer minds talking about himself ]
Ah. Then yes, I do consider myself different from most people and always have. I did not, and still mostly do not, feel the same breadth or intensity of emotions as others. That was true even before I became a Reliver. Now that my heart has been rebuilt...
[ he's thoughtful for a moment, considering ]
I do feel. However, I am past the point of being able to think of myself as an average person. There is no average person that would be able to sustain so many lives begging them for salvation.
[the thing is it really is just. absolutely insane technology. the more he talks so casually about the things he's done and what he's accomplished, the more she's really just like "i'm glad this can't exist in gaia, because shinra would ruin more lives with it."
but she's patiently listening, taking time to mull over his words because she can also acknowledge that this likely is rarer in and of itself, to give more personal information about himself.]
I imagine not, yeah. It takes a strong will to know and determine who is and isn't worth trying to save, and dealing with everyone's feelings if they're not blessed with that gift. In a way it's probably easier for you to focus without those emotions being influential, but...I can see where it might cause a disconnect, too. [it's fascinating. and she thinks maybe it could be a little sad, like there's a wall there still between scien and people he has come to care for in his own way, but he does seem genuinely okay with this. while this isn't the same, she does offer one more piece for why she asked.]
...there's a place Shinra's looking for. The promised land. They think it's a place rich in mako, and they want to build a new city there for people who can afford a better life. But in doing so, they'd continue draining the planet's lifestream. [...] The only way to get to the promised land is with the help of a Cetra. They've watched me my whole life, waiting for the day I'd willingly return to them so I could take them there. Every time I thought maybe I could have that normal life, not feeling like I was being monitored or hated for being different or hearing souls who have returned to the planet, something would happen to remind me that there's a very big difference between me and other people.
[so. she was mostly curious how he himself felt about that difference.]
[ ah. so that's what it is. the level of difference—to be born as someone who stands apart, who has the key to salvation or ruin which will always come at a cost. scien remembers what she said about being the last cetra. so what must it mean, to be monitored and watched and left to hold that burden only on her shoulders?
there is a distant echo of understanding, even if they are very different people ]
... I do not feel loneliness in the way that normal people do. [ if he's going to be upfront, because he hears the echoes of loneliness in her voice. a yearning for a normal life ] But you are just a young woman.
[ not said condescendingly, but rather in the sense that she doesn't need to be more than that. a 22 year old young woman, who wants to live a normal life with her normal friends ]
You are not a goddess or a savior, a ghost or a witch. You do not have to be.
The circumstances of your birth are different, but they are only one piece of what and who you are, even if they feel like they dominate your life. If you seek normalcy... take it, while it's here for you.
[ to play drinking games, hold the hand of the boy she likes, and be bad at fighting fires ]
[perhaps now there is slightly more context for why she was initially so insistent about going back and everything remaining the same. it's not like she's planning to lead shinra to the promised land. she doesn't even know where it is, really, or how to get there. but she initially was fairly bound to her duty upon arriving in this village, and now...well. having a few extra weeks of life, making new friends, and being able to have those normal experiences without people knowing she's an ancient, a being with such a deep connection to the planet that could help save everything, has changed her perspective.
she knows she needs to return. but now she wonders "well, what if..." she doesn't take that as anything condescending because sometimes aerith really does forget her own age. she also doesn't seem to mind the reminder that scien processes even the same base feelings so differently.]
...I do, I think. [a soft correction, because only a cetra can help stop sephiroth.] But maybe not yet. None of that matters here without being on our planet, and without the ability to change or feel things. I can't forget who I am. But...even if it feels selfish, taking the normalcy doesn't always feel bad.
[if you guys gave her her materia back she'd be sooooo good at fighting fires. but alas. she must settle for playing drinking games and holding cloud's hand and doing what she can for the morale.]
...thank you for that. [the reminder, she means. she knew, but it never quite felt right up to this point where she lost her life again and had to find something new to holdonto.]
You're welcome, though you needn't thank me for a statement of fact.
[ the fact that scien even responds with an iota of politeness is again because he's decided to show aerith this favoritism. but he seems thoughtful. does she have to be a savior all the time? maybe she needs to go back and stop sephiroth, but is it necessary to think about right now? ]
Even when I was determined to save my country, I took breaks. I entertained different projects. I did jigsaw puzzles. Even if most of my hours went into trying to solve the problem, I could not allot every single minute because it is inefficient for the brain.
You are clearly not single-minded, and you do not have to be. Perhaps your calling is to eventually be that dutiful figure as you've mentioned, but you are also yourself. It is one aspect of your identity.
You're also a nag. [ help ] A fussy person. An inquisitive one. A forgiving person.
Wow. All of that and you still managed to work in a jab. [she is very obviously joking because she cannot be offended when he's 100% right. she is a nag and she fusses at everyone around her and badgers the hell out of people to get them to do what she wants. and she thinks it says something he's taking the time to spell this out for her.
doing jigsaw puzzles really does make scien sound like an old man though...but she will not point that out either because that's not the point. breaks. putting her energy elsewhere from time to time. actually bothering to be selfish and give some of the time to herself. that's the point and what she'll focus on.]
...I'll try, at least. I don't think I would be able to really help anyone if I don't. [because if she overworks and stretches herself thin with responsibility that isn't meant to be addressed right now how the hell is she going to help lucas or even help everyone else get out? she has to remind herself that, too.] But breathing room. I can do that...starting soon.
Is it a jab if it is an honest assessment... I do not bother with niceties and flattery, only facts.
[ it wouldn't be a scien sincerity moment if he didn't point out what - well, some people might call them 'flaws' but he doesn't do so unkindly. but rather to take in the whole of the person, and everything they are. from their vices to their victories. aerith is a good person, based on society's standards, and she's also a gremlin.
both are true and hilarious ]
Take your time with it. Your emotions are understandably their own jumble. Just don't forget yourself in your hustle to look after everyone else.
Be selfish. If you're going to take on the world's burdens, you might as well make your own demands. It's your right.
[ said with all the arrogance of a god who does and says whatever he wants ]
[she looks so stupid right now sitting in a basement and pouting at a hole, but also she isn't actually mad about it. it is an honest assessment.]
There is a reason I keep calling on you, you know. [she likes all three (four, really, now that she's spoken to nehan more) overseers, but she does have drastically different conversations with scien than the rest. as hopeful as she is at all times, the pragmatism is what she handles best. her optimism isn't blind faith, it's something guided by a stable and thought-driven hand.
but admittedly yes sometimes her emotions get the best of her and she has to retreat and regroup. she's been able to do this before. demanding a day off to go to the beach. ditching the others the moment they got to the golden saucer to take in the sights and the energy with a girl she'd call her best friend. picking up two tickets for the sky wheel and coercing a boy she loves into going on a date with her. just the little things for her own happiness, and the world really only fell apart when it was supposed to. no one will be mad if she isn't in work mode all the time. she just has to remember that.]
Then my first order of selfishness is to step away from nearly everyone else tonight after this. There's a lot to take in...and my second will be taking time away to see what this place has to offer. [...though tomorrow, of course, is when the potential lucas arrives. she doesn't think she has to say it, but she does anyway.] I'll be waiting for his arrival before that happens though. If anything to see what we have to work with.
[ when she says there's a reason she calls on him, he's like || this close to saying 'masochism'?
he keeps it to himself and moves on. he nods in response to her plan ]
It'll be a pain. It won't be something a few kind words can fix, but hopefully over prolonged exposure to you all and the understanding that he is not an individual deserving of damnation, he will gradually make his way back to himself.
Then it's a good thing I have a lot of patience and firmly believe he deserves better. [...] I'm not going anywhere, so...I'll update you in a week, maybe. Just to tell you everything I'm sure he won't. Thank you, Famine.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ figuring it out together. scien has no stake in other people's relationships, but he is now invested in aerith's contentment and it seems like cloud is a piece of that. so he will be... encouraging, in a way.
as for her question.... ]
No. Perhaps I was born in a normal, human body before I became a Reliver... but I do not know how to partake in a normal, human existence. Not when for most of my life what I find easy and natural are mistaken for miracles and divinity. So I have found it easier to accept my existence as the closest thing to god in a world where the heavens do not exist.
So perhaps... I am a human who became a god.
Why do you ask?
no subject
No reason other than my own curiosity. [she's easily admitting this] You talk about things sometimes in a way that seems to put yourself in a different category than most people. So I guess I wondered if you were always like this, or if being held as a god amongst men made you this way. Like it's hard to fully connect or relate to things sometimes because you've never had that, since you've been in a position where those things were never granted to you.
[she does not say this in a way to suggest that she thinks he cares or thinks he's missing out, it's more impressed by the observations he's made while not actually having a full scope of understanding a normal human would.]
no subject
Ah. Then yes, I do consider myself different from most people and always have. I did not, and still mostly do not, feel the same breadth or intensity of emotions as others. That was true even before I became a Reliver. Now that my heart has been rebuilt...
[ he's thoughtful for a moment, considering ]
I do feel. However, I am past the point of being able to think of myself as an average person. There is no average person that would be able to sustain so many lives begging them for salvation.
no subject
but she's patiently listening, taking time to mull over his words because she can also acknowledge that this likely is rarer in and of itself, to give more personal information about himself.]
I imagine not, yeah. It takes a strong will to know and determine who is and isn't worth trying to save, and dealing with everyone's feelings if they're not blessed with that gift. In a way it's probably easier for you to focus without those emotions being influential, but...I can see where it might cause a disconnect, too. [it's fascinating. and she thinks maybe it could be a little sad, like there's a wall there still between scien and people he has come to care for in his own way, but he does seem genuinely okay with this. while this isn't the same, she does offer one more piece for why she asked.]
...there's a place Shinra's looking for. The promised land. They think it's a place rich in mako, and they want to build a new city there for people who can afford a better life. But in doing so, they'd continue draining the planet's lifestream. [...] The only way to get to the promised land is with the help of a Cetra. They've watched me my whole life, waiting for the day I'd willingly return to them so I could take them there. Every time I thought maybe I could have that normal life, not feeling like I was being monitored or hated for being different or hearing souls who have returned to the planet, something would happen to remind me that there's a very big difference between me and other people.
[so. she was mostly curious how he himself felt about that difference.]
no subject
there is a distant echo of understanding, even if they are very different people ]
... I do not feel loneliness in the way that normal people do. [ if he's going to be upfront, because he hears the echoes of loneliness in her voice. a yearning for a normal life ] But you are just a young woman.
[ not said condescendingly, but rather in the sense that she doesn't need to be more than that. a 22 year old young woman, who wants to live a normal life with her normal friends ]
You are not a goddess or a savior, a ghost or a witch. You do not have to be.
The circumstances of your birth are different, but they are only one piece of what and who you are, even if they feel like they dominate your life. If you seek normalcy... take it, while it's here for you.
[ to play drinking games, hold the hand of the boy she likes, and be bad at fighting fires ]
no subject
she knows she needs to return. but now she wonders "well, what if..." she doesn't take that as anything condescending because sometimes aerith really does forget her own age. she also doesn't seem to mind the reminder that scien processes even the same base feelings so differently.]
...I do, I think. [a soft correction, because only a cetra can help stop sephiroth.] But maybe not yet. None of that matters here without being on our planet, and without the ability to change or feel things. I can't forget who I am. But...even if it feels selfish, taking the normalcy doesn't always feel bad.
[if you guys gave her her materia back she'd be sooooo good at fighting fires. but alas. she must settle for playing drinking games and holding cloud's hand and doing what she can for the morale.]
...thank you for that. [the reminder, she means. she knew, but it never quite felt right up to this point where she lost her life again and had to find something new to holdonto.]
no subject
[ the fact that scien even responds with an iota of politeness is again because he's decided to show aerith this favoritism. but he seems thoughtful. does she have to be a savior all the time? maybe she needs to go back and stop sephiroth, but is it necessary to think about right now? ]
Even when I was determined to save my country, I took breaks. I entertained different projects. I did jigsaw puzzles. Even if most of my hours went into trying to solve the problem, I could not allot every single minute because it is inefficient for the brain.
You are clearly not single-minded, and you do not have to be. Perhaps your calling is to eventually be that dutiful figure as you've mentioned, but you are also yourself. It is one aspect of your identity.
You're also a nag. [ help ] A fussy person. An inquisitive one. A forgiving person.
Give yourself some room to breathe.
no subject
Wow. All of that and you still managed to work in a jab. [she is very obviously joking because she cannot be offended when he's 100% right. she is a nag and she fusses at everyone around her and badgers the hell out of people to get them to do what she wants. and she thinks it says something he's taking the time to spell this out for her.
doing jigsaw puzzles really does make scien sound like an old man though...but she will not point that out either because that's not the point. breaks. putting her energy elsewhere from time to time. actually bothering to be selfish and give some of the time to herself. that's the point and what she'll focus on.]
...I'll try, at least. I don't think I would be able to really help anyone if I don't. [because if she overworks and stretches herself thin with responsibility that isn't meant to be addressed right now how the hell is she going to help lucas or even help everyone else get out? she has to remind herself that, too.] But breathing room. I can do that...starting soon.
[everything was so much today.]
no subject
[ it wouldn't be a scien sincerity moment if he didn't point out what - well, some people might call them 'flaws' but he doesn't do so unkindly. but rather to take in the whole of the person, and everything they are. from their vices to their victories. aerith is a good person, based on society's standards, and she's also a gremlin.
both are true and hilarious ]
Take your time with it. Your emotions are understandably their own jumble. Just don't forget yourself in your hustle to look after everyone else.
Be selfish. If you're going to take on the world's burdens, you might as well make your own demands. It's your right.
[ said with all the arrogance of a god who does and says whatever he wants ]
no subject
There is a reason I keep calling on you, you know. [she likes all three (four, really, now that she's spoken to nehan more) overseers, but she does have drastically different conversations with scien than the rest. as hopeful as she is at all times, the pragmatism is what she handles best. her optimism isn't blind faith, it's something guided by a stable and thought-driven hand.
but admittedly yes sometimes her emotions get the best of her and she has to retreat and regroup. she's been able to do this before. demanding a day off to go to the beach. ditching the others the moment they got to the golden saucer to take in the sights and the energy with a girl she'd call her best friend. picking up two tickets for the sky wheel and coercing a boy she loves into going on a date with her. just the little things for her own happiness, and the world really only fell apart when it was supposed to. no one will be mad if she isn't in work mode all the time. she just has to remember that.]
Then my first order of selfishness is to step away from nearly everyone else tonight after this. There's a lot to take in...and my second will be taking time away to see what this place has to offer. [...though tomorrow, of course, is when the potential lucas arrives. she doesn't think she has to say it, but she does anyway.] I'll be waiting for his arrival before that happens though. If anything to see what we have to work with.
no subject
he keeps it to himself and moves on. he nods in response to her plan ]
It'll be a pain. It won't be something a few kind words can fix, but hopefully over prolonged exposure to you all and the understanding that he is not an individual deserving of damnation, he will gradually make his way back to himself.
[ a beat ]
Let me know if you need anything.
no subject
Then it's a good thing I have a lot of patience and firmly believe he deserves better. [...] I'm not going anywhere, so...I'll update you in a week, maybe. Just to tell you everything I'm sure he won't. Thank you, Famine.
no subject
[ a simple correction. she can know his first name now. but most importantly, ]
Don't forget yourself in all this. Until next time.