audience: laudna

[mygod]

Comments

[mygod]

[ to call delilah strong, and to want her around, it must leave laudna feeling the opposite. to feel directionless without something that's also a poison to you... it does sound like a torture of its own ]

Recovery is not linear, especially when you have the option to return to your trauma as a twisted sort of comfort because it's familiar.

[ their tone is understanding, but not quite accepting ]

[undread]

[yeah this is a little too exactly true for her to feel good about hearing it.]

She doesn't comfort me.

[but she does. both as a source of strength and as an often warm and encouraging voice in her mind.]

I'm using her just as she uses me.

[mygod]

Oh? Then how do you take advantage of her?

[ if not for some form of comfort and reassurance ]

[undread]

She gets stronger and gives me magic and power, which I'll use to protect my friends. But we'll stop her before she gets powerful enough to achieve her goals.

[mygod]

Do you know this for certain?

[ tilts head ]

I do consider you clever enough to understand that power is not so easily taken from those who amass it, especially if you consider yourself weak without her influence.

[undread]

[she stops for a moment to think about her answer.]

No. I suspect eventually she'll gain enough power to take control. But others will be strong enough to kill us when that happens. That I do know for certain.

[mygod]

I don't believe I need to ask you if that's what you want to happen.

Did we not speak on the fact that you'd rather continue existing than die again?

[ or is there something in this equation that isn't quite adding up? ]

[undread]

I'd rather continue existing, but...

[it's complicated.]

The world is very dangerous right now. Many of us will likely die. I want to see it through, set things right, ensure a future for all of my friends. After that, I don't know that it matters.

If I could continue existing and be free of Delilah after that's done, then I'd be happy. But I don't think I can help bring about that world without her assistance, so better to move on from it.

[mygod]

Ah. So that is what drives you.

[ to pursue a future for others, even though she might not have her own. even though she saw an experience without the shadow of delilah over her shoulder, and is even living one now.

that prompts famine to ask: ]

Is she here with you? This 'Delilah'.

[undread]

No. But she was seen last week, by those who went into the fog...

[which was actually terrifying.]

[mygod]

And? Do you feel empowered to know that she lingers here, if she is your source of strength?

[undread]

...No. If she's going to be here, at least she could help me.

[mygod]

Hm.

[ a thoughtful pause ]

If you could find her again here, would you take her into yourself? Is that the level of codependent you're at?

[undread]

[codependent is judgey, though accurate. she frowns at it though.]

I doubt I'd get much of a say in that. I never have.

[mygod]

But were you not the one to say that you sought to regain her power, even after she was purged from you once?

[ brings a hand up to their chin in thought ]

I see you're a person who isn't honest with yourself.

[ continues to be judgey i guess ]

[undread]

[wowwww. this actually does make her mad, even if it's true.]

I didn't bring her back on purpose. I didn't want her back. It was a mistake.

[mygod]

[ tilts head ]

But did you not say earlier that you need her...?

[ laudna is so valid to be mad, though famine's tone remains curious. a bit confused. trying to follow the complicated sentiments laden with trauma and emotion is a bit of a maze and they do not have nearly enough tact to handle it gently ]

[undread]

I wasn't able to make it without her. I tried, but eventually I lost control and tapped back into the power she had offered. That's why I brought her back. But I didn't intend to.

[she felt awful for it, in fact.]

I just wasn't strong enough to resist her. And I don't think trying to get away from her will work, anyway. Not with the world as dangerous as it is... that's why I need her.

[mygod]

[ they're quiet for a bit after that, thoughtful. they don't apologize for being rude, but they do seem to be doing their best to understand ]

To me, it seems that you are making it here without her.

But if you believe there is no choice but to proceed by leaning on her, then I suppose that is the only path forward for you.

[undread]

I'm not, really. If I had my power, I would be able to do a lot more.

[mygod]

What power do you possess without her?

[undread]

I was born with innate magic, so outside of this place, I can do quite a bit of it...

But she was a brilliant wizard tied to a powerful god. The abilities she had at the height of her power were more than I could ever do on my own. And I get frightened easily, sometimes. When I'm with my friends, it's not so bad, but when I'm alone, I get very frightened. I need her power so no one can hurt me.

[mygod]

Why is it always gods...

[ it just keeps happening ]

I didn't think that one of the reasons for why you depend on her would be that you're a scaredy cat.

[undread]

[she actually isn't offended by this at all.]

Oh. Yes, that's the primary reason why. I'm constantly terrified! You would have to be crazy not to be, when you know how bad it's possible for things to be.

[mygod]

[ ? ]

I am not familiar with fear.

[ so they count as crazy. not surprising ]