Yup! [almost a false, light tone because goddamn is she tired! stop that!] We figured these things are designed specifically for the things that will hurt the most, but I don't...I saw him the next day and that probably helped, but I don't want to be used to remind him further of things he feels guilty for.
[meanwhile, it does not get better either because she's thinking about what they went through and it's probably going to be really clear really soon why she was even more unhappy to hear what happened to lucas.]
...the three of us were at the bar. The fog showed up to kind of block us in, and there was writing on the wall outside. "The door that wakes in darkness, opening into nightmares." The door to the bar itself was locked, so Cloud tried to get in through the window. Iwatooshi used his weapon to knock the doorknob off, but Cloud got stuck. So I went inside first. I don't know what Cloud saw but he ran in really fast after that and Iwatooshi followed. At first everything seemed kind of okay? We heard someone singing, but nobody was in the bar with us. Iwatooshi recognized it as his partner, Imanotsurugi. The boys were exploring the bar, and I checked the stage before these...holes? Portals? The bar started falling apart, black tar and peeling and the holes opened. This...Mikazuki is someone Iwatooshi knows from home, and he appeared and held me back with his sword. Sephiroth appeared behind Cloud to prevent him from running ahead, grabbing him in place and stabbing his leg.
[and she pauses because she's thinking of what to say.]
"Altering history? We are with the spider-lilies for only a moment, and then we watch them wither away. Would you keep the dead from dying?" That's what Mikazuki said before the sword came down. [a hand drifts to her stomach.] At least this time it didn't go through. But Mikazuki started...bleeding and changing, weird yellow and black glitches. He and Sephiroth switched places so that Mikazuki was holding Cloud back, and Sephiroth's sword was in me. [a frown.] You can imagine the response.
[from. from both of them.]
Cloud and Iwatooshi slashed through Sephiroth and he disappeared. Mikazuki was nowhere to be found, but Imanotsurugi appeared instead...rotting and stumbling until he stabbed Iwatooshi, too. Cloud slashed through him and he disappeared like the others. And...everything was quiet then. It smelled awful, and the bar was still decomposing but there was a fog began to pour out of the stage as it cracked and it knocked all of us out. When we woke up, everything was normal. Even our injuries were closed...just scarred over. We left after that.
So it seems. [anna really said grandpa's too powerful but it's okay, she did try to brain him with her staff and she's only slightly grudgy at the moon. but yeah, they do!]
Well...the chills and absolutely crushing hopelessness only lasted a day. The wound's closed and the soreness'll probably fade after another couple of days. [and?] And...tired, I think. I'm tired of these things being used against people. Iwatooshi's only cared about taking care of Imanotsurugi and the things he wasn't able to do for him, and...even after whatever had gripped Cloud wore off, he still blamed himself for what happened. [...] A few days before we died here, he promised he wouldn't let anything hurt me. So I think having it happen twice started getting to him, especially since I know he's trying to remember the fact he couldn't stop Sephiroth from killing me the first time even if his mind won't let him think about it. It's...really stupid to say it's not fair because death isn't, sometimes, but it's not fair to anybody
You are right that fairness does not exist in the realm of life and death. It never has. But that doesn't mean that you lose your ability to complain about it. If it's terrible, you might as well mention it.
[ frowns ]
Is he still blaming himself? Your companion. And you worry over him, unsure if the words you have to offer can make any of it better?
[this is the worst tag to come back to after cloud returns from cyoa :ben:]
A lot of things are terrible, I think. But it's only worth mentioning a few of them. [she will be honest about that much, but...yeah. there's that.]
Something like that. Cloud gets in his own head a lot and it's always hit or miss if I can get in there with him. He won't necessarily say he's still blaming himself, but I can tell he's bothered by it. Even with circumstances being what they are, he thinks he should be capable enough to keep me safe, and like he failed me because he didn't. I've told him I don't blame him and won't blame him and he said it's not entirely about that, so...I just have to do my best to try and make the guilt less.
[ me tagging this thread back and laughing about it. scien looks thoughtful about that though. they really both have guilt-ridden soup-brained blondes, even though their relationships with their respective blonde are very different
but it's not that foreign to him ]
... when there is something or someone you cherish, it is easy to want to take responsibility for them. Where any instance in which they are harmed, even if it has nothing to do with you, feels like a failure.
It is the price of caring.
You can walk through his logic with him, point out the fallacies... but the most obvious evidence against his failure is the fact that you are still next to him.
He has his own ways of showing he cares, even if they're not obvious. And worrying about me is one of them. [...] I'm still next to him for now. But if there comes a time I can't be, I don't know how to walk him through that. Then again I did it once before, I think.
Much less now. [horrifically it's still alpha week so she's not coy about this, but she's also herself and has considered this since they spoke about it initially.] But don't you think it's foolish to say that it's a guaranteed even if it's a hope?
[this is fair, she doesn't entirely disagree either. it makes sense? it's stupid to be confident if you aren't sure what options there are and you don't have the skills to get there. but currently, she has a few options to explore.]
The longer I'm here and the more I talk to him, and the more I think about it, the less dead I feel. Which is sort of backwards but...I didn't go back to the lifestream. I was on my way, but I never made it there before coming here. And if Cloud was able to see me and Zack, and knowing some things changed, it might be less impossible than I originally thought.
[who the fuck is zack.]
I think the biggest limitations right now are being here and not having a clear path out yet. But we're working on that together.
[ which he sounds pleasantly surprised about. good on these hets for getting their shit together slightly (surely cyoas did not and will not cause any problems here) ]
You are far too much of a busybody to be feeling preemptively dead. I think I've already mentioned that if you are not going to give up on people, you should not give up on yourself first.
It is only crueler to take their crutch away at their worst moment.
[the way she's going to crawl out of her cyoa next week to bitch into the hole at scien probably.
anyway she kind of rolls her eyes at being called a busybody except she knows she is. that was never a secret.]
You know it was easier to think of it that way because the alternative was scary. Thinking I wasn't and then being proven wrong later. But I'm not giving up right now. We're seeing this through to the end and if it still can't work the way I want it to...I'll prepare something then. [...] If anything, I've at least thought about mentioning it to other people to see how that goes. Give me something to think about.
[STOP. me waiting for monday and now me going nvm she'll come for him after this. but...!]
Scien, you and Yuffie are the only people who actually know. And Nehan, I suppose. Everyone else here thinks I'm perfectly fine and have a lot left to live for.
[she says this like this isn't news? (it is probably news. maybe they aren't even talking about the same thing.)]
[LISTEN. YUFFIE ALSO KNEW. CLOUD ALSO KNOWS HE JUST DOESN'T REMEMBER.]
You have. [just admits it.] And I think you know I didn't because I didn't want to make things even worse than they are for everyone. I've thought about it. And there are a few people I think I want to explain it to, but sometimes I try and I can't figure out how to say it. So it's easier not to so we can focus on staying ahead of the situation over here.
I understand to some degree that this is your level of conscientious for others.
[ . . . ]
But to have died, and to die again is heavy. We spoke of that too. And while I am here for you, I am not close enough to comfort you properly. I do not even know if I fully know how.
[ he's here for her to vent and cry and talk to, but he's not a warm person. he is too far to be truly one, even when he tries. he cannot hold her hand or be a shoulder for her to cry on, which he thinks she does need ]
You do not need have another level of loneliness to yourself. People will be sad, yes. But that is because they care about you, and think your life is worthwhile. Let them feel all of that, and let yourself feel it too.
We did. But you know I don't come to you for comfort, right? I never expected that from you. Not because I don't think you're capable of it—[that's also part of it, admittedly.]—but because it isn't in your job description to do so. I told you because you figured it out, and because I know you won't be sad about it in the way other people will be. You're pragmatic. And I appreciate that.
[he's also not wrong that she probably does actually need the same level of support she gives other people but, well, she has cloud who is doing his best. and she will in time tell a few other people.]
...do you know I think Yuffie would've willingly killed someone to secure a wish to save me? If she thought I wouldn't be extremely upset about it. Or that if Cloud and I hadn't gone together, he would have harmed more people himself because he wouldn't be able to process the grief? [...] I get it. Not everyone is that drastic. But maybe this is a level of loneliness I'm used to already.
[also pragmatically said, because sometimes you really do spend so much of your life alone and work through your own thoughts and issues because the few people around you you can trust can't fully relate or understand.]
Your child is a teenager whose brain hasn't developed equipped with a sharp object. And your man is an individual who is trying, but also has so much going on in his brain that he got defensive when I asked about it. You said it yourself that not everyone is them, and so uniquely incapable of helping.
[ they are trying their best and scien will acknowledge it but my god. he keeps having these conversations with people who are so used to taking care of others that they struggle to take care of themselves ]
I am not blaming you for not mentioning it this far—but it is something that you can take into your hands, and I support your decision to do so.
I am certain you will find yourself pleasantly surprised.
[okay well. the look on her face kind of goes "yeah, fair" and she shrugs a little. that is true. her child and her man both have problems.]
...I'll see what I can do, okay? I know you're right. And I'll happily tell you you're right when it turns out that way, but maybe I'll give it another couple of days. Weekends are always hard on everyone, and this one...
[...well. truthfully she doesn't have too many feelings about this particular weekend outside of her general sadness it happened, and frustration people are possessed, but you know.]
One thing at a time. But that's my progress report for you so far.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[meanwhile, it does not get better either because she's thinking about what they went through and it's probably going to be really clear really soon why she was even more unhappy to hear what happened to lucas.]
...the three of us were at the bar. The fog showed up to kind of block us in, and there was writing on the wall outside. "The door that wakes in darkness, opening into nightmares." The door to the bar itself was locked, so Cloud tried to get in through the window. Iwatooshi used his weapon to knock the doorknob off, but Cloud got stuck. So I went inside first. I don't know what Cloud saw but he ran in really fast after that and Iwatooshi followed. At first everything seemed kind of okay? We heard someone singing, but nobody was in the bar with us. Iwatooshi recognized it as his partner, Imanotsurugi. The boys were exploring the bar, and I checked the stage before these...holes? Portals? The bar started falling apart, black tar and peeling and the holes opened. This...Mikazuki is someone Iwatooshi knows from home, and he appeared and held me back with his sword. Sephiroth appeared behind Cloud to prevent him from running ahead, grabbing him in place and stabbing his leg.
[and she pauses because she's thinking of what to say.]
"Altering history? We are with the spider-lilies for only a moment, and then we watch them wither away. Would you keep the dead from dying?" That's what Mikazuki said before the sword came down. [a hand drifts to her stomach.] At least this time it didn't go through. But Mikazuki started...bleeding and changing, weird yellow and black glitches. He and Sephiroth switched places so that Mikazuki was holding Cloud back, and Sephiroth's sword was in me. [a frown.] You can imagine the response.
[from. from both of them.]
Cloud and Iwatooshi slashed through Sephiroth and he disappeared. Mikazuki was nowhere to be found, but Imanotsurugi appeared instead...rotting and stumbling until he stabbed Iwatooshi, too. Cloud slashed through him and he disappeared like the others. And...everything was quiet then. It smelled awful, and the bar was still decomposing but there was a fog began to pour out of the stage as it cracked and it knocked all of us out. When we woke up, everything was normal. Even our injuries were closed...just scarred over. We left after that.
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but scien frowns at that, clearly displeased with what he's hearing. ]
... your traumas really keep coming back in the worst way.
[ on god????? ]
And? How are you feeling after all that?
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Well...the chills and absolutely crushing hopelessness only lasted a day. The wound's closed and the soreness'll probably fade after another couple of days. [and?] And...tired, I think. I'm tired of these things being used against people. Iwatooshi's only cared about taking care of Imanotsurugi and the things he wasn't able to do for him, and...even after whatever had gripped Cloud wore off, he still blamed himself for what happened. [...] A few days before we died here, he promised he wouldn't let anything hurt me. So I think having it happen twice started getting to him, especially since I know he's trying to remember the fact he couldn't stop Sephiroth from killing me the first time even if his mind won't let him think about it. It's...really stupid to say it's not fair because death isn't, sometimes, but it's not fair to anybody
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[ frowns ]
Is he still blaming himself? Your companion. And you worry over him, unsure if the words you have to offer can make any of it better?
[ if he's taking guesses ]
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A lot of things are terrible, I think. But it's only worth mentioning a few of them. [she will be honest about that much, but...yeah. there's that.]
Something like that. Cloud gets in his own head a lot and it's always hit or miss if I can get in there with him. He won't necessarily say he's still blaming himself, but I can tell he's bothered by it. Even with circumstances being what they are, he thinks he should be capable enough to keep me safe, and like he failed me because he didn't. I've told him I don't blame him and won't blame him and he said it's not entirely about that, so...I just have to do my best to try and make the guilt less.
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but it's not that foreign to him ]
... when there is something or someone you cherish, it is easy to want to take responsibility for them. Where any instance in which they are harmed, even if it has nothing to do with you, feels like a failure.
It is the price of caring.
You can walk through his logic with him, point out the fallacies... but the most obvious evidence against his failure is the fact that you are still next to him.
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He has his own ways of showing he cares, even if they're not obvious. And worrying about me is one of them. [...] I'm still next to him for now. But if there comes a time I can't be, I don't know how to walk him through that. Then again I did it once before, I think.
[after...she died. very weird, very confusing]
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You are still resigned to leaving him?
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But the only time it is foolish to be confident is when you possess more doubts than skill.
[ this is coming from the most confident person in the world. this is not alpha week this is just scien ]
Be clear about your limitations, but follow through anyway. That is how progress happens.
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The longer I'm here and the more I talk to him, and the more I think about it, the less dead I feel. Which is sort of backwards but...I didn't go back to the lifestream. I was on my way, but I never made it there before coming here. And if Cloud was able to see me and Zack, and knowing some things changed, it might be less impossible than I originally thought.
[who the fuck is zack.]
I think the biggest limitations right now are being here and not having a clear path out yet. But we're working on that together.
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It sounds like progress to me.
[ which he sounds pleasantly surprised about. good on these hets for getting their shit together slightly (surely cyoas did not and will not cause any problems here) ]
You are far too much of a busybody to be feeling preemptively dead. I think I've already mentioned that if you are not going to give up on people, you should not give up on yourself first.
It is only crueler to take their crutch away at their worst moment.
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anyway she kind of rolls her eyes at being called a busybody except she knows she is. that was never a secret.]
You know it was easier to think of it that way because the alternative was scary. Thinking I wasn't and then being proven wrong later. But I'm not giving up right now. We're seeing this through to the end and if it still can't work the way I want it to...I'll prepare something then. [...] If anything, I've at least thought about mentioning it to other people to see how that goes. Give me something to think about.
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Mentioning... your death?
[ a beat
wait. ]
They didn't know?
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Scien, you and Yuffie are the only people who actually know. And Nehan, I suppose. Everyone else here thinks I'm perfectly fine and have a lot left to live for.
[she says this like this isn't news? (it is probably news. maybe they aren't even talking about the same thing.)]
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also
??????????? ]
You haven't been telling people?
[ HE REALLY DIDN'T REALIZE NO ONE ELSE KNEW THIS IS SO FUNNY ]
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the look on her face really, really is just like "um........."]
...n...o? [god help her.] Um. That probably changes the context of a few things, doesn't it?
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[ THE IDEA OF ONLY TELLING SCIEN BROFIISE FOR MULTIPLE WEEKS THAT YOU'RE FUCKING DEAD ]
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You have. [just admits it.] And I think you know I didn't because I didn't want to make things even worse than they are for everyone. I've thought about it. And there are a few people I think I want to explain it to, but sometimes I try and I can't figure out how to say it. So it's easier not to so we can focus on staying ahead of the situation over here.
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[ . . . ]
But to have died, and to die again is heavy. We spoke of that too. And while I am here for you, I am not close enough to comfort you properly. I do not even know if I fully know how.
[ he's here for her to vent and cry and talk to, but he's not a warm person. he is too far to be truly one, even when he tries. he cannot hold her hand or be a shoulder for her to cry on, which he thinks she does need ]
You do not need have another level of loneliness to yourself. People will be sad, yes. But that is because they care about you, and think your life is worthwhile. Let them feel all of that, and let yourself feel it too.
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[he's also not wrong that she probably does actually need the same level of support she gives other people but, well, she has cloud who is doing his best. and she will in time tell a few other people.]
...do you know I think Yuffie would've willingly killed someone to secure a wish to save me? If she thought I wouldn't be extremely upset about it. Or that if Cloud and I hadn't gone together, he would have harmed more people himself because he wouldn't be able to process the grief? [...] I get it. Not everyone is that drastic. But maybe this is a level of loneliness I'm used to already.
[also pragmatically said, because sometimes you really do spend so much of your life alone and work through your own thoughts and issues because the few people around you you can trust can't fully relate or understand.]
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[ they are trying their best and scien will acknowledge it but my god. he keeps having these conversations with people who are so used to taking care of others that they struggle to take care of themselves ]
I am not blaming you for not mentioning it this far—but it is something that you can take into your hands, and I support your decision to do so.
I am certain you will find yourself pleasantly surprised.
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...I'll see what I can do, okay? I know you're right. And I'll happily tell you you're right when it turns out that way, but maybe I'll give it another couple of days. Weekends are always hard on everyone, and this one...
[...well. truthfully she doesn't have too many feelings about this particular weekend outside of her general sadness it happened, and frustration people are possessed, but you know.]
One thing at a time. But that's my progress report for you so far.
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We both know I'm right.
[ as long as that's the case, he's fine with it ]
Keep up the good work. Do some more.
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[because he is right as it turns out, but unfortunately she will skip their regular saturday meeting and postpone to monday. wahoo.]