[IT WAS ROBIN'S FEET AND FUCKING PYRAMID HEAD I AM LOSING MY ENTIRE ASS. I HATE IT HERE SCIEN'S REALLY OUT HERE GOING THROUGH IT FOR THIS USELESSASS DEADASS CATHOLIC
Anyway everyone returned at the same time Hawke arrived for the laughs so there's just 17 people popping up like daisies throughout the cemetery at around the same time. Lucas is just going to be trying to climb his way out of his own grave after he says hello to her without having any way of seeing where he's going or even feeling what he's doing so Scien can just come pick up his stupid blind dog easily, at least. For Scien's sake it can be at a distance from the main cluster. i'll get dramatic after this i hate it here]
the second that pEOPLE START RISING FROM THE GRAVE he just immediately moves. he looks for his stupid dog among them. I'M NOT GOING TO BOTHER WITH SERIOUS META WHEN I KEEP THINKING ABOUT FEET YOU ALREADY GOT THE WORST OF THE CRUSHING GRIEF AND YEARNING!!!!! IT'S JUST MORE OF THAT!!!!!!! ]
Scien truly gets so ruined by even the smallest bud of love though. The way Lucas is not even remotely ready to be bodied by the strength of his grief and yearning. For now, he swings around in the direction of Scien's voice, clearly disoriented.]
[ it's not like scien doesn't notice that lucas is disoriented.
but right now, the way that he is now, he is too swept up in emotion to care. that grief for someone that is standing just a few feet away encompasses everything to him. it obliterates his ability to think on anything more than how badly he wants to catch lucas in his arms and so he does, even though he knows that on a good day it's not the best idea to surprise lucas with touch.
his thoughts are frazzled. his emotions are tense. anxious. they only even slightly begin to ebb away once lucas is in his arms and scien is able to bury his face in lucas's hair. he's reminded by the fact that lucas hates relivers, that if he were to ever truly die, scien could never save him. he could never capture his memory and keep him.
it's more upsetting than he can bear.
so for a moment he doesn't say anything, just clinging on, before he mumbles something soft, almost pleading: ]
[It's such a stunning blast of emotions that honestly, even if Lucas were to react poorly to the sudden touch that he can't see coming and can only detect by pressure, that reaction would have been stunted where it stood.
He's left breathless, the confusion and disorientation amplified for a few moments as he struggles to cope with the feelings of grief and anxiety and upset that wash over him, foreign and hard to think of as applying to himself. Eventually, he lifts his arms. He's still careful about touching Scien, but in the face of this, what else can he do? He wants to hold him, to comfort away the awful knot of emotions. He's certainly not a fan of death or the lightness in which people treat it when it's impermanent, but he's died enough times by now that he can set it all aside to focus on Scien.
Carefully, he slides his arms around Scien, the gesture tender and delicate, his own answering emotions concerned and guilty.]
...I'm sorry. [His voice is soft and a little awed. Even after all of the favoritism he's been drowned in, even with the strength of affection, he hadn't thought his loss - temporary, eventual or otherwise - would be impactful.] Did you-- ...Have you been waiting? You weren't hurt, were you?
[ he doesn't want lucas to feel guilty. people die so easily here. it's not his fault. even the first time that he heard lucas died in the graveyard, a protective flare came up from him. but to experience it now that he's here, so close, so unable to do anything, so already enamored with him in such a short time in the way that scien can never feel things halfway—it was always going to devastate him. ]
Mm. [ a soft noise. a confirmation, in some ways. he noses further against lucas's hair, gentle and hiding himself away for a moment as he curls around lucas just to keep him close. ] I'm not hurt.
[ not physically, anyway. this emotional ache is something else, and scien, as someone who doesn't even think about his emotions as important, forgets to list it as an ailment even though it's exactly this feeling that's tearing him apart. ]
I understand that you can't control things here. [ even now, the logic is trying to fight its way to the forefront ] But I can't...
[ his voice wavers for a moment, traitorously. he takes a second to center himself again. what does he want to say? ]
I did not fight off the curse to save your life, only to lose you so soon.
[Hearing that Scien isn't hurt runs a thread of relief through the rest of his feelings. So many people had died in that stupid fucking massacre that hearing Scien's voice made him briefly afraid that he'd fallen, too. The wounds of the heart are another matter - things that can't be seen, but can be felt in the moment. Addressing them can come next.
He lets himself be held close, curled around, as if standing here in Scien's arms will preempt any further dangers to either of them - even though Lucas himself has proven to be one of the biggest dangers to Scien here. His hands run soft, soothing circles across Scien's back, and he presses his face against his shoulder, breathing in and out in a slow and purposeful way. For his own sake, and for the show that he's alive again, even if he hadn't been not that long ago.]
I'm sorry, even so. [Even though it isn't his fault buT IT KIND OF IS but no one has to know........ His distraction...
The waver in Scien's voice plucks at a strange chord in him. Something tender and aching, but still with that ever-present sharpness that fits ill with every other part of him that's slowly but surely been opening up to the god in his arms. The flutter of that little bud of love is sorrowful in this moment, for finding yet another way to harm Scien. Perhaps a worse way than any of the rest, if this level of emotional hurt is anything to go by.]
...I'll do what I can to stay alive. I didn't mean to hurt you... I don't want to say goodbye to you yet.
[Death is just darkness here, just a blip of nothing like falling into a dreamless sleep. It's nothing to mourn for, to worry about or be frightened of, really. But the image of Scien waiting by his silent grave fills his mind and makes his heart ache fiercely.]
[ it is such an ironic thing, for lucas to have been the direct cause of scien's death just days earlier. for scien to know, realistically, that death is just an inconvenience here. it is not entirely too different from being a reliver that way. a temporary disappearance, and then a memory or sense restored in due time.
and yet scien has been made to tackle a thought that is far more permanent.
that one day, there is a chance that he will lose lucas. and there will be nothing to be done for it. the only solution is for scien to go first—but how could he stand to leave lucas alone and feel this pain instead? and somehow, even now, scien decides he doesn't want to live forever. he won't compromise his principles so thoroughly just to escape this pain.
but doesn't it say enough that it even crosses his mind?
he shuts his eyes for a moment, soaking up every sorrow and ache. this is what it means to respect life, he tells himself. to know that you're only meant to get one. this is what it means to let someone in enough so that they can hurt you.
this is the shape of a love that'll lead to ruin. ]
Your word is all I need. I believe you. Just... be here.
[ here, close. while scien can once again ground himself in reality, counting lucas's breaths at they come and go. feeling the way they hold onto each other. the smell of his shampoo, the cadence of his voice, the hue of his emotions.
everything he doesn't want to lose. everything he doesn't want to forget. ]
[This is what it means to respect life. It's what it means to have a heart. To love someone so fiercely because of and in spite of the fact that one day, it will end. That there will come a point when every person who is beloved and who loves others will die, leaving those they've touched dealing with the agony of their loss, dealing with the shape of their absence for the rest of their lives.
For Lucas, it's never been a question of living forever. Even in the deepest pits of his own misery, even when he's wished to feel less, or for the suffering to end, he's never wanted to give it all up. He's never regretted his desire to remain human.
...But it does hurt. He understands that. The notion of loss, of letting go. It's what's driven him past the brink of madness more than once already, after all. And if the disastrous love he's fostering now will also lead to destruction - even more than it's already wrought - he would still choose it, too.
His answer comes soft but sure, as he presses his face against Scien before shifting his head to the side enough to speak more clearly.]
I will. I'll be right here with you, for as long as you'd like me to be. I don't intend to go anywhere.
[Until Scien is able to let go of his tension further, until he doesn't have to feel quite so miserable over the unavoidable future in which death will come for the both of them, permanently.
For now, he's here, solid and breathing, resting his weight against Scien, trying to soothe the strain from his body just as surely as he's trying to soothe the pain from his heart. It's still a startling level of hurt, almost unbelievable to someone who thinks so little of themselves. A precious, sorrowful thing, these feelings just for him.]
scien knows that factually, lucas won't be able to be right there with him as long as scien wants. because right now, with all these fractures showing up in his calm, he wants lucas to be with him forever—even if he doesn't believe in forever as a general concept. how long is that? how is that even possible?
but he accepts the sentiment, if nothing else. he centers on how it feels for lucas to press against him, and he grounds himself in the now. this isn't like him. this isn't anything like what he's felt before. this is something that even scien brofiise couldn't anticipate before it destroyed him from the inside.
for so long scien has found the concept of wishes to be stupid. countless people asked him 'if you were in our shoes, what would you wish for?' and every time his arrogance was clear. there was nothing he would wish for, because there was nothing he couldn't accomplish with his own power.
but what leaves his mouth next—what could it be called, if not a wish?
he shifts enough to press a kiss to lucas's temple, soft. reverent. whole. ]
I want to grow old with you.
[ a wish that would be so straightforwardly romantic in any other setting, with any other people—but for them, it's such a mournful sentiment. lucas, who was almost out of time. scien, who has had nothing but time.
could they ever hope to amount to anything more than this? ]
[It's a simple and soft sentiment, and one that hits him like a truck because of exactly who they are, and exactly where they're from. When growing old is little more than a fanciful daydream that a populace has long since forgotten, words like that carry the sentiment of a fairytale. A nonsensical desire, even if Scien himself has made it so that that's no longer the case.
There's a quiet feeling that spreads through him on hearing that. A mixture of the awe from earlier, knocked down as he'd been by the intensity of what Scien was feeling, and a renewed stun. Somehow, no matter how many times Scien states things and re-states them, it takes repeat after repeat for the words and sentiments to actually start sinking in. Lucas knows that he's wanted, but he doesn't really know - had no idea that a person so calm and even-keeled was even capable of this sort of depth and intensity of grief and desire.
He can only feel the kiss against his temple in the vague sensation of pressure, soft and gentle. After a second, he shifts a bit, too. Getting just enough distance so that he can hold a tentative hand up.]
...Please guide me. Allow me to touch your face.
[Since he can't see where he's aiming and also can't feel for it and he doesn't want to accidentally cause more damage after this day of truly stupid damage. But as he's waiting, he adds:]
You would want for all of that time...?
[With him? It seems impossible. A normal human lifespan already seems impossible, let alone the eternity Scien craves in spite of his refusal to be eternal.]
[ distantly, in the back of his mind, scien understands that lucas is blind. the way that people lose some part of themselves after death, and he files that away while they speak. at least for now, scien isn't immediately drawn by the need to go anywhere—he'd rather stay wherever lucas is.
his fingers guide lucas's hand gently, curling around the back of lucas's hand and directing him so that his fingertips can brush against scien's cheek. he fits his face into lucas's waiting palm then, if only just to seek out one more reminder of his touch. scien hadn't been driven to tears in his waiting, but he was brought so alarmingly close.
he can't even think of a single time that he'd cried in all these decades. ]
I would want for even more. [ he admits it quietly, his selfish heart finding the opportunity to escape ] Even though I don't wish for an abnormal lifespan, I know already that this time we get together won't be enough.
[ it's such a tragic thing. to be with someone for just as many years as he's already been alive—multiple arpéchélean lifetimes—and still wish for more. it is such a wonderful thing to be find someone so important. it's also so haunting. ]
So I want, at least, every moment until the ends of our new, natural, normal lifespans. I want you at 30, 50—Hades, even 100 if we make it.
[He can feel the pressure of Scien's fingers against his hand, and then of meeting something else, soft and light, and he finds it... quite frustrating, really. Not being able to feel him, even with his hand right there - even with his reluctance to touch at all. He lets his thumb move out over Scien's cheek, brushing against the corner of his mouth in a gentle sweep.]
I can't feel you. [An addendum, since he thinks it's obvious enough that he can't see him, either. He's careful and leaves his hand where it had been placed so he doesn't accidentally cause harm, but the frustration flickers through his emotions briefly. How can he want to do anything but comfort, when that feeling - a misery that had almost brought Scien Brofiise to tears - is what he'd been met with?
But he's quiet after that, contemplating the words that Scien speaks. Together for a normal lifespan, which already seems abnormal to someone raised and ready to die by twenty-three. To live side by side for decades and decades, maybe even a century. It's almost unfathomable to him, who's always had a short clock.]
...It's... not an easy thing. Envisioning life even a few years out from today is difficult for me. [It's going to take him a while to adjust, and even then, he's not a long-term planner or a far-future thinker. But he pauses after that, considering his words. There's one sentiment that not even the viperous part of him can argue against.]
Even so, it's also difficult to imagine moving into a future that doesn't have you in it.
[ to be without both sight and touch does sound annoying. the frustration comes through their emotional connection, and scien isn't surprised by it. but what he says is still just as certain. ]
As long as you're near, I don't need anything else. [ he doesn't need comfort, or even attention. just this simple confirmation that lucas is alive. when lucas's thumb brushes against scien's mouth, what can he do but turn toward it and press a gentle kiss against the pad of his thumb? he wonders just how much lucas can feel it, and hope it's enough. ] I'll take care of you, until your senses return.
[ a little promise, because it's still in scien's nature to look after lucas even when emotionally he's still so obviously fragmented. he holds onto lucas so tenderly and treats him so adoringly, but there is still this weight in his chest from the enormity of the loss that hasn't eased in the slightest.
is that just another way of demonstrating the totality of his affection? that there is something that lingers, even after lucas has already returned to him? how can you mourn someone who's right in your arms? ]
I want to always take care of you. I know the way that time can march on. I've gone months, years not meeting anyone new or doing anything different from what I know.
But as you learn what's possible, for a life outside of our expectations... I want to learn alongside you.
[Scien's been like this from the start, but it's still so strange to him as an existence who's used to giving things to those around him, whether due to his own fussy nature or due to coercion. For nothing to be expected of him at all, beyond his presence.]
I want to do more for you... [A soft, almost petulant murmur, even though his stupid ass can't do much right now regardless. At the very least, staying near is no difficult task. He can feel the pressure of touch against his thumb and correctly assumes it's a kiss, and there's a flutter of something fond in the mix of his emotions.]
Just keep me with you, then. I won't wander off and get into any trouble that way.
[MURDERED BY PYRAMID HEAD A SECOND TIME BECAUSE HE STILL DOESN'T SEE IT COMING. But he doesn't even joke about it because the depth of that weight is something he can feel so clearly, and it's still quite overwhelming. Very strange, being forced to second-hand mourn yourself when you aren't even dead anymore. But it does speak a great deal to him. What exactly is being said is something Lucas will have to pick apart later, when he's not quite so disoriented from his own death and revival and from Scien's intensity.
As for the rest...]
...Let's learn together, then. I'd like to find a future like that... One where we can uncover new experiences. Where we can smile under the blue sky with Nadia. I'd like to see what big things await, and enjoy small, normal things. Like visiting a patisserie, and I can be certain that you both eat something filling and nutritious.
[Exactly what he's wanted all these years. A quiet, peaceful life, even if peace and quiet are always ephemeral in the same way that joys and sorrows are.]
[ scien can say a million times that lucas doesn't need to do anything for him, and is fairly certain that it would only lead to their silly, fussy back and forth. so he doesn't say that, instead taking a moment to turn his face and nose into lucas's palm, pressing more into the touch of his hand. less for the purpose of hiding away, and more to just enjoy his presence so close. ]
I won't let you go. Mind your balance, I'm lifting you.
[ is all he'll say instead, and then go to pick lucas right up off his feet. it's more efficient than guiding around his blind dog, but also ironic. if scien thought he was emotionally disturbed all those days ago, then today is so much worse and having lucas in his arms does bring a small burst of affection and comfort in his chest, starting to push against the heavy weight of his mourning.
he'll start to walk, aiming to bring them back to the apartments. but he also basks in the future that lucas starts to paint for them, and—there is something so gently ironic about it, because to scien these experiences aren't... well, new. he's seen that blue sky with nadia and lucas. they've gone to a patisserie. lucas has fussed over him before.
and that was before love was ever part of the equation.
some amusement hits his emotions, untraceable in its origin, and he presses a kiss to lucas's forehead. ]
Then it'll be yours. Anything you want of me, I'll grant it. We'll have so many mundane, peaceful days that it will stop feeling like a grand dream all its own. Then you'll only have to get greedier, and your desires even bigger.
[He's getting so used to Scien picking him up lately that he truly just makes all the adjustments needed to expedite how fast he can be scooped automatically. And once he's settled in Scien's arms, still only able to tell through sensations of pressure, he'll allow himself to lean into him, resting his head against his shoulder. Feeling the small burst of comfort ignites something quietly pleased in him in return. His brainworms are currently mostly postmortem dormant, which means he gets to just experience this desire to fuss over Scien relatively unimpeded. Absolutely stupid.
BUT AWAY THEY GO to the apartments as Lucas describes a future he basically already has as Scien probably realizes that his other dog is also gently enamored. He turns his face toward the sensation, and there's a warmth to his smile that somehow feels easier to display in this moment than before.]
I'm already far too greedy a person as things are, Scien... I can't keep asking for more. [HE CAN AND HE WILL THOUGH.] ...I'll try not to want for more than that, when the time comes that I can have it.
[ lucas's smile is so warm that scien wants to capture the feeling. he does so by pressing their lips together, chasing after even the faintest imprint of that sweetness.
it's funny, given the state that he found lucas in. suffering through detox, falling apart at the seams, wary and shaking and feral. even in the moments when lucas smiled, while some parts were certainly genuine, scien knew that plenty of those times were just a mask being sealed into place. this... feels different. ]
Hope looks good on you.
[ softly, just a tender little observation. it's not as though scien's shaken off his own sadness and upset over lucas's death but... it's easier to be soothed. like this. to see a lucas that wants to live... somehow, wants to live with him, even. ]
I'm telling you to want more, darling fool. What do people seek when dreaming up their future with their lover? When would we wed? [ when, not if. ] Do you still seek children, alongside the ones you teach? How many cats are we adopting?
[There's a little blip of surprise since he can't see the kiss coming, but he feels so warm and tender and open in this moment that all it makes him want to do is chase after Scien's mouth. He doesn't, because that would be disastrous given his current state, but it's a flicker of desire that thrums through him.
Truly hilarious, though. The Lucas of two months ago could hardly be called the same Lucas that's sitting here comfortably in Scien's arms, discussing a future together without falling to the impulse of hatred and malice. It's still tangled up within him, it's still something he'll need therapy to break away from, and it's still a threat to the man carrying him, but progress isn't nonexistent. Lucas has been able to see that a version of himself exists separately from his own violence. It's like slamming a hatchet into firewood. The first few hacks are difficult, but getting those through is the hardest and most important part.
There's a roll of something soft over Scien's first statement, and perhaps a little bashful. But the rest is met first with a startled feeling, and then something a touch complex. SCIEN REALLY ISN'T CASUAL AT ALL...
Considering he just murdered this man two days ago in a fit of insanity, it's hard for him to face the wild notion of such a domestic future. It stirs the guilt that's been with him strongly for weeks and weeks, and leaves him tucking his face away against Scien as if that could hide the fact that hearing this almost frightens him a little. Partially because they're not notions he finds himself reeling away from, even if he finds it hard to ask for more than just a few smiles thrown his way, or the normalcy of a lunch at the bakery. Or maybe... it's too easy to ask for more, and that's the problem?]
...That would be allowing my greed a little too much freedom, I think. [Said softly, quietly; a way of saying it's too much for him.] You're too indulgent...
[But Scien is the one whose heart is achy, so Lucas will allow himself just a little tease instead of being quite so dire.]
We can get one cat and name it after you, since you'd have quite a bit in common.
[ lucas tucks his face away from scien so scien can't answer that little desire for another kiss, but he makes a note of it... if lucas wants a little kiss, then there is simply no way that scien could deny him that.
though the discussion of plans for a cat make him... hesitant. ]
... no, I don't like that. How will I know when you're talking to me... The cat can get its own name.
[ stupid idiot the way he's not even offended by the idea he just wants to avoid the confusion
but also, lucas offers this extremely gentle rebuttal. it feels too greedy. it feels too easy. it feels like too much to ask for. and scien's response is only so? ]
I want all these things with you. It is only my generosity that allows you to make the choices of the details.
[ does that make it easier? is it easier to want, if lucas can just blame scien for being so endlessly wanting? to seek out that future together without hesitation? scien isn't particularly concerned about the details. setting a wedding date is whatever. whether or not they grow their family is optional, but only because lucas already spends time with so many children. but.
aren't these just natural things to want, when you've decided, the entirety of a week and change ago, that you want to have someone in their entirety? their past, their present, and their future too ]
I suppose that's true. It might confuse the sweet cat, too.
[So their cat that will share so many similarities with Scien will just have to have a different name... Meanwhile Scien refuses to give him his gentle rebuttal and let him escape!! Truly it's a good thing the brainworms are napping or they'd be riled so terribly over this insistence of painting a picture of an idyllic future together. Marriage, a family, a cute little cat - it's honestly hilarious. Are these not things he'd craved for himself before, when he wasn't aware of the guilt? When he'd felt more worthy of a peaceful life and a gentle love?
Lucas has always admired romances with soft edges and a rosy tint. He's always craved that sort of normal, idealistic beauty for himself. On realizing exactly who and what he is, he'd let go of any hope of that. Rather, it hadn't even been anywhere remotely near the forefront of his thoughts, consumed as they were by grief and guilt. But at no point had he ever pictured himself finding exactly what he'd hungered for in Scien Brofiise.]
Only your generosity, is it? [Does that make it easier? A little, maybe. It's still all quite a bit to take in for one little guilty Catholic, but it's impossible for someone as susceptible to love as Lucas is to turn Scien away for long, especially when their wants coincide.
That's been the game of the last week or so, despite the horrific messes he's made along the way. Who in the world could face the full beautiful brilliance of Scien and not be completely taken in? It's still hard for him to separate himself from his venom, especially when he's not in Scien's presence, but when he is, and when he's almost entirely himself, he slips so quickly. The little flower that he can only do his best to protect against himself is held so carefully in Scien's hands and tended to so well, is it really any wonder that the roots are already burrowing fast?]
[ it could confuse the sweet cat and the unsweet scien....
but it's funny how to scien, he never once wanted these things. love was the most confounding, useless emotion of all. and despite everything, and all that he says, he is still gathering data to be sure that this is love. he doesn't want to make a statement without being certain of it. without knowing, absolutely, that this is the emotion that had driven so many into their insane acts of devastation—whether inflicted upon themselves, or others.
but feeling this horrible ache in his chest that is only soothed increment by increment by lucas's presence, to feel his heart ever so gently squeezed when looking upon his sweet face... he thinks it's not hard to come to his own conclusions.
even if this it not yet love, it almost certainly will be.
scien brings them through the doors of the apartment building and into his lab again, wandering toward the bed and away from the couch that has since been cleaned. he'll move to sit, but even then he keeps lucas in his lap so comfortably. his arms settle around his waist, almost trapping him there, even as scien presses his lips to lucas's cheeks in repeated little gestures. partially just because he can, to revel in the fact that he's even here to be kissed—and partially to answer some of that desire from earlier. ]
It is my generosity.
[ he just confirms it ]
I will wait as long as you ask me to. But as we're to live a long life together, then it's important to consider what it will be filled with. And I intend on making you the happiest person on the island, and then the world. Nadia may be equal with you.
[ scien like i'm getting ahead of this bc he knows lucas's happiness is contingent on nadia's
but ]
Will you still tell me that you'd rather not be greedy?
[He allows himself to be trapped, considering he had no reason or desire to be anywhere else, anyway. Or ability at this point, really. It's not often that Lucas feels physically helpless, but the combination of sightlessness and not even being able to feel his way around is incredibly disorienting.
See: the way the he can't even enjoy these kisses to the fullest, even if they're still comforting in a way. It satisfies a bit of his want, but leaves him feeling somewhat frustrated in return. Dying twice in murder town is a bad idea actually.]
Guide me again?
[A quiet request as he once again lifts a hand, wanting to touch without harm. He considers Scien's generosity while he waits - a greed that perhaps even his meets its match in.]
The world? [A little burst of amusement, something fond, and something discomforted. He hardly feels worthy of the happy moments he gets now, let alone having so many of them that he could be considered the happiest person. Nadia deserves the world and more, but Lucas?]
I don't want more than my fairest share of happiness. [Which probably frankly should be none given how much happiness he's stolen from others.] So I would still rather not be greedy... I'll have to ask you to wait a little longer.
[ the little request is met easily, and scien will let his fingers curl around lucas's wrist to gently bring it closer. though he will also press his lips against the center of lucas's palm and each of his fingertips first, speaking between the little notes of affection. ]
The world.
[ stubbornly! ]
I've already decided what your share of happiness should be. But I like you enough to accept waiting for you to come to the same conclusion that I have.
[ to grow into that greed and want for a peaceful, idyllic life with god at his side. and only after he makes that grand statement is when he'll again fit his cheek right into the curve of lucas's waiting palm. ]
[NOT THE WORLD!!!! He doesn't want to be the happiest person in all of the world, even being the happiest Lucas he could possibly be in this moment feels impossibly selfish. But it's hard not to warm against the affection he's shown, both in action and word.]
My, what an honor.
[It's a gentle tease, even though there is at least part of him that's aware of the fact that it is. Being the person to captivate a god to the point that he'll wait for you is quite the honor, indeed. He shifts his hand a little, feeling the shape of Scien's face as carefully as he can, brushing his thumb across the skin there. His other hand rises tentatively, and instead of waiting to be guided, he bumps his fingertips lightly against Scien's shoulder and feels his way up in a delicate and slow spidering of his fingers, using the position of his other hand as reference until he's holding Scien's face between his hands.]
Thank you for waiting, even though time is always limited.
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Anyway everyone returned at the same time Hawke arrived for the laughs so there's just 17 people popping up like daisies throughout the cemetery at around the same time. Lucas is just going to be trying to climb his way out of his own grave after he says hello to her without having any way of seeing where he's going or even feeling what he's doing so Scien can just come pick up his stupid blind dog easily, at least. For Scien's sake it can be at a distance from the main cluster. i'll get dramatic after this i hate it here]
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the second that pEOPLE START RISING FROM THE GRAVE he just immediately moves. he looks for his stupid dog among them. I'M NOT GOING TO BOTHER WITH SERIOUS META WHEN I KEEP THINKING ABOUT FEET YOU ALREADY GOT THE WORST OF THE CRUSHING GRIEF AND YEARNING!!!!! IT'S JUST MORE OF THAT!!!!!!! ]
Lucas!
no subject
Scien truly gets so ruined by even the smallest bud of love though. The way Lucas is not even remotely ready to be bodied by the strength of his grief and yearning. For now, he swings around in the direction of Scien's voice, clearly disoriented.]
Scien...?
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but right now, the way that he is now, he is too swept up in emotion to care. that grief for someone that is standing just a few feet away encompasses everything to him. it obliterates his ability to think on anything more than how badly he wants to catch lucas in his arms and so he does, even though he knows that on a good day it's not the best idea to surprise lucas with touch.
his thoughts are frazzled. his emotions are tense. anxious. they only even slightly begin to ebb away once lucas is in his arms and scien is able to bury his face in lucas's hair. he's reminded by the fact that lucas hates relivers, that if he were to ever truly die, scien could never save him. he could never capture his memory and keep him.
it's more upsetting than he can bear.
so for a moment he doesn't say anything, just clinging on, before he mumbles something soft, almost pleading: ]
Don't die on me again.
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He's left breathless, the confusion and disorientation amplified for a few moments as he struggles to cope with the feelings of grief and anxiety and upset that wash over him, foreign and hard to think of as applying to himself. Eventually, he lifts his arms. He's still careful about touching Scien, but in the face of this, what else can he do? He wants to hold him, to comfort away the awful knot of emotions. He's certainly not a fan of death or the lightness in which people treat it when it's impermanent, but he's died enough times by now that he can set it all aside to focus on Scien.
Carefully, he slides his arms around Scien, the gesture tender and delicate, his own answering emotions concerned and guilty.]
...I'm sorry. [His voice is soft and a little awed. Even after all of the favoritism he's been drowned in, even with the strength of affection, he hadn't thought his loss - temporary, eventual or otherwise - would be impactful.] Did you-- ...Have you been waiting? You weren't hurt, were you?
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Mm. [ a soft noise. a confirmation, in some ways. he noses further against lucas's hair, gentle and hiding himself away for a moment as he curls around lucas just to keep him close. ] I'm not hurt.
[ not physically, anyway. this emotional ache is something else, and scien, as someone who doesn't even think about his emotions as important, forgets to list it as an ailment even though it's exactly this feeling that's tearing him apart. ]
I understand that you can't control things here. [ even now, the logic is trying to fight its way to the forefront ] But I can't...
[ his voice wavers for a moment, traitorously. he takes a second to center himself again. what does he want to say? ]
I did not fight off the curse to save your life, only to lose you so soon.
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He lets himself be held close, curled around, as if standing here in Scien's arms will preempt any further dangers to either of them - even though Lucas himself has proven to be one of the biggest dangers to Scien here. His hands run soft, soothing circles across Scien's back, and he presses his face against his shoulder, breathing in and out in a slow and purposeful way. For his own sake, and for the show that he's alive again, even if he hadn't been not that long ago.]
I'm sorry, even so. [Even though it isn't his fault buT IT KIND OF IS but no one has to know........ His distraction...
The waver in Scien's voice plucks at a strange chord in him. Something tender and aching, but still with that ever-present sharpness that fits ill with every other part of him that's slowly but surely been opening up to the god in his arms. The flutter of that little bud of love is sorrowful in this moment, for finding yet another way to harm Scien. Perhaps a worse way than any of the rest, if this level of emotional hurt is anything to go by.]
...I'll do what I can to stay alive. I didn't mean to hurt you... I don't want to say goodbye to you yet.
[Death is just darkness here, just a blip of nothing like falling into a dreamless sleep. It's nothing to mourn for, to worry about or be frightened of, really. But the image of Scien waiting by his silent grave fills his mind and makes his heart ache fiercely.]
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and yet scien has been made to tackle a thought that is far more permanent.
that one day, there is a chance that he will lose lucas. and there will be nothing to be done for it. the only solution is for scien to go first—but how could he stand to leave lucas alone and feel this pain instead? and somehow, even now, scien decides he doesn't want to live forever. he won't compromise his principles so thoroughly just to escape this pain.
but doesn't it say enough that it even crosses his mind?
he shuts his eyes for a moment, soaking up every sorrow and ache. this is what it means to respect life, he tells himself. to know that you're only meant to get one. this is what it means to let someone in enough so that they can hurt you.
this is the shape of a love that'll lead to ruin. ]
Your word is all I need. I believe you. Just... be here.
[ here, close. while scien can once again ground himself in reality, counting lucas's breaths at they come and go. feeling the way they hold onto each other. the smell of his shampoo, the cadence of his voice, the hue of his emotions.
everything he doesn't want to lose. everything he doesn't want to forget. ]
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For Lucas, it's never been a question of living forever. Even in the deepest pits of his own misery, even when he's wished to feel less, or for the suffering to end, he's never wanted to give it all up. He's never regretted his desire to remain human.
...But it does hurt. He understands that. The notion of loss, of letting go. It's what's driven him past the brink of madness more than once already, after all. And if the disastrous love he's fostering now will also lead to destruction - even more than it's already wrought - he would still choose it, too.
His answer comes soft but sure, as he presses his face against Scien before shifting his head to the side enough to speak more clearly.]
I will. I'll be right here with you, for as long as you'd like me to be. I don't intend to go anywhere.
[Until Scien is able to let go of his tension further, until he doesn't have to feel quite so miserable over the unavoidable future in which death will come for the both of them, permanently.
For now, he's here, solid and breathing, resting his weight against Scien, trying to soothe the strain from his body just as surely as he's trying to soothe the pain from his heart. It's still a startling level of hurt, almost unbelievable to someone who thinks so little of themselves. A precious, sorrowful thing, these feelings just for him.]
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scien knows that factually, lucas won't be able to be right there with him as long as scien wants. because right now, with all these fractures showing up in his calm, he wants lucas to be with him forever—even if he doesn't believe in forever as a general concept. how long is that? how is that even possible?
but he accepts the sentiment, if nothing else. he centers on how it feels for lucas to press against him, and he grounds himself in the now. this isn't like him. this isn't anything like what he's felt before. this is something that even scien brofiise couldn't anticipate before it destroyed him from the inside.
for so long scien has found the concept of wishes to be stupid. countless people asked him 'if you were in our shoes, what would you wish for?' and every time his arrogance was clear. there was nothing he would wish for, because there was nothing he couldn't accomplish with his own power.
but what leaves his mouth next—what could it be called, if not a wish?
he shifts enough to press a kiss to lucas's temple, soft. reverent. whole. ]
I want to grow old with you.
[ a wish that would be so straightforwardly romantic in any other setting, with any other people—but for them, it's such a mournful sentiment. lucas, who was almost out of time. scien, who has had nothing but time.
could they ever hope to amount to anything more than this? ]
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There's a quiet feeling that spreads through him on hearing that. A mixture of the awe from earlier, knocked down as he'd been by the intensity of what Scien was feeling, and a renewed stun. Somehow, no matter how many times Scien states things and re-states them, it takes repeat after repeat for the words and sentiments to actually start sinking in. Lucas knows that he's wanted, but he doesn't really know - had no idea that a person so calm and even-keeled was even capable of this sort of depth and intensity of grief and desire.
He can only feel the kiss against his temple in the vague sensation of pressure, soft and gentle. After a second, he shifts a bit, too. Getting just enough distance so that he can hold a tentative hand up.]
...Please guide me. Allow me to touch your face.
[Since he can't see where he's aiming and also can't feel for it and he doesn't want to accidentally cause more damage after this day of truly stupid damage. But as he's waiting, he adds:]
You would want for all of that time...?
[With him? It seems impossible. A normal human lifespan already seems impossible, let alone the eternity Scien craves in spite of his refusal to be eternal.]
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his fingers guide lucas's hand gently, curling around the back of lucas's hand and directing him so that his fingertips can brush against scien's cheek. he fits his face into lucas's waiting palm then, if only just to seek out one more reminder of his touch. scien hadn't been driven to tears in his waiting, but he was brought so alarmingly close.
he can't even think of a single time that he'd cried in all these decades. ]
I would want for even more. [ he admits it quietly, his selfish heart finding the opportunity to escape ] Even though I don't wish for an abnormal lifespan, I know already that this time we get together won't be enough.
[ it's such a tragic thing. to be with someone for just as many years as he's already been alive—multiple arpéchélean lifetimes—and still wish for more. it is such a wonderful thing to be find someone so important. it's also so haunting. ]
So I want, at least, every moment until the ends of our new, natural, normal lifespans. I want you at 30, 50—Hades, even 100 if we make it.
[ no more of this dying at 23 nonsense ]
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I can't feel you. [An addendum, since he thinks it's obvious enough that he can't see him, either. He's careful and leaves his hand where it had been placed so he doesn't accidentally cause harm, but the frustration flickers through his emotions briefly. How can he want to do anything but comfort, when that feeling - a misery that had almost brought Scien Brofiise to tears - is what he'd been met with?
But he's quiet after that, contemplating the words that Scien speaks. Together for a normal lifespan, which already seems abnormal to someone raised and ready to die by twenty-three. To live side by side for decades and decades, maybe even a century. It's almost unfathomable to him, who's always had a short clock.]
...It's... not an easy thing. Envisioning life even a few years out from today is difficult for me. [It's going to take him a while to adjust, and even then, he's not a long-term planner or a far-future thinker. But he pauses after that, considering his words. There's one sentiment that not even the viperous part of him can argue against.]
Even so, it's also difficult to imagine moving into a future that doesn't have you in it.
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As long as you're near, I don't need anything else. [ he doesn't need comfort, or even attention. just this simple confirmation that lucas is alive. when lucas's thumb brushes against scien's mouth, what can he do but turn toward it and press a gentle kiss against the pad of his thumb? he wonders just how much lucas can feel it, and hope it's enough. ] I'll take care of you, until your senses return.
[ a little promise, because it's still in scien's nature to look after lucas even when emotionally he's still so obviously fragmented. he holds onto lucas so tenderly and treats him so adoringly, but there is still this weight in his chest from the enormity of the loss that hasn't eased in the slightest.
is that just another way of demonstrating the totality of his affection? that there is something that lingers, even after lucas has already returned to him? how can you mourn someone who's right in your arms? ]
I want to always take care of you. I know the way that time can march on. I've gone months, years not meeting anyone new or doing anything different from what I know.
But as you learn what's possible, for a life outside of our expectations... I want to learn alongside you.
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I want to do more for you... [A soft, almost petulant murmur, even though his stupid ass can't do much right now regardless. At the very least, staying near is no difficult task. He can feel the pressure of touch against his thumb and correctly assumes it's a kiss, and there's a flutter of something fond in the mix of his emotions.]
Just keep me with you, then. I won't wander off and get into any trouble that way.
[MURDERED BY PYRAMID HEAD A SECOND TIME BECAUSE HE STILL DOESN'T SEE IT COMING. But he doesn't even joke about it because the depth of that weight is something he can feel so clearly, and it's still quite overwhelming. Very strange, being forced to second-hand mourn yourself when you aren't even dead anymore. But it does speak a great deal to him. What exactly is being said is something Lucas will have to pick apart later, when he's not quite so disoriented from his own death and revival and from Scien's intensity.
As for the rest...]
...Let's learn together, then. I'd like to find a future like that... One where we can uncover new experiences. Where we can smile under the blue sky with Nadia. I'd like to see what big things await, and enjoy small, normal things. Like visiting a patisserie, and I can be certain that you both eat something filling and nutritious.
[Exactly what he's wanted all these years. A quiet, peaceful life, even if peace and quiet are always ephemeral in the same way that joys and sorrows are.]
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I won't let you go. Mind your balance, I'm lifting you.
[ is all he'll say instead, and then go to pick lucas right up off his feet. it's more efficient than guiding around his blind dog, but also ironic. if scien thought he was emotionally disturbed all those days ago, then today is so much worse and having lucas in his arms does bring a small burst of affection and comfort in his chest, starting to push against the heavy weight of his mourning.
he'll start to walk, aiming to bring them back to the apartments. but he also basks in the future that lucas starts to paint for them, and—there is something so gently ironic about it, because to scien these experiences aren't... well, new. he's seen that blue sky with nadia and lucas. they've gone to a patisserie. lucas has fussed over him before.
and that was before love was ever part of the equation.
some amusement hits his emotions, untraceable in its origin, and he presses a kiss to lucas's forehead. ]
Then it'll be yours. Anything you want of me, I'll grant it. We'll have so many mundane, peaceful days that it will stop feeling like a grand dream all its own. Then you'll only have to get greedier, and your desires even bigger.
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BUT AWAY THEY GO to the apartments as Lucas describes a future he basically already has as Scien probably realizes that his other dog is also gently enamored. He turns his face toward the sensation, and there's a warmth to his smile that somehow feels easier to display in this moment than before.]
I'm already far too greedy a person as things are, Scien... I can't keep asking for more. [HE CAN AND HE WILL THOUGH.] ...I'll try not to want for more than that, when the time comes that I can have it.
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it's funny, given the state that he found lucas in. suffering through detox, falling apart at the seams, wary and shaking and feral. even in the moments when lucas smiled, while some parts were certainly genuine, scien knew that plenty of those times were just a mask being sealed into place. this... feels different. ]
Hope looks good on you.
[ softly, just a tender little observation. it's not as though scien's shaken off his own sadness and upset over lucas's death but... it's easier to be soothed. like this. to see a lucas that wants to live... somehow, wants to live with him, even. ]
I'm telling you to want more, darling fool. What do people seek when dreaming up their future with their lover? When would we wed? [ when, not if. ] Do you still seek children, alongside the ones you teach? How many cats are we adopting?
Let your greed run away with you.
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Truly hilarious, though. The Lucas of two months ago could hardly be called the same Lucas that's sitting here comfortably in Scien's arms, discussing a future together without falling to the impulse of hatred and malice. It's still tangled up within him, it's still something he'll need therapy to break away from, and it's still a threat to the man carrying him, but progress isn't nonexistent. Lucas has been able to see that a version of himself exists separately from his own violence. It's like slamming a hatchet into firewood. The first few hacks are difficult, but getting those through is the hardest and most important part.
There's a roll of something soft over Scien's first statement, and perhaps a little bashful. But the rest is met first with a startled feeling, and then something a touch complex. SCIEN REALLY ISN'T CASUAL AT ALL...
Considering he just murdered this man two days ago in a fit of insanity, it's hard for him to face the wild notion of such a domestic future. It stirs the guilt that's been with him strongly for weeks and weeks, and leaves him tucking his face away against Scien as if that could hide the fact that hearing this almost frightens him a little. Partially because they're not notions he finds himself reeling away from, even if he finds it hard to ask for more than just a few smiles thrown his way, or the normalcy of a lunch at the bakery. Or maybe... it's too easy to ask for more, and that's the problem?]
...That would be allowing my greed a little too much freedom, I think. [Said softly, quietly; a way of saying it's too much for him.] You're too indulgent...
[But Scien is the one whose heart is achy, so Lucas will allow himself just a little tease instead of being quite so dire.]
We can get one cat and name it after you, since you'd have quite a bit in common.
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though the discussion of plans for a cat make him... hesitant. ]
... no, I don't like that. How will I know when you're talking to me... The cat can get its own name.
[ stupid idiot the way he's not even offended by the idea he just wants to avoid the confusion
but also, lucas offers this extremely gentle rebuttal. it feels too greedy. it feels too easy. it feels like too much to ask for. and scien's response is only so? ]
I want all these things with you. It is only my generosity that allows you to make the choices of the details.
[ does that make it easier? is it easier to want, if lucas can just blame scien for being so endlessly wanting? to seek out that future together without hesitation? scien isn't particularly concerned about the details. setting a wedding date is whatever. whether or not they grow their family is optional, but only because lucas already spends time with so many children. but.
aren't these just natural things to want, when you've decided, the entirety of a week and change ago, that you want to have someone in their entirety? their past, their present, and their future too ]
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I suppose that's true. It might confuse the sweet cat, too.
[So their cat that will share so many similarities with Scien will just have to have a different name... Meanwhile Scien refuses to give him his gentle rebuttal and let him escape!! Truly it's a good thing the brainworms are napping or they'd be riled so terribly over this insistence of painting a picture of an idyllic future together. Marriage, a family, a cute little cat - it's honestly hilarious. Are these not things he'd craved for himself before, when he wasn't aware of the guilt? When he'd felt more worthy of a peaceful life and a gentle love?
Lucas has always admired romances with soft edges and a rosy tint. He's always craved that sort of normal, idealistic beauty for himself. On realizing exactly who and what he is, he'd let go of any hope of that. Rather, it hadn't even been anywhere remotely near the forefront of his thoughts, consumed as they were by grief and guilt. But at no point had he ever pictured himself finding exactly what he'd hungered for in Scien Brofiise.]
Only your generosity, is it? [Does that make it easier? A little, maybe. It's still all quite a bit to take in for one little guilty Catholic, but it's impossible for someone as susceptible to love as Lucas is to turn Scien away for long, especially when their wants coincide.
That's been the game of the last week or so, despite the horrific messes he's made along the way. Who in the world could face the full beautiful brilliance of Scien and not be completely taken in? It's still hard for him to separate himself from his venom, especially when he's not in Scien's presence, but when he is, and when he's almost entirely himself, he slips so quickly. The little flower that he can only do his best to protect against himself is held so carefully in Scien's hands and tended to so well, is it really any wonder that the roots are already burrowing fast?]
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but it's funny how to scien, he never once wanted these things. love was the most confounding, useless emotion of all. and despite everything, and all that he says, he is still gathering data to be sure that this is love. he doesn't want to make a statement without being certain of it. without knowing, absolutely, that this is the emotion that had driven so many into their insane acts of devastation—whether inflicted upon themselves, or others.
but feeling this horrible ache in his chest that is only soothed increment by increment by lucas's presence, to feel his heart ever so gently squeezed when looking upon his sweet face... he thinks it's not hard to come to his own conclusions.
even if this it not yet love, it almost certainly will be.
scien brings them through the doors of the apartment building and into his lab again, wandering toward the bed and away from the couch that has since been cleaned. he'll move to sit, but even then he keeps lucas in his lap so comfortably. his arms settle around his waist, almost trapping him there, even as scien presses his lips to lucas's cheeks in repeated little gestures. partially just because he can, to revel in the fact that he's even here to be kissed—and partially to answer some of that desire from earlier. ]
It is my generosity.
[ he just confirms it ]
I will wait as long as you ask me to. But as we're to live a long life together, then it's important to consider what it will be filled with. And I intend on making you the happiest person on the island, and then the world. Nadia may be equal with you.
[ scien like i'm getting ahead of this bc he knows lucas's happiness is contingent on nadia's
but ]
Will you still tell me that you'd rather not be greedy?
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See: the way the he can't even enjoy these kisses to the fullest, even if they're still comforting in a way. It satisfies a bit of his want, but leaves him feeling somewhat frustrated in return. Dying twice in murder town is a bad idea actually.]
Guide me again?
[A quiet request as he once again lifts a hand, wanting to touch without harm. He considers Scien's generosity while he waits - a greed that perhaps even his meets its match in.]
The world? [A little burst of amusement, something fond, and something discomforted. He hardly feels worthy of the happy moments he gets now, let alone having so many of them that he could be considered the happiest person. Nadia deserves the world and more, but Lucas?]
I don't want more than my fairest share of happiness. [Which probably frankly should be none given how much happiness he's stolen from others.] So I would still rather not be greedy... I'll have to ask you to wait a little longer.
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The world.
[ stubbornly! ]
I've already decided what your share of happiness should be. But I like you enough to accept waiting for you to come to the same conclusion that I have.
[ to grow into that greed and want for a peaceful, idyllic life with god at his side. and only after he makes that grand statement is when he'll again fit his cheek right into the curve of lucas's waiting palm. ]
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My, what an honor.
[It's a gentle tease, even though there is at least part of him that's aware of the fact that it is. Being the person to captivate a god to the point that he'll wait for you is quite the honor, indeed. He shifts his hand a little, feeling the shape of Scien's face as carefully as he can, brushing his thumb across the skin there. His other hand rises tentatively, and instead of waiting to be guided, he bumps his fingertips lightly against Scien's shoulder and feels his way up in a delicate and slow spidering of his fingers, using the position of his other hand as reference until he's holding Scien's face between his hands.]
Thank you for waiting, even though time is always limited.
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