I'm still an imperfect and obstinate person. There's no point in pretending otherwise.
[ he starts to count off on his fingers, which surely will upset the kitty he was petting ]
But it is easier for me to care for Kate, because you asked me to save Nadia.
While the Claude brat was distantly my responsibility to begin with, I had to step in more during your separation to continue the support you provided.
Countless more lives have been saved from my advancements in genetic disorders, which I only became interested in after knowing you.
And if I do 'well enough' when interacting with others, then it likely stems from the fact that for the past three years I've spent most of my personal time with you Prousts and the Claudes.
To me, there is a clear before and after my knowing you. I am not saying that you are without your sins. I don't care to make you into a saint anymore than I want to be called one by other people. Only that the entirety of who you are—the whole of you—has bettered the whole of me.
[FUCKING HELP Scien really said "damn I don't know that guy".
But woah... It's the one emotion that can rival his insane brainwashing... His fucking CATHOLIC GUILT!!!! Scien specifies that he doesn't intend to say Lucas is without sin, but he seems to withdraw a little further. He doesn't want to be told that the whole of him makes anything better when the whole of him just feels so poisoned and venomous.
He doesn't particularly want to linger on the subject either, though. The cat Scien abandoned so rudely meows for his attention, and Lucas's hand that had been dragging the string toy across the floor stills. Can two sinners help each other be better?]
...If you say so.
[A mild response. It feels too frightening if true, and Scien has been so very honest with him.]
I don't have any evidence to the contrary yet, at the very least.
[ HE STILL KNOWS THAT GUY BUT THAT GUY GOT HIS FUCKING STUPID LIL DAHUT KILLED!!!! HE LOST HIS SALOME!!! WHAT A FAILURE AND A LOSER!!!!!!!!!!
scien watches lucas for a moment before he scoops up the cat that's meowing at him entirely with hand, and then goes to deposit it right in lucas's lap ]
[AAAAAAAAA NOT HIS STUPID LIL DAHUT!!!! NOT HIS SALOME!!!!! His fucking two friends in the world good lord.
There's a little surprised sound as this wholeass cat is suddenly gifted to him though, and an accompanying ping of startled confusion. CAT... The cat is a little huffy about being toted around like potatoes, but settles well enough after a few seconds. Somewhat hesitantly, he sets the string toy aside so he can pet this big ol baby... Very light and gentle and careful, everything that his programming does not want for him to be but that he naturally is. More of the tooth and sharpness to him eases just a touch.]
...I will. [If he finds it, and he doesn't know whether or not he hopes he does.
Anyway Scien's lap is now vacant so the fat cat from earlier promptly climbs on up. There's a tiny flicker of something amused, very faint and far-off but still there.]
scien will accept you BIG FAT CAT!!! HE RELATES TO YOU IN YOUR SLEEPINESS AND LETHARGY!!!! so he just pets this one too, not moving away from where he had to scoot closer next to lucas to give him the catte to knock him out of his thoughts ]
[SHE FUCKING DID!!! Though there's another little pulse of guilt at the mention of Izutsumi considering his life accidentally ruined her day not that long ago. He went from the best Wednesday ever to the worst Thursday ever to a Friday that just exploded all of his emotions, and yet Scien is somehow carefully placing them back in order.
What if we were both sitting on the floor with sleepy kitties in our laps at the local Just Cats and we were sitting so close we touched 👉👈 He doesn't actually seem to mind, though. Cats are such a good distraction. The one in his lap starts purring and it gives him the lil warm cat petting fuzzies.]
You really don't... [He's thinking about how long he sat on Scien's lap for. That was like a whole damn hour and neither of them moved all that much except for the teeny tiny shifts over time that he didn't really notice.] I think if someone sat on me for that long, I'd lose the feeling in my legs if I didn't move them at least a little.
[WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING. The emotions are ??? just so disgruntled because not even his kill instincts know what to do with being teased like this.]
I'm not dear Rondo.
[No teasing... WHY IS HE FIRING STRAY SHOTS AT RONDO.]
[DON'T JUST LAUGH AT HIM KILLING RONDO FOR NO REASON!!!!]
Don't let him hear it. It's so cruel he may cry. [STOP KILLING RONDO ON YOUR WAY TO KILL SCIEN.] Especially if he knows it's such a rare and high honor.
[Somehow it's fucking happening again. Even though he had been so roiling with violence and fury not all that long ago, he's eased back into stupid banter with Scien!! He's just hanging out and petting this warm and cute cat that's rolling over in his lap to expose its fluffy belly trap!!! There's more biting edge than before, but the big ol ball of bad feelings is wobbling and wobbling. Ortie's hard work... damn. He'd be so mad and it is so funny.]
[ IT'S SO FUNNY WHEN LUCAS JUST FIRES STRAYS!!! the way scien is also a rude person but he waits for lucas to shoot first because it's truly funnier this way and he can't get fussed at if lucas is mean first ]
It'd be better for him to understand his place. No point in getting his hopes up.
It's funnier for the honor to go to the individual who desires it least.
[LISTEN.......... STOP HE NEEDS TO CEASE WITH HIS STRAY FIRING HE REALLY JUST DECIDES TO TAKE PEOPLE OUT AT RANDOM FOR NO REASON AT ALL.
He also gives Scien a look at the vibe is the i don't want these meme, but hilariously without much bite to it despite the fact that his wobbly feelings are still generally quite unpleasant.]
Find someone else to give the honors to. I don't plan on ending up with another cold curse.
[ this is soooooo funny lucas you are hilarious. scien's emotional vibe is an eye roll to match his very real eye roll ]
It's not about how cursed you are or not, you moron, though obviously I'll take the steps to make you more comfortable when possible.
How close or far you are from me is always your choice unless it's a medical exam. [ in which case scien does call the shots but like.... lucas doesn't need to be cursed to be attached to scien!! ] Was it so wretched to hold onto my hand on the way here?
[He's a clown with no effort... who is also offended by the eyeroll. IT'S ABOUT CURSES!! He only sat in Scien's lap for an hour because he was cold, listen here.
As for the question, his answer is immediate.]
It was uncomfortable. [This is true... And yet not uncomfortable enough for him to have slipped away from Scien's nonrestrictive grasp!! He feels like he has something to prove here though, damn.] But you said you wanted to see something and I was curious as to whether or not you would.
[ uncomfortable and yet scien told him he could pull away and he didn't. the vibe is Disbelieving but he won't pick a fight when lucas's second statement is more interesting to him ]
Whether or not I found you?
[ the question restated, and scien keeps petting his little cat and then looks back at lucas thoughtfully.
[HE'S GOING TO HIT SCIEN WITH A BRICK is the vibe in return when he feels the disbelief. BELIEVE HIM!!!! But the statement reworded has him feeling a strange twang of discomfort at its heels, instead. The first time he heard it, it had somehow started this process of breaking through the ugly snarl of emotions that have been gnawing through him since Friday. This time, it just leaves him feeling a little unnerved. He doesn't like the idea that he could be lost, even though he gets lost so often and so easily.
The hand is met with a little blip of surprise, though. His response isn't immediate, but he does eventually lift his hand from the floor and gently place it in Scien's. Paw... There's another roil of something cutting and viperous, but also a little drifting feeling of curiosity.]
scien takes lucas's hand and as opposed to last time when he just kept it in a loose hold, trying not to snap the already extreme tension, this time he'll let his fingers curl in slightly. he takes lucas's hand, ignoring that violent feeling again, and look it over. bloodstained, delicate, and given to scien's touch of his own free will.
the last part is so very important. ]
You said it yourself. You're right here.
Beneath what aggravates you, and the cruel circumstances of this place, there you are—playful, covered in cat fur, and with a kind word ready in hand.
[ he lets his thumb brush over lucas's knuckles again; just one gentle swipe ]
I've found you, and I'll always find you. Even in the moments you think you don't want to be seen.
A freely given paw that Lucas will allow to be looked over. Bloodstained and delicate, but nestled in Scien's hand without protest beyond the ingrained violence that gets riled so terribly whenever Scien manages to slide through the cracks of him to grab hold of the truest parts. His hand is warm; the swipe across his knuckles is warm.
He's right here, thinking and feeling a bit more clearly once again. Those ugly feelings don't dissipate, but they wobble and wobble and start to fall into something more manageable, instead of such a terrible, devouring creature. He looks down at his hand where it rests, and something aching rises up from the mud of his heart when he hears I've found you, and I'll always find you. It's frightening. Scien Brofiise is a frightening person.]
...I do. [Honest; obvious.] Not "fine", but "better". [And he wants to say thank you for it, but the words stick, so Scien will have to make do with the soft sort of feeling that drifts up past the ache and the quieting fury. Also honestly:]
[ earlier in the week scien's feelings reflected a soft sentiment of ah, there you are. this time, it isn't something so surprised. rather, just the quiet welcoming of lucas's quieted, calmed feelings. the him that is cognizant and aware of his own mind, that makes active steps to try to slot things into place instead of letting the fury win.
hearing that he feels better—even if it's not perfect, because even the small steps of recovery are hard—is enough for now. scien doesn't expect or want a thank you. he only wants lucas's peace of mind. ]
When she asked for my help weeks ago, I knew I would have to accept from that moment that it could be the monster seeking to manipulate me at any time. I took my precautions, but I decided that if something happened, it was a risk I was prepared to take if the alternative was leaving her alone and without anyone.
It is not the first time I've been betrayed. I anticipate it won't be the last.
[ they talked about it in what feels like a lifetime ago. if scien is ever betrayed, it is only his own fault for creating the opening.
but even knowing this, he's not sure what it has to do with lucas's other tangle of emotions. lucas's core is kind and giving, even to demons—but scien can't comprehend an ending where people do anything but celebrate his death ]
[Lucas's peace of mind is immediately threatened by this, damn.
Not really, only partially because he hasn't recaptured a true peace of mind just yet. But this does earn a little flash in the pan of anger again, because Scien takes calculated risks and sometimes others hurt for it.]
You ended up doing that regardless.
[Leaving her alone, standing over his corpse. Now she has to bear the burden of spilling the blood of someone she has surely come to care for, and that's such a miserable thing. He looks at their hands again and there's another complex roll of feelings.
It's Scien's fault for creating the openings he's betrayed through: a thought his most vicious self would adore and celebrate. But right now, there's none of that sharp glee, even if there is still anger and upset. Which, speaking of... His gaze remains locked on their hands. He doesn't need to talk about this. Any of this. Part of him wants to withdraw, pulling back, thinking of the best way to avoid giving a direct answer.
The other part reaches out for the question, hungry to be heard in spite of it all.]
...It made me angry. Angry for Kate. For Mathis. For Essek and Muelsyse. For others who may have been depending on you. But it was... unnerving, too. For you to be lost so quickly. I had grown used to you being there when I looked for you, I suppose.
[He was upset, ultimately. Just the tiniest touch lost, like being left behind in the fog, having to realize that even Scien isn't infallible. Rather silly considering he's meant to eradicate him.]
She had already told the rest of her housemates this week. While I don't deny the weight of the act itself, I didn't leave her alone. She no longer had need of me specifically.
[ the other overseers looked after her. laudna, lavi, the others who cared for her so deeply. his emotions don't take up any notes of defensiveness as he shares what he considers simple fact: once scien isn't needed, his loss isn't that heavy. ]
... any further explanation would only upset you, so I will simply say that I do not find the situation as a whole to be so dire. Even though I do see your point.
[ essek and mumu are competent, so scien isn't worried about leaving them. kate and he can mend their bridge with her arrival. mathis is worrying, but even he isn't left alone. for all of them, scien doesn't think that it's a big deal that he's gone. his ego is one based off pride, not self-importance. there are even benefits to him being in the graveyard, to help balance the numbers and assist nehan and supervise the building of a machine.
but for once, he puts concretes and logic aside.
lucas is, against his own word from earlier in the conversation, explaining how he feels. that's meaningful. every emotion is just another data point, and the fact that lucas is explaining part of his own tangled emotion is worthwhile. ]
You do not need my permission, but I accept your anger. For the inconvenience I've caused others, it's sensible to be concerned on their behalf. But that's between me and them, so I'll address those bonds myself.
[ his gaze also falls down to their hands, where lucas has still accepted scien's touch despite his anger and his anxiety. a tether between them, even though lucas claims he only wants to be apart. ]
I've sealed away Reliver technology in my timeline, and have no interest in recreating it here. I am the same as any other person now, and will have to face death normally once we escape this place. I do not want to be an infinite existence.
[ to establish that first, because he doesn't want lucas to misunderstand. scien doesn't want to be invincible. he wants to be mundane.
his gaze flicks up to meet lucas's eyes. bright, human blue against the reliver cyan. ]
But for the time that I have, that is my own, I would still choose to spend it with you. I will find you, again and again, just to take your hand.
If you would not discard me... then I won't let myself be prematurely taken from you. I will not leave you, until you decide you are ready to be without me.
[There's perhaps a little flicker of something grateful that he's leaving the first part as-is, knowing it would upset him. And then something satisfied, albeit in a biting, sharp way, to have his anger accepted.]
...Alright. It isn't any of my business, regardless.
[He just fusses and worries, even if there's really no point in fussing or worrying because the people involved are - or will be - fine enough sooner or later.
The rest, though... It's a little hard for him to grasp the notion of a finite Scien Brofiise, when he'd been in the same position for decades, longer than anyone else. The idea of it sits strangely with him, not exactly anxious but not thrilled, either, even if there's a part of him that almost wants to be.
I will find you, again and again, he says, deigning to part with some of his limited time for his sake. Until you decide you are ready to be without me, he says.
There's a fleeting thought toward the Lucas in some other version of his home, where Nadia's health had been restored painstakingly and without further bloodshed. Did that distant him decide he was ready to be without Scien? Rather, did he want Scien to stay with him in the first place? He looks from their hands to Scien's face, making eye contact even though the most obvious signs of a Reliver still rile that reflexive, deeply ingrained sense of disgust in him. The emotions under that are still complex. Still hurt, still angry, still just a little lost, but more because he doesn't know where he himself stands, here. Further down, there is the thinnest thread of something like longing.]
...If you'll only have a finite amount of time, there's no need to spend it looking for me. [A beat; he moves to slip his hand away.] But I've already said that I don't discard those I come to know. I may be a beast, but even I'm capable of that much.
[ scien has understood for a while that lucas is dishonest. he always had a tendency toward contradictory behavior, where his words and actions don't align. it's just that these shared feelings reveal exactly how much.
he sees that impossibly thin thread, and lets it run through his fingers. an idea crystallizes in his mind. he pursues it without fear.
for one brief moment, his hold on lucas's hand tightens just enough to keep him from being able to pull away easily. just long enough for scien to say, without any hesitation or irony: ]
I have said it already—it is not about need, it is about choice. If this is all the time we get, I would spend it next to you.
There is no version of events in which I do not choose you. If you want me, I am already yours.
[ and then his hold relaxes again, slowly, as if wondering if lucas will still try to pull away ]
[It's funny, because that thin little thread of longing wasn't even necessarily the gentle stirring of a heart coming into new affections. It's just an impossibly isolated person who's spent year after year praying to a distant and silent god, cold as a crypt, with nothing to show for the rivers of blood he's spilled but wasted time, a precious sister in danger, and no one at all to turn to.
But here, impossibly, he's found exactly that. In such a painful situation, he's found someone who is there every time he turns around. It's the comfort of a shadow at his back, dependable and ever-present. That's why Scien's death had rattled him and triggered the cascade of miserable and furious emotions that set off his violence; it had felt so lonely, seeing that battered and bleeding corpse, even if it made the venomous part of him sing.
Scien catches his hand and he reflexively tugs, but it's light enough that even a hold like this can keep him, which says everything when he's still so terribly strong. Scien speaks again, and his heart aches. Week after week, there he is - the devil he'd never wanted to know, who warms his cold body, places his comfort in his hands, refuses to leave him be even when he's a violent, nasty mess, baring his teeth and ready to tear into him.
In the end, how else is a lonely person meant to respond to being told over and over and over that they're who somebody chooses? Scien's hold relaxes, and Lucas's fingers twitch against his palm in the reflexive desire to pull away and the equally reflexive conflicting desire to leave his hand where it is. Hilariously, this feels like a decision that's genuinely quite difficult for him and his dumb ass doesn't even realize he's getting romanced about it. But it's very hard, admitting in even small ways that you want another person around, when you've been strong on your own for so long.]
...You've said that before, too. You're a terribly strange person, you know... Even if I try, or ask all the questions in the world, I don't know that I'll be able to understand you.
[But his hand remains where it is, featherlight and still.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I'm still an imperfect and obstinate person. There's no point in pretending otherwise.
[ he starts to count off on his fingers, which surely will upset the kitty he was petting ]
But it is easier for me to care for Kate, because you asked me to save Nadia.
While the Claude brat was distantly my responsibility to begin with, I had to step in more during your separation to continue the support you provided.
Countless more lives have been saved from my advancements in genetic disorders, which I only became interested in after knowing you.
And if I do 'well enough' when interacting with others, then it likely stems from the fact that for the past three years I've spent most of my personal time with you Prousts and the Claudes.
To me, there is a clear before and after my knowing you. I am not saying that you are without your sins. I don't care to make you into a saint anymore than I want to be called one by other people. Only that the entirety of who you are—the whole of you—has bettered the whole of me.
no subject
But woah... It's the one emotion that can rival his insane brainwashing... His fucking CATHOLIC GUILT!!!! Scien specifies that he doesn't intend to say Lucas is without sin, but he seems to withdraw a little further. He doesn't want to be told that the whole of him makes anything better when the whole of him just feels so poisoned and venomous.
He doesn't particularly want to linger on the subject either, though. The cat Scien abandoned so rudely meows for his attention, and Lucas's hand that had been dragging the string toy across the floor stills. Can two sinners help each other be better?]
...If you say so.
[A mild response. It feels too frightening if true, and Scien has been so very honest with him.]
I don't have any evidence to the contrary yet, at the very least.
no subject
scien watches lucas for a moment before he scoops up the cat that's meowing at him entirely with hand, and then goes to deposit it right in lucas's lap ]
If you find it, let me know.
But I think the best work is done in reality.
no subject
There's a little surprised sound as this wholeass cat is suddenly gifted to him though, and an accompanying ping of startled confusion. CAT... The cat is a little huffy about being toted around like potatoes, but settles well enough after a few seconds. Somewhat hesitantly, he sets the string toy aside so he can pet this big ol baby... Very light and gentle and careful, everything that his programming does not want for him to be but that he naturally is. More of the tooth and sharpness to him eases just a touch.]
...I will. [If he finds it, and he doesn't know whether or not he hopes he does.
Anyway Scien's lap is now vacant so the fat cat from earlier promptly climbs on up. There's a tiny flicker of something amused, very faint and far-off but still there.]
Cats seem to be fond of you.
no subject
[ izutsumi TRAINED HIM for this
scien will accept you BIG FAT CAT!!! HE RELATES TO YOU IN YOUR SLEEPINESS AND LETHARGY!!!! so he just pets this one too, not moving away from where he had to scoot closer next to lucas to give him the catte to knock him out of his thoughts ]
I think it's because I don't move around a lot.
[ easy pillow ]
no subject
What if we were both sitting on the floor with sleepy kitties in our laps at the local Just Cats and we were sitting so close we touched 👉👈 He doesn't actually seem to mind, though. Cats are such a good distraction. The one in his lap starts purring and it gives him the lil warm cat petting fuzzies.]
You really don't... [He's thinking about how long he sat on Scien's lap for. That was like a whole damn hour and neither of them moved all that much except for the teeny tiny shifts over time that he didn't really notice.] I think if someone sat on me for that long, I'd lose the feeling in my legs if I didn't move them at least a little.
no subject
okay
there's no helping the amusement there either. a tease that comes far too easily: ]
It's no great hardship to have you in my lap, either.
no subject
I'm not dear Rondo.
[No teasing... WHY IS HE FIRING STRAY SHOTS AT RONDO.]
no subject
While I understand the spirit of your statement, I feel as though I should clarify I would not let that knight touch me at all.
no subject
Don't let him hear it. It's so cruel he may cry. [STOP KILLING RONDO ON YOUR WAY TO KILL SCIEN.] Especially if he knows it's such a rare and high honor.
[Somehow it's fucking happening again. Even though he had been so roiling with violence and fury not all that long ago, he's eased back into stupid banter with Scien!! He's just hanging out and petting this warm and cute cat that's rolling over in his lap to expose its fluffy belly trap!!! There's more biting edge than before, but the big ol ball of bad feelings is wobbling and wobbling. Ortie's hard work... damn. He'd be so mad and it is so funny.]
no subject
It'd be better for him to understand his place. No point in getting his hopes up.
It's funnier for the honor to go to the individual who desires it least.
[that's LUCAS OF COURSE ]
no subject
He also gives Scien a look at the vibe is the i don't want these meme, but hilariously without much bite to it despite the fact that his wobbly feelings are still generally quite unpleasant.]
Find someone else to give the honors to. I don't plan on ending up with another cold curse.
no subject
It's not about how cursed you are or not, you moron, though obviously I'll take the steps to make you more comfortable when possible.
How close or far you are from me is always your choice unless it's a medical exam. [ in which case scien does call the shots but like.... lucas doesn't need to be cursed to be attached to scien!! ] Was it so wretched to hold onto my hand on the way here?
no subject
As for the question, his answer is immediate.]
It was uncomfortable. [This is true... And yet not uncomfortable enough for him to have slipped away from Scien's nonrestrictive grasp!! He feels like he has something to prove here though, damn.] But you said you wanted to see something and I was curious as to whether or not you would.
[Did he find Lucas...]
no subject
[ uncomfortable and yet scien told him he could pull away and he didn't. the vibe is Disbelieving but he won't pick a fight when lucas's second statement is more interesting to him ]
Whether or not I found you?
[ the question restated, and scien keeps petting his little cat and then looks back at lucas thoughtfully.
he holds his hand out again, palm up. paw. ]
no subject
The hand is met with a little blip of surprise, though. His response isn't immediate, but he does eventually lift his hand from the floor and gently place it in Scien's. Paw... There's another roil of something cutting and viperous, but also a little drifting feeling of curiosity.]
It's a strange way of looking for someone. So?
no subject
scien takes lucas's hand and as opposed to last time when he just kept it in a loose hold, trying not to snap the already extreme tension, this time he'll let his fingers curl in slightly. he takes lucas's hand, ignoring that violent feeling again, and look it over. bloodstained, delicate, and given to scien's touch of his own free will.
the last part is so very important. ]
You said it yourself. You're right here.
Beneath what aggravates you, and the cruel circumstances of this place, there you are—playful, covered in cat fur, and with a kind word ready in hand.
[ he lets his thumb brush over lucas's knuckles again; just one gentle swipe ]
I've found you, and I'll always find you. Even in the moments you think you don't want to be seen.
Do you feel better?
no subject
A freely given paw that Lucas will allow to be looked over. Bloodstained and delicate, but nestled in Scien's hand without protest beyond the ingrained violence that gets riled so terribly whenever Scien manages to slide through the cracks of him to grab hold of the truest parts. His hand is warm; the swipe across his knuckles is warm.
He's right here, thinking and feeling a bit more clearly once again. Those ugly feelings don't dissipate, but they wobble and wobble and start to fall into something more manageable, instead of such a terrible, devouring creature. He looks down at his hand where it rests, and something aching rises up from the mud of his heart when he hears I've found you, and I'll always find you. It's frightening. Scien Brofiise is a frightening person.]
...I do. [Honest; obvious.] Not "fine", but "better". [And he wants to say thank you for it, but the words stick, so Scien will have to make do with the soft sort of feeling that drifts up past the ache and the quieting fury. Also honestly:]
I hadn't expected you to die.
no subject
hearing that he feels better—even if it's not perfect, because even the small steps of recovery are hard—is enough for now. scien doesn't expect or want a thank you. he only wants lucas's peace of mind. ]
When she asked for my help weeks ago, I knew I would have to accept from that moment that it could be the monster seeking to manipulate me at any time. I took my precautions, but I decided that if something happened, it was a risk I was prepared to take if the alternative was leaving her alone and without anyone.
It is not the first time I've been betrayed. I anticipate it won't be the last.
[ they talked about it in what feels like a lifetime ago. if scien is ever betrayed, it is only his own fault for creating the opening.
but even knowing this, he's not sure what it has to do with lucas's other tangle of emotions. lucas's core is kind and giving, even to demons—but scien can't comprehend an ending where people do anything but celebrate his death ]
Did it upset you?
no subject
Not really, only partially because he hasn't recaptured a true peace of mind just yet. But this does earn a little flash in the pan of anger again, because Scien takes calculated risks and sometimes others hurt for it.]
You ended up doing that regardless.
[Leaving her alone, standing over his corpse. Now she has to bear the burden of spilling the blood of someone she has surely come to care for, and that's such a miserable thing. He looks at their hands again and there's another complex roll of feelings.
It's Scien's fault for creating the openings he's betrayed through: a thought his most vicious self would adore and celebrate. But right now, there's none of that sharp glee, even if there is still anger and upset. Which, speaking of... His gaze remains locked on their hands. He doesn't need to talk about this. Any of this. Part of him wants to withdraw, pulling back, thinking of the best way to avoid giving a direct answer.
The other part reaches out for the question, hungry to be heard in spite of it all.]
...It made me angry. Angry for Kate. For Mathis. For Essek and Muelsyse. For others who may have been depending on you. But it was... unnerving, too. For you to be lost so quickly. I had grown used to you being there when I looked for you, I suppose.
[He was upset, ultimately. Just the tiniest touch lost, like being left behind in the fog, having to realize that even Scien isn't infallible. Rather silly considering he's meant to eradicate him.]
[1/2]
[ the other overseers looked after her. laudna, lavi, the others who cared for her so deeply. his emotions don't take up any notes of defensiveness as he shares what he considers simple fact: once scien isn't needed, his loss isn't that heavy. ]
... any further explanation would only upset you, so I will simply say that I do not find the situation as a whole to be so dire. Even though I do see your point.
[ essek and mumu are competent, so scien isn't worried about leaving them. kate and he can mend their bridge with her arrival. mathis is worrying, but even he isn't left alone. for all of them, scien doesn't think that it's a big deal that he's gone. his ego is one based off pride, not self-importance. there are even benefits to him being in the graveyard, to help balance the numbers and assist nehan and supervise the building of a machine.
but for once, he puts concretes and logic aside.
lucas is, against his own word from earlier in the conversation, explaining how he feels. that's meaningful. every emotion is just another data point, and the fact that lucas is explaining part of his own tangled emotion is worthwhile. ]
You do not need my permission, but I accept your anger. For the inconvenience I've caused others, it's sensible to be concerned on their behalf. But that's between me and them, so I'll address those bonds myself.
no subject
[ his gaze also falls down to their hands, where lucas has still accepted scien's touch despite his anger and his anxiety. a tether between them, even though lucas claims he only wants to be apart. ]
I've sealed away Reliver technology in my timeline, and have no interest in recreating it here. I am the same as any other person now, and will have to face death normally once we escape this place. I do not want to be an infinite existence.
[ to establish that first, because he doesn't want lucas to misunderstand. scien doesn't want to be invincible. he wants to be mundane.
his gaze flicks up to meet lucas's eyes. bright, human blue against the reliver cyan. ]
But for the time that I have, that is my own, I would still choose to spend it with you. I will find you, again and again, just to take your hand.
If you would not discard me... then I won't let myself be prematurely taken from you. I will not leave you, until you decide you are ready to be without me.
no subject
...Alright. It isn't any of my business, regardless.
[He just fusses and worries, even if there's really no point in fussing or worrying because the people involved are - or will be - fine enough sooner or later.
The rest, though... It's a little hard for him to grasp the notion of a finite Scien Brofiise, when he'd been in the same position for decades, longer than anyone else. The idea of it sits strangely with him, not exactly anxious but not thrilled, either, even if there's a part of him that almost wants to be.
I will find you, again and again, he says, deigning to part with some of his limited time for his sake. Until you decide you are ready to be without me, he says.
There's a fleeting thought toward the Lucas in some other version of his home, where Nadia's health had been restored painstakingly and without further bloodshed. Did that distant him decide he was ready to be without Scien? Rather, did he want Scien to stay with him in the first place? He looks from their hands to Scien's face, making eye contact even though the most obvious signs of a Reliver still rile that reflexive, deeply ingrained sense of disgust in him. The emotions under that are still complex. Still hurt, still angry, still just a little lost, but more because he doesn't know where he himself stands, here. Further down, there is the thinnest thread of something like longing.]
...If you'll only have a finite amount of time, there's no need to spend it looking for me. [A beat; he moves to slip his hand away.] But I've already said that I don't discard those I come to know. I may be a beast, but even I'm capable of that much.
no subject
he sees that impossibly thin thread, and lets it run through his fingers. an idea crystallizes in his mind. he pursues it without fear.
for one brief moment, his hold on lucas's hand tightens just enough to keep him from being able to pull away easily. just long enough for scien to say, without any hesitation or irony: ]
I have said it already—it is not about need, it is about choice. If this is all the time we get, I would spend it next to you.
There is no version of events in which I do not choose you. If you want me, I am already yours.
[ and then his hold relaxes again, slowly, as if wondering if lucas will still try to pull away ]
no subject
But here, impossibly, he's found exactly that. In such a painful situation, he's found someone who is there every time he turns around. It's the comfort of a shadow at his back, dependable and ever-present. That's why Scien's death had rattled him and triggered the cascade of miserable and furious emotions that set off his violence; it had felt so lonely, seeing that battered and bleeding corpse, even if it made the venomous part of him sing.
Scien catches his hand and he reflexively tugs, but it's light enough that even a hold like this can keep him, which says everything when he's still so terribly strong. Scien speaks again, and his heart aches. Week after week, there he is - the devil he'd never wanted to know, who warms his cold body, places his comfort in his hands, refuses to leave him be even when he's a violent, nasty mess, baring his teeth and ready to tear into him.
In the end, how else is a lonely person meant to respond to being told over and over and over that they're who somebody chooses? Scien's hold relaxes, and Lucas's fingers twitch against his palm in the reflexive desire to pull away and the equally reflexive conflicting desire to leave his hand where it is. Hilariously, this feels like a decision that's genuinely quite difficult for him and his dumb ass doesn't even realize he's getting romanced about it. But it's very hard, admitting in even small ways that you want another person around, when you've been strong on your own for so long.]
...You've said that before, too. You're a terribly strange person, you know... Even if I try, or ask all the questions in the world, I don't know that I'll be able to understand you.
[But his hand remains where it is, featherlight and still.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)