[ his gaze also falls down to their hands, where lucas has still accepted scien's touch despite his anger and his anxiety. a tether between them, even though lucas claims he only wants to be apart. ]
I've sealed away Reliver technology in my timeline, and have no interest in recreating it here. I am the same as any other person now, and will have to face death normally once we escape this place. I do not want to be an infinite existence.
[ to establish that first, because he doesn't want lucas to misunderstand. scien doesn't want to be invincible. he wants to be mundane.
his gaze flicks up to meet lucas's eyes. bright, human blue against the reliver cyan. ]
But for the time that I have, that is my own, I would still choose to spend it with you. I will find you, again and again, just to take your hand.
If you would not discard me... then I won't let myself be prematurely taken from you. I will not leave you, until you decide you are ready to be without me.
[There's perhaps a little flicker of something grateful that he's leaving the first part as-is, knowing it would upset him. And then something satisfied, albeit in a biting, sharp way, to have his anger accepted.]
...Alright. It isn't any of my business, regardless.
[He just fusses and worries, even if there's really no point in fussing or worrying because the people involved are - or will be - fine enough sooner or later.
The rest, though... It's a little hard for him to grasp the notion of a finite Scien Brofiise, when he'd been in the same position for decades, longer than anyone else. The idea of it sits strangely with him, not exactly anxious but not thrilled, either, even if there's a part of him that almost wants to be.
I will find you, again and again, he says, deigning to part with some of his limited time for his sake. Until you decide you are ready to be without me, he says.
There's a fleeting thought toward the Lucas in some other version of his home, where Nadia's health had been restored painstakingly and without further bloodshed. Did that distant him decide he was ready to be without Scien? Rather, did he want Scien to stay with him in the first place? He looks from their hands to Scien's face, making eye contact even though the most obvious signs of a Reliver still rile that reflexive, deeply ingrained sense of disgust in him. The emotions under that are still complex. Still hurt, still angry, still just a little lost, but more because he doesn't know where he himself stands, here. Further down, there is the thinnest thread of something like longing.]
...If you'll only have a finite amount of time, there's no need to spend it looking for me. [A beat; he moves to slip his hand away.] But I've already said that I don't discard those I come to know. I may be a beast, but even I'm capable of that much.
[ scien has understood for a while that lucas is dishonest. he always had a tendency toward contradictory behavior, where his words and actions don't align. it's just that these shared feelings reveal exactly how much.
he sees that impossibly thin thread, and lets it run through his fingers. an idea crystallizes in his mind. he pursues it without fear.
for one brief moment, his hold on lucas's hand tightens just enough to keep him from being able to pull away easily. just long enough for scien to say, without any hesitation or irony: ]
I have said it already—it is not about need, it is about choice. If this is all the time we get, I would spend it next to you.
There is no version of events in which I do not choose you. If you want me, I am already yours.
[ and then his hold relaxes again, slowly, as if wondering if lucas will still try to pull away ]
[It's funny, because that thin little thread of longing wasn't even necessarily the gentle stirring of a heart coming into new affections. It's just an impossibly isolated person who's spent year after year praying to a distant and silent god, cold as a crypt, with nothing to show for the rivers of blood he's spilled but wasted time, a precious sister in danger, and no one at all to turn to.
But here, impossibly, he's found exactly that. In such a painful situation, he's found someone who is there every time he turns around. It's the comfort of a shadow at his back, dependable and ever-present. That's why Scien's death had rattled him and triggered the cascade of miserable and furious emotions that set off his violence; it had felt so lonely, seeing that battered and bleeding corpse, even if it made the venomous part of him sing.
Scien catches his hand and he reflexively tugs, but it's light enough that even a hold like this can keep him, which says everything when he's still so terribly strong. Scien speaks again, and his heart aches. Week after week, there he is - the devil he'd never wanted to know, who warms his cold body, places his comfort in his hands, refuses to leave him be even when he's a violent, nasty mess, baring his teeth and ready to tear into him.
In the end, how else is a lonely person meant to respond to being told over and over and over that they're who somebody chooses? Scien's hold relaxes, and Lucas's fingers twitch against his palm in the reflexive desire to pull away and the equally reflexive conflicting desire to leave his hand where it is. Hilariously, this feels like a decision that's genuinely quite difficult for him and his dumb ass doesn't even realize he's getting romanced about it. But it's very hard, admitting in even small ways that you want another person around, when you've been strong on your own for so long.]
...You've said that before, too. You're a terribly strange person, you know... Even if I try, or ask all the questions in the world, I don't know that I'll be able to understand you.
[But his hand remains where it is, featherlight and still.]
I repeat myself because I do not know if you hear me the first time. [ something that would normally annoy scien, and actually still does a little, but he finds himself more understanding over eight years of forced brainwashing ] But if nothing else, I do not mind proving to you that I will be consistent. That I won't change my mind about you.
[ and his emotional landscape, however muted, does reflect the very same. scien is calm through everything, only occasionally surprised. but as he sits here with lucas, he can't find himself being shocked over any development. there is only patience, acceptance, and unconditional devotion.
'if you want me,' scien said, but he does not think it's truly a matter of if. only a matter of when lucas will be able to say so, selfishly and honestly.
there is a trickle of amusement at the mention of not being able to understand scien, and all he can do is echo lucas's statement from earlier. ]
"A person is learning for as long as they are alive," isn't it, Professeur? [ a beat ] I am still learning who I can be, with a mended heart. You are still learning who you are, with clear eyes.
Even if we never succeed, there is something worthwhile in the trying.
However strange I might be, however monstrous you could be... I am not opposed to spending the rest of my life learning alongside you. And there is nothing I could learn that would make me turn you away.
[ how could it, when scien has already seen lucas at his worst twice now, and taken his hand without fear both times? ]
[That's really it - it's just the patience, the consistency, the ability to continue again and again even when eight wholeass years of brainwashing make it such an unpleasant and difficult process (mostly for Lucas).
But over the weeks, Scien has shown that - that he's consistent. That his mind hasn't changed. He glances at their hands and then at Scien's face again, gaze lingering reflexively for just a second on the mark of a Reliver on his throat.]
...Well. I wouldn't be a very good teacher if I disagreed with that. The trying is always worthwhile, even if you never reach your destination. Even if you never fully understand. It's what I teach the children, too.
[To keep trying in spite of his own monstrous nature, in spite of how little he feels he understands about Scien more often than not... Would it be such a terrible thing? His emotions are at war as ever, but his hand stays delicately in place.]
Now you're just being ridiculous, though. [Stop offering to learn alongside him for the rest of your life, gayass.]
I am being sincere, and I assume this is something else I will have to repeat to you later. I don't mind.
[ but my god it would really save them a lot of time if lucas just accepted what scien said automatically—but it really is years and years of brainwashing working against them.
scien understands how far they've come, just for them to be sitting together petting cats and holding hands ]
To give you my time is not temporary or fleeting. I am not such an indecisive person. I like you enough that I want to keep you. I won't leave you to fend off your demons by yourself.
[THEY REALLY HAVE COME SO FUCKING FAR MY GOD even just in this single conversation, where he was talked away from an extremely violent ledge. The vestiges of those nastyass emotions still linger, and there's an increased sharpness to him, but he's here nonetheless, sitting with a cat in his lap and his hand in Scien's.
The sincere words he tends to speak have been too overwhelming for him before, though, and it's a bit like that again. Beneath the complex tangle, there's a little twist of something when he hears I like you enough that I want to keep you. His gaze drops back to the cat on his lap, who's busy enjoying its cat life, snoozing away with a paw up in the air. He reaches out to gently squish the toes before tucking it back down.]
Well. [WELL!!!!!] If you did, I'd still manage. [WOULD HE?????] ...But I suppose I haven't had to, in some time.
[Considering Scien is always fucking there, any time he reaches out. Even now that he's died.]
[ with an incredibly generous definition of 'survived'. but it is admittedly the most factual statement that scien can offer. lucas is still alive, through his own determination, and keeping nadia alive along with him. he worked hard. ]
I will not brush aside all your efforts of the past two decades. You have worked very hard for yourself, and for Nadia.
But you can do more than manage and survive. I intend for you to live a full life, where your burdens are halved.
[ because scien will take the other half and then some ]
There's something discomforted in his emotions at that, though. Scien is someone that he does subconsciously feel safe enough with to be vulnerable in front of, but there's still a lot about him that makes it difficult to hear such a direct "I'll help you carry your weight".]
There's no need for that, either, really... [HE CAN DO IT!! (smashcut to lucas falling down 20 more flights of stairs). That said, there's a little flicker of something warm.]
Just this is enough.
[A hand to hold and someone telling him he won't be alone.]
[ there is something in scien's emotions that answer that feeling before he finds this words. no. this isn't enough. while scien is here for lucas so devotedly, he also thinks lucas should experience a better life than this. ]
Then endure it to the best of your ability when the rest comes to you regardless. Warm days spent outside with Nadia. A classroom of your bratty but bright students. A long, healthy life, probably with a cat or two at this rate, and my hand waiting for yours.
[ because scien is a person who is made of greed—so rarely for himself, but so easily for others. he will carry onto this selfishness for lucas until he feels it's safe enough to want on his own.
. . . even if there is a part of him that doesn't hate it. to be told that this—that he—is already enough. ]
[This man has so much fucking audacity in him that even in the midst of this heavyass conversation in which he's still juggling 4000 emotions, he can't help but just give Scien a faintly incredulous look. STOP PAINTING THE PICTURE!!! HE DOESN'T WANT TO BE SELFISH!!!
Except he is selfish, and the little thread of longing tugs at his heart when he thinks of this future. A beautiful place, compared to where he is right now, and where he's been in the past. Terrible, after all of the lives he's ended and all the blood he's spilt, but... that selfish flicker of want remains.]
I don't want to hear it while we're both trapped in this strange town. [Is what his RUDE ASS EVENTUALLY SAYS.]
[ scien thinks the funniest part of literally all of this is that lucas's emotions, as volatile as they are, don't seem to be displaced with the way that scien is gradually making himself a part of his life long-term
which is pretty much all scien needs to know ]
Too bad. I need to make preparations for future plans.
I can at least give you a copy of my memory before you leave, so it can be uploaded into the other Scien Brofiise. Then you won't have to be without me.
[IT'S TRUE... It's done in such a way that even his programming isn't overtly riled by it.
It is, however, overtly riled by the direct mention of making copies of memories and uploads and other Reliver nonsense. There's a sharp spike of that violence, but despite it, Lucas's hand remains still and delicate against Scien's.]
One step at a time. We have to leave here first, survive the summoning of a god, handle a cult, and then we can think about returning.
That is the difference between myself and the Scien Brofiise of your time. I won't let myself be consumed by one specific obsession to the point that I lose sight of the people around me. Progress is being made well enough in the most pressing concerns, so I need to tie up the other loose ends before we leave.
[ so he'll just sit here petting kitty kitties with lucas until something else pulls either of them away. defusing the bomb of his stupid dog's emotions..... successful ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ his gaze also falls down to their hands, where lucas has still accepted scien's touch despite his anger and his anxiety. a tether between them, even though lucas claims he only wants to be apart. ]
I've sealed away Reliver technology in my timeline, and have no interest in recreating it here. I am the same as any other person now, and will have to face death normally once we escape this place. I do not want to be an infinite existence.
[ to establish that first, because he doesn't want lucas to misunderstand. scien doesn't want to be invincible. he wants to be mundane.
his gaze flicks up to meet lucas's eyes. bright, human blue against the reliver cyan. ]
But for the time that I have, that is my own, I would still choose to spend it with you. I will find you, again and again, just to take your hand.
If you would not discard me... then I won't let myself be prematurely taken from you. I will not leave you, until you decide you are ready to be without me.
no subject
...Alright. It isn't any of my business, regardless.
[He just fusses and worries, even if there's really no point in fussing or worrying because the people involved are - or will be - fine enough sooner or later.
The rest, though... It's a little hard for him to grasp the notion of a finite Scien Brofiise, when he'd been in the same position for decades, longer than anyone else. The idea of it sits strangely with him, not exactly anxious but not thrilled, either, even if there's a part of him that almost wants to be.
I will find you, again and again, he says, deigning to part with some of his limited time for his sake. Until you decide you are ready to be without me, he says.
There's a fleeting thought toward the Lucas in some other version of his home, where Nadia's health had been restored painstakingly and without further bloodshed. Did that distant him decide he was ready to be without Scien? Rather, did he want Scien to stay with him in the first place? He looks from their hands to Scien's face, making eye contact even though the most obvious signs of a Reliver still rile that reflexive, deeply ingrained sense of disgust in him. The emotions under that are still complex. Still hurt, still angry, still just a little lost, but more because he doesn't know where he himself stands, here. Further down, there is the thinnest thread of something like longing.]
...If you'll only have a finite amount of time, there's no need to spend it looking for me. [A beat; he moves to slip his hand away.] But I've already said that I don't discard those I come to know. I may be a beast, but even I'm capable of that much.
no subject
he sees that impossibly thin thread, and lets it run through his fingers. an idea crystallizes in his mind. he pursues it without fear.
for one brief moment, his hold on lucas's hand tightens just enough to keep him from being able to pull away easily. just long enough for scien to say, without any hesitation or irony: ]
I have said it already—it is not about need, it is about choice. If this is all the time we get, I would spend it next to you.
There is no version of events in which I do not choose you. If you want me, I am already yours.
[ and then his hold relaxes again, slowly, as if wondering if lucas will still try to pull away ]
no subject
But here, impossibly, he's found exactly that. In such a painful situation, he's found someone who is there every time he turns around. It's the comfort of a shadow at his back, dependable and ever-present. That's why Scien's death had rattled him and triggered the cascade of miserable and furious emotions that set off his violence; it had felt so lonely, seeing that battered and bleeding corpse, even if it made the venomous part of him sing.
Scien catches his hand and he reflexively tugs, but it's light enough that even a hold like this can keep him, which says everything when he's still so terribly strong. Scien speaks again, and his heart aches. Week after week, there he is - the devil he'd never wanted to know, who warms his cold body, places his comfort in his hands, refuses to leave him be even when he's a violent, nasty mess, baring his teeth and ready to tear into him.
In the end, how else is a lonely person meant to respond to being told over and over and over that they're who somebody chooses? Scien's hold relaxes, and Lucas's fingers twitch against his palm in the reflexive desire to pull away and the equally reflexive conflicting desire to leave his hand where it is. Hilariously, this feels like a decision that's genuinely quite difficult for him and his dumb ass doesn't even realize he's getting romanced about it. But it's very hard, admitting in even small ways that you want another person around, when you've been strong on your own for so long.]
...You've said that before, too. You're a terribly strange person, you know... Even if I try, or ask all the questions in the world, I don't know that I'll be able to understand you.
[But his hand remains where it is, featherlight and still.]
no subject
[ and his emotional landscape, however muted, does reflect the very same. scien is calm through everything, only occasionally surprised. but as he sits here with lucas, he can't find himself being shocked over any development. there is only patience, acceptance, and unconditional devotion.
'if you want me,' scien said, but he does not think it's truly a matter of if. only a matter of when lucas will be able to say so, selfishly and honestly.
there is a trickle of amusement at the mention of not being able to understand scien, and all he can do is echo lucas's statement from earlier. ]
"A person is learning for as long as they are alive," isn't it, Professeur? [ a beat ] I am still learning who I can be, with a mended heart. You are still learning who you are, with clear eyes.
Even if we never succeed, there is something worthwhile in the trying.
However strange I might be, however monstrous you could be... I am not opposed to spending the rest of my life learning alongside you. And there is nothing I could learn that would make me turn you away.
[ how could it, when scien has already seen lucas at his worst twice now, and taken his hand without fear both times? ]
no subject
But over the weeks, Scien has shown that - that he's consistent. That his mind hasn't changed. He glances at their hands and then at Scien's face again, gaze lingering reflexively for just a second on the mark of a Reliver on his throat.]
...Well. I wouldn't be a very good teacher if I disagreed with that. The trying is always worthwhile, even if you never reach your destination. Even if you never fully understand. It's what I teach the children, too.
[To keep trying in spite of his own monstrous nature, in spite of how little he feels he understands about Scien more often than not... Would it be such a terrible thing? His emotions are at war as ever, but his hand stays delicately in place.]
Now you're just being ridiculous, though. [Stop offering to learn alongside him for the rest of your life, gayass.]
no subject
[ but my god it would really save them a lot of time if lucas just accepted what scien said automatically—but it really is years and years of brainwashing working against them.
scien understands how far they've come, just for them to be sitting together petting cats and holding hands ]
To give you my time is not temporary or fleeting. I am not such an indecisive person. I like you enough that I want to keep you. I won't leave you to fend off your demons by yourself.
no subject
The sincere words he tends to speak have been too overwhelming for him before, though, and it's a bit like that again. Beneath the complex tangle, there's a little twist of something when he hears I like you enough that I want to keep you. His gaze drops back to the cat on his lap, who's busy enjoying its cat life, snoozing away with a paw up in the air. He reaches out to gently squish the toes before tucking it back down.]
Well. [WELL!!!!!] If you did, I'd still manage. [WOULD HE?????] ...But I suppose I haven't had to, in some time.
[Considering Scien is always fucking there, any time he reaches out. Even now that he's died.]
no subject
[ with an incredibly generous definition of 'survived'. but it is admittedly the most factual statement that scien can offer. lucas is still alive, through his own determination, and keeping nadia alive along with him. he worked hard. ]
I will not brush aside all your efforts of the past two decades. You have worked very hard for yourself, and for Nadia.
But you can do more than manage and survive. I intend for you to live a full life, where your burdens are halved.
[ because scien will take the other half and then some ]
no subject
There's something discomforted in his emotions at that, though. Scien is someone that he does subconsciously feel safe enough with to be vulnerable in front of, but there's still a lot about him that makes it difficult to hear such a direct "I'll help you carry your weight".]
There's no need for that, either, really... [HE CAN DO IT!! (smashcut to lucas falling down 20 more flights of stairs). That said, there's a little flicker of something warm.]
Just this is enough.
[A hand to hold and someone telling him he won't be alone.]
no subject
Then endure it to the best of your ability when the rest comes to you regardless. Warm days spent outside with Nadia. A classroom of your bratty but bright students. A long, healthy life, probably with a cat or two at this rate, and my hand waiting for yours.
[ because scien is a person who is made of greed—so rarely for himself, but so easily for others. he will carry onto this selfishness for lucas until he feels it's safe enough to want on his own.
. . . even if there is a part of him that doesn't hate it. to be told that this—that he—is already enough. ]
no subject
Except he is selfish, and the little thread of longing tugs at his heart when he thinks of this future. A beautiful place, compared to where he is right now, and where he's been in the past. Terrible, after all of the lives he's ended and all the blood he's spilt, but... that selfish flicker of want remains.]
I don't want to hear it while we're both trapped in this strange town. [Is what his RUDE ASS EVENTUALLY SAYS.]
no subject
which is pretty much all scien needs to know ]
Too bad. I need to make preparations for future plans.
I can at least give you a copy of my memory before you leave, so it can be uploaded into the other Scien Brofiise. Then you won't have to be without me.
no subject
It is, however, overtly riled by the direct mention of making copies of memories and uploads and other Reliver nonsense. There's a sharp spike of that violence, but despite it, Lucas's hand remains still and delicate against Scien's.]
One step at a time. We have to leave here first, survive the summoning of a god, handle a cult, and then we can think about returning.
no subject
[ juST NO ]
That is the difference between myself and the Scien Brofiise of your time. I won't let myself be consumed by one specific obsession to the point that I lose sight of the people around me. Progress is being made well enough in the most pressing concerns, so I need to tie up the other loose ends before we leave.
no subject
...Well, regardless of what I say, you'll just do what you please.
[GET OUT OF HIS HOUSE!!! He finally moves to take his hand back, though he doesn't get up to leave.]
no subject
[ just confirms this ]
But for now, cats are enough.
[ so he'll just sit here petting kitty kitties with lucas until something else pulls either of them away. defusing the bomb of his stupid dog's emotions..... successful ]