I think it is just becoming obvious to me I am placing an undue burden on them. And that is the last thing I would like to do in this place, which is already so full of burdens.
he can't lose the sarcasm, that's sort of deeply and pathologically ingrained. but he will try. ]
Each of us - myself, Karlach, and Astarion - has slightly different memories of our time together. We each come from a world in which we are the de facto leader and decision-maker of our merry little band.
I think the idea of having to make a terrible choice of some nature or fashion is easier for me to process than it might be for Karlach. I have come to regret telling her in a sense, so heavy a burden it seems to have placed on her. She has a great many to care for already, and was hit very hard at the beginning of all of this. I cannot-- I will not be the one responsible for breaking her. Not after everything.
At home, I promised Astarion I would help him find someone from his past and stand with him when the time came to face that person. And in making the decision I did, I ... abandoned him, in a sense. I abandoned Shadowheart right as she had decided to strike out on her own away from Shar, and I abandoned Lae'zel as she made steps to forge a new path. I abandoned Wyll to the whims of a devil who will no doubt sink her claws in again in short order. I realized long before this that Mystra's directive was a cruelty she had no right to ask, and still I followed the order, when I should have followed the wishes of those who were actually by my side, who deserved better.
I did not do my duty as leader. And I am ashamed for it. And here I feel I continuously fail in pressing a solution because I am so enraveled in my own wants and desires. That it is much more complicated a decision to live than it is to accept one's death, and yet I seek again the things beyond the veil. Pressing boundaries is the sin I will return to again and again.
I've also recently found out that through magic or illusion, images of our home have come through to maim and maul some of the others here. I cannot help but feel some responsibility for that. I should not have ... I worry too, for Laudna, and that Delilah axe hanging over her head. I suppose I don't know for certain if either the devil from my dreams or hers is very real, and hanging at the edges of this place, waiting for scraps.
[ she listens to all of it, and she doesn't look... pleased, but she is giving off the kind of vibe of someone who is glad that someone listened to you. it was a lot of feelings, gale. ]
I really don't think there is such a thing as a person who is totally, completely selfless, because at one point if you keep choosing others over you, something is going to crack. And I think the people here who are trying so hard to be, are cracking. It's a hard, and uncomfortable, position to be in.
I wish I could say something like, you didn't fail them! You tried so hard, and that's what matters! Or... you know, something peppy and supportive. But I don't know enough about your situation, and your friends, to make any sort of judgment based on the little I know.
[ it feels insensitive, to say she's sure he was an amazing leader, when it's not like she actually knows this. all she has to go by is what's being presented to her now. ]
But I think that you've shown again, and again, that you care about the people around you very deeply. And they care for you, too. So I hope that you will let someone help carry that weight on your shoulders, Gale. It's very heavy for just one person.
[ IT WAS A LOT OF FEELINGS. he seems pretty damn grateful to have the space for it as well, and for not being fed any false-sounding compliments. he probably isn't the best leader - he just is in a certain set of circumstances in a certain world. it isn't the important part. ]
Thank you, Muelsyse. [ he wonders briefly if he's allowed to use her name, but it feels strange in a moment like this to just call her Pestilence. ] I think you are correct, and I hear you.
I would not say I do not have my failings, and my weaknesses, but I would like to try. I think the trying is important.
Astarion is a cat, and thus the best way to deal with him is to understand he can be fairly easily bribed with food and attention, but is picky about the spots he would like to be preened upon and sometimes will attempt to scratch simply to prove he still maintains his independence.
[ hatefully he seems kind of fond when she says. that. yeah. astarion is a mean little bitch. ]
I can swing a quarterstaff in an emergency and I know which end of a knife is the sharp one, but it all seems rather inefficient when one is used to conjuring Walls of Fire and Chain Lightning to deal with threats.
Oh, I've mostly just been bribing him to hang out with me.
[ he DOES react well to treats. ]
... mm, that's true. In general, I am pretty squishy, so I would probably be worse off than you if I had lost my abilities. And I'm not even as strong as I normally am, they actually made our stuff weaker.
[ they also got nerfed... just not as badly as you all... ]
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I think it is just becoming obvious to me I am placing an undue burden on them. And that is the last thing I would like to do in this place, which is already so full of burdens.
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[ she points at him. ]
Let it all out. You can imagine that I am seven feet tall, if it helps.
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You mean-- my feelings?
[ shaken. ]
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[ she crosses her arms and waits. go on. ]
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he can't lose the sarcasm, that's sort of deeply and pathologically ingrained. but he will try. ]
Each of us - myself, Karlach, and Astarion - has slightly different memories of our time together. We each come from a world in which we are the de facto leader and decision-maker of our merry little band.
I think the idea of having to make a terrible choice of some nature or fashion is easier for me to process than it might be for Karlach. I have come to regret telling her in a sense, so heavy a burden it seems to have placed on her. She has a great many to care for already, and was hit very hard at the beginning of all of this. I cannot-- I will not be the one responsible for breaking her. Not after everything.
At home, I promised Astarion I would help him find someone from his past and stand with him when the time came to face that person. And in making the decision I did, I ... abandoned him, in a sense. I abandoned Shadowheart right as she had decided to strike out on her own away from Shar, and I abandoned Lae'zel as she made steps to forge a new path. I abandoned Wyll to the whims of a devil who will no doubt sink her claws in again in short order. I realized long before this that Mystra's directive was a cruelty she had no right to ask, and still I followed the order, when I should have followed the wishes of those who were actually by my side, who deserved better.
I did not do my duty as leader. And I am ashamed for it. And here I feel I continuously fail in pressing a solution because I am so enraveled in my own wants and desires. That it is much more complicated a decision to live than it is to accept one's death, and yet I seek again the things beyond the veil. Pressing boundaries is the sin I will return to again and again.
I've also recently found out that through magic or illusion, images of our home have come through to maim and maul some of the others here. I cannot help but feel some responsibility for that. I should not have ... I worry too, for Laudna, and that Delilah axe hanging over her head. I suppose I don't know for certain if either the devil from my dreams or hers is very real, and hanging at the edges of this place, waiting for scraps.
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I really don't think there is such a thing as a person who is totally, completely selfless, because at one point if you keep choosing others over you, something is going to crack. And I think the people here who are trying so hard to be, are cracking. It's a hard, and uncomfortable, position to be in.
I wish I could say something like, you didn't fail them! You tried so hard, and that's what matters! Or... you know, something peppy and supportive. But I don't know enough about your situation, and your friends, to make any sort of judgment based on the little I know.
[ it feels insensitive, to say she's sure he was an amazing leader, when it's not like she actually knows this. all she has to go by is what's being presented to her now. ]
But I think that you've shown again, and again, that you care about the people around you very deeply. And they care for you, too. So I hope that you will let someone help carry that weight on your shoulders, Gale. It's very heavy for just one person.
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Thank you, Muelsyse. [ he wonders briefly if he's allowed to use her name, but it feels strange in a moment like this to just call her Pestilence. ] I think you are correct, and I hear you.
I would not say I do not have my failings, and my weaknesses, but I would like to try. I think the trying is important.
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[ it's always complicated, usually, but that doesn't make it any easier to handle it. ]
I just do not wish for any of you to be alone.
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[ the thought makes him nervous. ]
Every other group has been hit.
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[ it would make anyone nervous. ]
Whether it's getting afflicted, or being attacked.
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[ he says this frankly and without much emotion. it's just fact. ]
If something should happen to me-- you will look out for them?
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[ she gestures around them. ]
But I will. I like them a lot, even if Astarion is mean to me. [ everyone here is a bitch ] Are you not good at fighting at all?
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[ hatefully he seems kind of fond when she says. that. yeah. astarion is a mean little bitch. ]
I can swing a quarterstaff in an emergency and I know which end of a knife is the sharp one, but it all seems rather inefficient when one is used to conjuring Walls of Fire and Chain Lightning to deal with threats.
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[ he DOES react well to treats. ]
... mm, that's true. In general, I am pretty squishy, so I would probably be worse off than you if I had lost my abilities. And I'm not even as strong as I normally am, they actually made our stuff weaker.
[ they also got nerfed... just not as badly as you all... ]