Are you not the one who instructs the children to think for themselves? To weigh all information, and then carefully come to their conclusions instead of getting swept up in hearsay?
[ so, yes. sort of. it's sort of incorrect. ]
I am not going to pretend that I am a good person. That I am not worthy of some of the scorn you feel—but I also don't believe in turning people into Relivers against their will, or ignoring the practice of basic medicine to abuse my technology. Those idiots who turned you away are no better than the Royals were.
I understand that the notions that you've been fed for the past eight years will make what I'm about to tell you harder to believe, regardless of their veracity.
[ he cants his head to the side, and his eyes focus on lucas. ]
Will you listen? Because I don't care to waste my breath.
[There's a whiplike flash of anger that crosses his face on hearing that, there and gone in a blink. As Scien continues to speak, his expression rests caught somewhere between that ingrained, reflexive disgust and the complex bundle of everything else he can't even begin to untangle just yet.
Even these words are hard to believe. That he's not a good person? Of course. That he's worthy of scorn? More than some, as far as he's concerned. But it's hard to separate the people who would abuse Reliver technology so flagrantly from its creator, especially in his mind.
All the same.]
...I'll listen.
[Curt, but at least not a complete shut-down of conversation. There is perhaps just enough of a seed of doubt and just enough of a weakening of the drug in his system that he can fight against the impulse to end the conversation here and now by putting Scien's head through the ground.]
Then the Claude brat is important to someone that I have become responsible for. [ oh claude one you little freak ] I've also been invested in his... situation for a while already. So I will lend him my aid, after he cried out to me for help, and answer his request.
[ scien fixed mathis once, and he will do it again. however, he has no clue how much lucas knows about that, so he will keep it vague. ]
As for you...
[ this one will feel impossible for lucas to stomach. scien prepares himself to be annoyed, but in the end, it doesn't matter what lucas does or doesn't believe. it does not change his own perspective. ]
You saw it. You called out to me for help, and I took your hand. Since then, I have spent nearly every day of the past three years with you. After healing your sister, I saved you and kept you on as my bodyguard. I do not tell you this with the expectation that you owe me anything. But to me, it is simple.
In another life, you are mine. [ not romantically, not platonically, but some other, menacing and life-altering third thing ] Even if you do not feel any such allegiance to me, I don't care. I respect the you that needed me enough that I will not abandon you now.
[ because scien can count on one hand the number of people who have helped him, who have done anything for him at all. and he always sees his debts through. ]
[Unfortunately Lucas knows too much about it but that kind of works a little in Scien's favor, in the sense that Scien being invested or interested in such a weirdass problem makes... sense. It's a believable thing to hear from him.
THE REST SURE ISN'T, THOUGH!!
He just stares with a sort of blankness, because it really is like PUTTING THE ROUND PEG IN THE SQUARE HOLE IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. Even though he did see it - he saw himself, desperate and reaching out once more, hoping for that hand of salvation yet again - it's hard to believe. Grasping the idea that Scien Brofiise of all people had healed his sister is already hard enough, let alone the notion that they would spend so much time together, that he'd work in his service, that he, too, would be saved.
These extremely fucking banger lines are tragically lost on him, just because he's so shell-shocked to hear them at all.
You chose me once, and I will choose you always.
In another life, you are mine.
But in this life, to whom does he belong? He'd reached out to God and it felt like his prayers had been answered yet again, but with everything he learns and hears, with every newly unblunted emotion he feels, he's watching the painting of a picture so horrific that the mere subconscious thought of it shreds him to pieces.
If he doesn't keep rejecting these truths, there won't be anything left of him.]
...I don't understand. [Quiet, but more distant than the last time he'd said these words to Scien not that long ago.] It doesn't make sense... None of that makes sense. You don't make sense, if what you're saying is true.
[But his logical mind can't piece together a reason for such a bizarre lie.]
Is it that I do not make sense? Or that the truth of who I am does not align with what you've assumed of me?
[ throughout this entire conversation, scien's voice has remained even. it does not matter to him that just moments ago, lucas knocked him into a tree. that one false move can lead to the person who is normally his bodyguard being the one to crush his head in. while scien has enough presence of mind to not intend to die, he lacks any true malice for lucas's resistance to the truth.
it was just easier when he could hire a therapist to do the work of this untangling for him. ]
[A therapist would probably be able to do a better and quicker job of it considering it is what they're trained for but SOMETIMES ALL YOU GOT IS COLD TURKEY DETOX AND A GOD TELLING YOU THAT IN ANOTHER LIFE YOU'RE HIS.]
You don't. [The true Scien Brofiise doesn't align with his assumptions or beliefs at all, but even setting that aside, what sort of person would feel beholden in any way to another version of someone they know, who doesn't carry any of the same emotions or feelings? (He would love any Nadia, on the other hand, but doesn't think to unearth the hypocrisy here.)]
I won't be an asset to you here. [He can't be one, even if he wanted to; he's not in the position for that.] Even assuming you're speaking truthfully about the home you know, I don't understand how it applies to me, especially if our business is finished as soon as we're returned to our own homes.
[It's a care that expects nothing at all of him, and of course he can't believe in that.]
Then thank the version of yourself that has already given himself to me, for he has carried your weight for you.
[ that lucas is annoying in his own way. the one who's always tasked with chasing after scien when he doesn't want to go to meetings, throwing him over his shoulder and forcing him back to his desk. but that lucas also eliminates every threat that comes his way. that lucas puts his life at risk to spare scien's, even though that lucas has so much to live for and this scien couldn't care less about living another year much less sixty.
that is a debt. ]
Do you think memory is so easily rewritten? Do you know for certain that this Claude brat is the one you know? And yet, when you saw him, you knew that he is yours to protect. Even though you know how he feels about Bourreau.
When I see you, it is no different.
[ even though lucas still feels this bloodlust for scien and hasn't fully shaken off his brainwashing. it doesn't change scien's perspective ]
You trusted me with your life and what you held dearest in the world once already, in exchange for placing mine with you. I would not force you to do so again.
[this is going to be so funny when mathis stabs him before he goes out to kill people.
He can't deny that it's true - that he doesn't know with certainty that this Mathis is the same Mathis he knows, which is a startling realization. He'll come to know later when he gets another peek into a memory he's in that he doesn't recall, and he'll know this to be true, then - that he would protect Mathis even knowing this isn't "his" Mathis.
It's so, so difficult for him to imagine the same applying to Scien, though. To think that some distant version of himself he knows nothing about, who had walked a similar and yet divergent path from him, had freely given himself to a being that he struggles to see as anything but the worst demon...
(But if Scien Brofiise is the worst demon, what does that make him?)
Finally, the unsettled feeling that's been growing and overtaking his pulses of violence and kneejerk anger reaches a point that makes it hard to ignore. He eases back another step, the aggression of his posture replaced by something more defensive and self-protective, which is very funny considering he is by far the bigger threat.
Quietly, after a long pause in which he fails to really digest any of this:]
...I will rely on you and work with you here, given the very obvious discrepancy in ability and access between the two of us, but... I don't want your protection. [YOU FOOL.] I recognize you won't care. You've told me you don't care before, over other, similar things, and I don't expect you to change. If Mathis were to say the same to me should he come to learn more, I would still protect him as well. I understand that.
[But he's still going to verbally swat at the hand of god.]
Make your request as you please, if only to satisfy your own ear. I will heed it when I feel like it, but understand this—I already know you. I know you wish to return to your sister. I understand what you've done to keep her safe. I am aware it is destroying you from the inside. I do not condemn you for it.
[ scien's voice, as always, is not gentle. but it is even. assured. steady and stable, against the crashing waves of lucas's own distress.
what is it like, to have the one you call a demon already know so much about your life? your hopes? your dreams? despite everything, scien wouldn't even say that he and his lucas have an especially close relationship... but he knows lucas wants to go back to teaching. he knows that he wants a simple, quiet life with his sister. he knows the lengths lucas will go to in order to reach for that dream.
for so long, he thought that those things had nothing to do with him. (nevermind that he was the one sent lucas to therapy, who healed nadia, who healed lucas.) ]
Take your life into your own hands. And for everything that remains that you cannot accomplish yourself, I will answer your every prayer. Even those that this you finds too selfish to speak aloud.
[the way i was like OH NO LUCAS GETTING BODIED but in reality more than anything he's just reflexively angry over the fact that this DEMON just called himself GOD in front of his SALAD.......
The rest is just-- unnerving. Unsettling, and in more ways than simply who he's being seen by. He's lived nearly his entire life without being seen. He would never have survived so long both as Bourreau and as a violently fragile person if that wasn't the case. He's so very clever in his hiding that he often can't even find himself, and this feels rather like a rock being lifted with all the writhing insects below exposed to the air. He hates it, hates the skin-crawling feeling of it, hates the acknowledgment and hates the acceptance.
Being seen is a terrifying thing, and he can't tell if the kick of agitation he feels is because of that fear, or because of what that fear means. (Or maybe it's possession!)]
You may be his god, but you aren't mine. I have no prayers for you.
[It's hard to imagine any version of himself getting so comfortable with Scien that Scien would just SAY SHIT LIKE THIS AT ALL without any worry of being piledriven into the floor, but at the very least, he can draw a distinct line in the sand.]
I need no help beyond the help that we all need to return home, and for whatever bit I don't have to leave in your hands, I won't. Don't expect anything of me, no matter how well you think you know me.
[The fact that Scien knows Lucas better than Lucas knows Lucas currently, but he looks ready to lash out about this anyway.]
Shut up and take your shower before you get dizzy from your own noxious fumes, Bourreau.
[ in the bnb that scien gave him access to, before he returns to the church and writes in the notebook that scien ordered for him. is it true that any of the npcs could have done this? yeah. it's just a funny, hilarious little cosmic joke that it's been scien ]
[HE IS VERY CLEAN THANK YOU HE WAS TAKING SHOWERS IN THE NICE HAMSTER HOUSES ALL LAST WEEK. Also it's not his fault he ordered his notebook from demons r us without realizing it LISTEN.
A biting little sour part of him almost wants to just leave and go bathe in the stream with the leeches rather than take up Scien on even this smallest of offers, but. He really does. Want a shower. He'd looked for a shower in the new place and found nothing as good as the nice, clean bnb which is why he'd asked to borrow it at all even though he absolutely showered one last time in the beach house just a day prior.
[ and they finally proceed into the bnb, where lucas can now come daily for his little shower routine.
scien knows lucas is wrong. he's entirely aware that he knows the grander picture of what lucas has been through more than lucas. however, he's also not going to argue with someone who still hasn't shaken off the brainwashing, and also has a 50% chance of being monster possessed this week. (he will think on that later, and what that means, and if he is already too late to see through his word. he's always just a little too late.) ]
But he will go take his nice shower thanks very much. Once he's all nice and clean, he'll make his way back out. Is Scien still hanging around or has he gone off to do other Scien things.]
[GOD. Well, he'd been hoping that he could just slip out the door unnoticed, and he kind of pauses for a second because he very insanely considers just escaping out a window instead. He doesn't, but only because he knows he's going to have to see this fucking guy again...
SO OVER HE WALKS, not dripping this time because he has so many articles of clothing thanks to Caelus and assuming they didn't all disappear along with the island, so he doesn't need to wash his one pair of pants in a shower stall... He's braiding his damp hair when he appears, expression carefully neutral.]
I'd rather you stop referring to me directly. [JUST BY ANY NAME. HE SAID I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU CALLING ME LUCAS I DON'T WANT YOU CALLING ME AT ALL.] What is it?
[ tossing a small plastic container over. inside it are a bunch of small pills. scien will at least open the door and incline his head for lucas to join him out in the garden so that they don't need to worry about will and the other overseers listening in ]
[Catching it deftly! i miss the days of being beaned with shit people threw
As he moves to follow Scien out into the garden and away from Will, Some Other Arknight, and Furry Itachi, he'll peer into the container and see all these lil pills. Frowns.]
Your chills, headaches, and spells of weakness that aren't related to your age are a result of a sudden detox. Don't take the fake medicine that Ortie gave you. They're drugs that dull your thinking and will set you back all over again.
You don't have to take the pills, but they will take the edge off when you suffer withdrawals again. It'll only be a temporary reprieve, but I don't have my full lab to work with.
[ and i know you want to keep your detox symptoms you freak but scien wouldn't just let his dog walk around suffering now that he's figured out what the problem is ]
[FINALLY ON THIS WEEK 3 LUCAS LEARNS HE'S GOING THROUGH A DRUG DETOX..........
He's still like (eyes narrow suspiciously) about it though as he recaps the bottle. ...At the same time, he can't deny that he'd explicitly chosen not to take that "medicine" because it makes it so hard to think. It had been tempting, when the emotional turmoil was particularly rough, but... Part of him has always been aware of the fact that it was never anything good.]
...If I ask "why have you made this?", I assume your answer would be more of the same from earlier?
[Some weird sense of obligation or duty to protect that still seems so at odds with the caricature of a demon that exists in his mind.]
[ all of the reasons already stated. because it's inconvenient to talk reason to him when he's mind controlled. because scien prefers a version of him that can make his own choices. because lucas is, and always will be, his. ]
You care so much about being a 'good person'. I still don't care about those things, but you do.
So you ought to look at your choices with clearer eyes, and start rebuilding your journey to be 'good' from there.
[There's a little huff of a sardonic laugh at the mention of him not caring about being a good person. Every piece that aligns with his mental image of Scien is so much easier to accept and understand than the parts that chip away at that image, standing stark and painful against it.
Still, he pockets the bottle after looking at it for a few seconds more.]
Thank you. [Distant, but polite.] If there's nothing else you wish to say, I'll take my leave.
but in the end, none of this has been about convincing lucas one way or another. he was sincere in his simple statement that he expects nothing in return. not lucas's allegiance nor his kindness. his company was enough.
failing that, then his recovery is enough. clearing his head. getting him home.
there is a part of scien that thinks about the fifty percent chance that lucas will be a killer again come thursday, this time agains his will. he knows he will be working even harder this week to find an alternative to the ritual that will not require him to die. (he doesn't know yet that he will fail. he doesn't know that once again, he will fail one of the few times it truly matters.) ]
[It catches him off his guard just as much as anything else Scien's said so far today - another little crack in the myriad of cracks that have begun to form in the support beams of his life.
Scien had said his company was enough, and that he would answer without expecting anything in return. Even now, "be careful" feels like a phrase with no strings attached. Just a simple statement with genuine intent behind it. Something about that makes his heart squeeze painfully, because if he thinks for too long and too hard, he would have to realize that he's never heard those words before. Nadia doesn't know what he does, doesn't have a reason to tell him this. Capucine... is a mess on his own.
Even the first minister, colored in such lovely shades of nostalgia in his mind, had never once told him to take care, sending him out into the night with a dagger, a parting dose of medicine, and towering expectations.
He's quiet for a few long seconds, jaw working a little as his conscious and subconscious mind war against each other. Then, he turns on his heel.]
I won't die without seeing Nadia one last time.
[So of course he'll be careful. Of course he'll take care. He'd already snuffed out a life for the sake of his little sister's health, and he can't let that life languish in vain. Taking it will always weigh on him, but... at the very least, he can still cling to that last hope. That he's finally overcome the biggest trial, and his hands won't have to be bloodied again.
With little more, he'll take his leave. (He'll be back for his fucking showers.)]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ so, yes. sort of. it's sort of incorrect. ]
I am not going to pretend that I am a good person. That I am not worthy of some of the scorn you feel—but I also don't believe in turning people into Relivers against their will, or ignoring the practice of basic medicine to abuse my technology. Those idiots who turned you away are no better than the Royals were.
I understand that the notions that you've been fed for the past eight years will make what I'm about to tell you harder to believe, regardless of their veracity.
[ he cants his head to the side, and his eyes focus on lucas. ]
Will you listen? Because I don't care to waste my breath.
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Even these words are hard to believe. That he's not a good person? Of course. That he's worthy of scorn? More than some, as far as he's concerned. But it's hard to separate the people who would abuse Reliver technology so flagrantly from its creator, especially in his mind.
All the same.]
...I'll listen.
[Curt, but at least not a complete shut-down of conversation. There is perhaps just enough of a seed of doubt and just enough of a weakening of the drug in his system that he can fight against the impulse to end the conversation here and now by putting Scien's head through the ground.]
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[ scien fixed mathis once, and he will do it again. however, he has no clue how much lucas knows about that, so he will keep it vague. ]
As for you...
[ this one will feel impossible for lucas to stomach. scien prepares himself to be annoyed, but in the end, it doesn't matter what lucas does or doesn't believe. it does not change his own perspective. ]
You saw it. You called out to me for help, and I took your hand. Since then, I have spent nearly every day of the past three years with you. After healing your sister, I saved you and kept you on as my bodyguard. I do not tell you this with the expectation that you owe me anything. But to me, it is simple.
In another life, you are mine. [ not romantically, not platonically, but some other, menacing and life-altering third thing ] Even if you do not feel any such allegiance to me, I don't care. I respect the you that needed me enough that I will not abandon you now.
[ because scien can count on one hand the number of people who have helped him, who have done anything for him at all. and he always sees his debts through. ]
You chose me once, and I will choose you always.
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THE REST SURE ISN'T, THOUGH!!
He just stares with a sort of blankness, because it really is like PUTTING THE ROUND PEG IN THE SQUARE HOLE IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. Even though he did see it - he saw himself, desperate and reaching out once more, hoping for that hand of salvation yet again - it's hard to believe. Grasping the idea that Scien Brofiise of all people had healed his sister is already hard enough, let alone the notion that they would spend so much time together, that he'd work in his service, that he, too, would be saved.
These extremely fucking banger lines are tragically lost on him, just because he's so shell-shocked to hear them at all.
You chose me once, and I will choose you always.
In another life, you are mine.
But in this life, to whom does he belong? He'd reached out to God and it felt like his prayers had been answered yet again, but with everything he learns and hears, with every newly unblunted emotion he feels, he's watching the painting of a picture so horrific that the mere subconscious thought of it shreds him to pieces.
If he doesn't keep rejecting these truths, there won't be anything left of him.]
...I don't understand. [Quiet, but more distant than the last time he'd said these words to Scien not that long ago.] It doesn't make sense... None of that makes sense. You don't make sense, if what you're saying is true.
[But his logical mind can't piece together a reason for such a bizarre lie.]
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[ throughout this entire conversation, scien's voice has remained even. it does not matter to him that just moments ago, lucas knocked him into a tree. that one false move can lead to the person who is normally his bodyguard being the one to crush his head in. while scien has enough presence of mind to not intend to die, he lacks any true malice for lucas's resistance to the truth.
it was just easier when he could hire a therapist to do the work of this untangling for him. ]
What is it about me that you struggle to believe?
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You don't. [The true Scien Brofiise doesn't align with his assumptions or beliefs at all, but even setting that aside, what sort of person would feel beholden in any way to another version of someone they know, who doesn't carry any of the same emotions or feelings? (He would love any Nadia, on the other hand, but doesn't think to unearth the hypocrisy here.)]
I won't be an asset to you here. [He can't be one, even if he wanted to; he's not in the position for that.] Even assuming you're speaking truthfully about the home you know, I don't understand how it applies to me, especially if our business is finished as soon as we're returned to our own homes.
[It's a care that expects nothing at all of him, and of course he can't believe in that.]
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[ that lucas is annoying in his own way. the one who's always tasked with chasing after scien when he doesn't want to go to meetings, throwing him over his shoulder and forcing him back to his desk. but that lucas also eliminates every threat that comes his way. that lucas puts his life at risk to spare scien's, even though that lucas has so much to live for and this scien couldn't care less about living another year much less sixty.
that is a debt. ]
Do you think memory is so easily rewritten? Do you know for certain that this Claude brat is the one you know? And yet, when you saw him, you knew that he is yours to protect. Even though you know how he feels about Bourreau.
When I see you, it is no different.
[ even though lucas still feels this bloodlust for scien and hasn't fully shaken off his brainwashing. it doesn't change scien's perspective ]
You trusted me with your life and what you held dearest in the world once already, in exchange for placing mine with you. I would not force you to do so again.
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He can't deny that it's true - that he doesn't know with certainty that this Mathis is the same Mathis he knows, which is a startling realization. He'll come to know later when he gets another peek into a memory he's in that he doesn't recall, and he'll know this to be true, then - that he would protect Mathis even knowing this isn't "his" Mathis.
It's so, so difficult for him to imagine the same applying to Scien, though. To think that some distant version of himself he knows nothing about, who had walked a similar and yet divergent path from him, had freely given himself to a being that he struggles to see as anything but the worst demon...
(But if Scien Brofiise is the worst demon, what does that make him?)
Finally, the unsettled feeling that's been growing and overtaking his pulses of violence and kneejerk anger reaches a point that makes it hard to ignore. He eases back another step, the aggression of his posture replaced by something more defensive and self-protective, which is very funny considering he is by far the bigger threat.
Quietly, after a long pause in which he fails to really digest any of this:]
...I will rely on you and work with you here, given the very obvious discrepancy in ability and access between the two of us, but... I don't want your protection. [YOU FOOL.] I recognize you won't care. You've told me you don't care before, over other, similar things, and I don't expect you to change. If Mathis were to say the same to me should he come to learn more, I would still protect him as well. I understand that.
[But he's still going to verbally swat at the hand of god.]
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[ scien's voice, as always, is not gentle. but it is even. assured. steady and stable, against the crashing waves of lucas's own distress.
what is it like, to have the one you call a demon already know so much about your life? your hopes? your dreams? despite everything, scien wouldn't even say that he and his lucas have an especially close relationship... but he knows lucas wants to go back to teaching. he knows that he wants a simple, quiet life with his sister. he knows the lengths lucas will go to in order to reach for that dream.
for so long, he thought that those things had nothing to do with him. (nevermind that he was the one sent lucas to therapy, who healed nadia, who healed lucas.) ]
Take your life into your own hands. And for everything that remains that you cannot accomplish yourself, I will answer your every prayer. Even those that this you finds too selfish to speak aloud.
That is my own decision, as your god.
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The rest is just-- unnerving. Unsettling, and in more ways than simply who he's being seen by. He's lived nearly his entire life without being seen. He would never have survived so long both as Bourreau and as a violently fragile person if that wasn't the case. He's so very clever in his hiding that he often can't even find himself, and this feels rather like a rock being lifted with all the writhing insects below exposed to the air. He hates it, hates the skin-crawling feeling of it, hates the acknowledgment and hates the acceptance.
Being seen is a terrifying thing, and he can't tell if the kick of agitation he feels is because of that fear, or because of what that fear means. (Or maybe it's possession!)]
You may be his god, but you aren't mine. I have no prayers for you.
[It's hard to imagine any version of himself getting so comfortable with Scien that Scien would just SAY SHIT LIKE THIS AT ALL without any worry of being piledriven into the floor, but at the very least, he can draw a distinct line in the sand.]
I need no help beyond the help that we all need to return home, and for whatever bit I don't have to leave in your hands, I won't. Don't expect anything of me, no matter how well you think you know me.
[The fact that Scien knows Lucas better than Lucas knows Lucas currently, but he looks ready to lash out about this anyway.]
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scien ignores this ]
Shut up and take your shower before you get dizzy from your own noxious fumes, Bourreau.
[ in the bnb that scien gave him access to, before he returns to the church and writes in the notebook that scien ordered for him. is it true that any of the npcs could have done this? yeah. it's just a funny, hilarious little cosmic joke that it's been scien ]
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A biting little sour part of him almost wants to just leave and go bathe in the stream with the leeches rather than take up Scien on even this smallest of offers, but. He really does. Want a shower. He'd looked for a shower in the new place and found nothing as good as the nice, clean bnb which is why he'd asked to borrow it at all even though he absolutely showered one last time in the beach house just a day prior.
AND NOW THIS!!!!!!
...Well, he's nothing if not polite, at least.]
Thank you.
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You're welcome.
[ and they finally proceed into the bnb, where lucas can now come daily for his little shower routine.
scien knows lucas is wrong. he's entirely aware that he knows the grander picture of what lucas has been through more than lucas. however, he's also not going to argue with someone who still hasn't shaken off the brainwashing, and also has a 50% chance of being monster possessed this week. (he will think on that later, and what that means, and if he is already too late to see through his word. he's always just a little too late.) ]
Don't slip this time.
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But he will go take his nice shower thanks very much. Once he's all nice and clean, he'll make his way back out. Is Scien still hanging around or has he gone off to do other Scien things.]
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Come here, Smelly.
[ HE'S NOT EVEN SMELLY ANYMOOOOORE but scien's just toward the front of the bnb, in the entryway living room that i just made up ]
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SO OVER HE WALKS, not dripping this time because he has so many articles of clothing thanks to Caelus and assuming they didn't all disappear along with the island, so he doesn't need to wash his one pair of pants in a shower stall... He's braiding his damp hair when he appears, expression carefully neutral.]
I'd rather you stop referring to me directly. [JUST BY ANY NAME. HE SAID I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU CALLING ME LUCAS I DON'T WANT YOU CALLING ME AT ALL.] What is it?
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[ tossing a small plastic container over. inside it are a bunch of small pills. scien will at least open the door and incline his head for lucas to join him out in the garden so that they don't need to worry about will and the other overseers listening in ]
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As he moves to follow Scien out into the garden and away from Will, Some Other Arknight, and Furry Itachi, he'll peer into the container and see all these lil pills. Frowns.]
What are these...?
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Your chills, headaches, and spells of weakness that aren't related to your age are a result of a sudden detox. Don't take the fake medicine that Ortie gave you. They're drugs that dull your thinking and will set you back all over again.
You don't have to take the pills, but they will take the edge off when you suffer withdrawals again. It'll only be a temporary reprieve, but I don't have my full lab to work with.
[ and i know you want to keep your detox symptoms you freak but scien wouldn't just let his dog walk around suffering now that he's figured out what the problem is ]
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He's still like (eyes narrow suspiciously) about it though as he recaps the bottle. ...At the same time, he can't deny that he'd explicitly chosen not to take that "medicine" because it makes it so hard to think. It had been tempting, when the emotional turmoil was particularly rough, but... Part of him has always been aware of the fact that it was never anything good.]
...If I ask "why have you made this?", I assume your answer would be more of the same from earlier?
[Some weird sense of obligation or duty to protect that still seems so at odds with the caricature of a demon that exists in his mind.]
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[ all of the reasons already stated. because it's inconvenient to talk reason to him when he's mind controlled. because scien prefers a version of him that can make his own choices. because lucas is, and always will be, his. ]
You care so much about being a 'good person'. I still don't care about those things, but you do.
So you ought to look at your choices with clearer eyes, and start rebuilding your journey to be 'good' from there.
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Still, he pockets the bottle after looking at it for a few seconds more.]
Thank you. [Distant, but polite.] If there's nothing else you wish to say, I'll take my leave.
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but in the end, none of this has been about convincing lucas one way or another. he was sincere in his simple statement that he expects nothing in return. not lucas's allegiance nor his kindness. his company was enough.
failing that, then his recovery is enough. clearing his head. getting him home.
there is a part of scien that thinks about the fifty percent chance that lucas will be a killer again come thursday, this time agains his will. he knows he will be working even harder this week to find an alternative to the ritual that will not require him to die. (he doesn't know yet that he will fail. he doesn't know that once again, he will fail one of the few times it truly matters.) ]
... be careful.
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Scien had said his company was enough, and that he would answer without expecting anything in return. Even now, "be careful" feels like a phrase with no strings attached. Just a simple statement with genuine intent behind it. Something about that makes his heart squeeze painfully, because if he thinks for too long and too hard, he would have to realize that he's never heard those words before. Nadia doesn't know what he does, doesn't have a reason to tell him this. Capucine... is a mess on his own.
Even the first minister, colored in such lovely shades of nostalgia in his mind, had never once told him to take care, sending him out into the night with a dagger, a parting dose of medicine, and towering expectations.
He's quiet for a few long seconds, jaw working a little as his conscious and subconscious mind war against each other. Then, he turns on his heel.]
I won't die without seeing Nadia one last time.
[So of course he'll be careful. Of course he'll take care. He'd already snuffed out a life for the sake of his little sister's health, and he can't let that life languish in vain. Taking it will always weigh on him, but... at the very least, he can still cling to that last hope. That he's finally overcome the biggest trial, and his hands won't have to be bloodied again.
With little more, he'll take his leave. (He'll be back for his fucking showers.)]