[ nods at the first part; he will... though it's exhausting even imagining a longer week than this. no getting around that, though. ]
...I don't know. Okay and shitty at the same time, I guess. I think it was probably better that it was me than someone else, but.
[ he rubs his eyes... but then just leaves his hands there for a moment to cover his face. ]
It really sucked. Wish I hadn't fucking caught her on fire.
[ should not have let jesus take the wheel. ]
And there's, like... I don't know. Kind of don't feel like I know who I am anymore. Not because I did this, but... how I felt about it, I guess? And how some of these people see me.
Like a better person than I am in some cases. Which I guess I should be congratulating myself for, because I've been trying to trick people into thinking that for years, but it actually feels pretty bad in these circumstances!
I mean, I've been lying to everyone about my background and my life in general the whole time I've been here because I knew I'd be able to get away with it. Or if not flat-out lying, at least intentionally misleading them with ambiguous phrasing.
Laudna said she didn't want to trust people and risk being betrayed or disappointed, but that she was okay putting her life in my hands, which is just— being selfish and two-faced is like, the core of my character! If people think I'm better than that for some reason, it's way too much pressure!
You know, the first week when we had those like, words and stuff appear on our bodies? That felt like forever ago. One of mine said 'traitor,' and it's because I'm actually a huge liar. You can't really stay in the position I am back home by being honest.
Do you think people might trust me less if they knew that?
[ he thinks about this, and she has a point. but even a lot of that stuff was always kind of performative, with the end goal usually being getting approval and benefiting himself instead of making things better for someone else. ]
I think it's also that they assume my feelings are more similar to theirs than they really are. Which like— again, that's been kind of intentional. I've pretended to be nicer and more positive than I am and to care about some things a lot more than I really do because I wanted them to be willing to protect me and help me instead of thinking I was some shitty sociopath that would be okay to vote out.
...I don't think you really got that from me so much because I wasn't trying to get your approval at the beginning. I mean, I was kind of an asshole, right?
Haha, yeah. [ she does not mind since, again, that is genuinely the most normal reaction to have in this situation. ] But despite that, we still got along in the end!
[ she sets down her watering can. ]
I'm not saying that what you did was morally good, or anything. But the situation here is complicated, and I can't fault you for aiming for survival, when other people made choices that aligned to what they wanted as well, even if it caused the group at large harm. Objectively speaking, Ashlyn would have been the smarter choice to vote for, since she was afflicted longer than Laudna. But people's feelings tend to get in the way of objectivity.
That's why I don't really think your relationship with them is that false. Everyone has ulterior motives and desires. Having bonds with someone is finding a way to connect even with that as an obstacle.
...Yeah. Which comes back around to the other part, because even setting aside how other people feel about me, I don't usually care enough to form any kind of bond stronger than... reused tape, at least when it comes to anything platonic.
So caring about respecting a dead person's wishes, or... god, letting myself get burned to get Laudna out of that fire when I was going to kill her right there and then anyway, is...
...I feel like I'm straying too far from what my character is supposed to be. Which is fine here, I guess, but. I don't know what that's going to mean when I go home.
[ frowns to himself as he debates copping to this, but. he probably needs to. ]
...Okay. So. I realize this probably sounds completely insane, but. I'm a character from an anime. It's a gag anime, so like... most of what we do is for comedy, whether it's just roles we're playing or our actual lives. And that's why we don't really have to worry about consequences. Things mostly just reset for the next episode or sketch.
And the whole premise of the current show is that we're a bunch of 20-something unemployed single losers. It's been... what, eight years since the first season? And any time it looks like any of us might move on from that, it's just a fakeout and we revert to being even worse in the next episode.
I already got kicked out of my family once because they thought I was starting to not be pathetic enough. So it's like— I'm literally not allowed to be a better person.
Well... we did go to some pretty crazy lengths for the sake of getting this fruit we thought was going to magically improve our lives. So... maybe, if I really had something to show for it that they'd want badly enough for themselves.
I know that not everything here has been good. Well... most things haven't been, really. But if any of it has helped push you closer to being the kind of person you wish to be, I think you should hold onto that.
I wouldn't want you to reset, like you haven't learned anything. You've done so many brave, amazing things, and I hope your brothers can see that.
Mmhm. It might be like... even when you tried to change before, you were still stuck in those parameters, right? But now you did all the changing after. Sometimes all it takes is that outside influence.
Although, probably don't tell your brothers about the weird stuff.
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...I don't know. Okay and shitty at the same time, I guess. I think it was probably better that it was me than someone else, but.
[ he rubs his eyes... but then just leaves his hands there for a moment to cover his face. ]
It really sucked. Wish I hadn't fucking caught her on fire.
[ should not have let jesus take the wheel. ]
And there's, like... I don't know. Kind of don't feel like I know who I am anymore. Not because I did this, but... how I felt about it, I guess? And how some of these people see me.
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after a moment, she'll settle on the last thing he brought up. ]
How do you think they see you?
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[ things like thought and emotion share can be so telling. ]
Even if there are bad parts of you, they seem okay with that. We're all a little ugly.
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Laudna said she didn't want to trust people and risk being betrayed or disappointed, but that she was okay putting her life in my hands, which is just— being selfish and two-faced is like, the core of my character! If people think I'm better than that for some reason, it's way too much pressure!
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You know, the first week when we had those like, words and stuff appear on our bodies? That felt like forever ago. One of mine said 'traitor,' and it's because I'm actually a huge liar. You can't really stay in the position I am back home by being honest.
Do you think people might trust me less if they knew that?
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Huh.
[ he does remember feeling some trepidation after seeing that himself, even if he assumed it probably referred to them betraying the cult. ]
Yeah, probably. Or at least they would have back then.
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[ if the positions were reversed, she would also not trust four weirdo people in cult robes going NO IT'S FINE WE'RE COOL CULT MEMBERS ]
But everyone here puts a lot of weight on... experiences shared. Conversations had. It's how they judge how they see you.
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[ he thinks about this, and she has a point. but even a lot of that stuff was always kind of performative, with the end goal usually being getting approval and benefiting himself instead of making things better for someone else. ]
I think it's also that they assume my feelings are more similar to theirs than they really are. Which like— again, that's been kind of intentional. I've pretended to be nicer and more positive than I am and to care about some things a lot more than I really do because I wanted them to be willing to protect me and help me instead of thinking I was some shitty sociopath that would be okay to vote out.
...I don't think you really got that from me so much because I wasn't trying to get your approval at the beginning. I mean, I was kind of an asshole, right?
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[ she sets down her watering can. ]
I'm not saying that what you did was morally good, or anything. But the situation here is complicated, and I can't fault you for aiming for survival, when other people made choices that aligned to what they wanted as well, even if it caused the group at large harm. Objectively speaking, Ashlyn would have been the smarter choice to vote for, since she was afflicted longer than Laudna. But people's feelings tend to get in the way of objectivity.
That's why I don't really think your relationship with them is that false. Everyone has ulterior motives and desires. Having bonds with someone is finding a way to connect even with that as an obstacle.
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So caring about respecting a dead person's wishes, or... god, letting myself get burned to get Laudna out of that fire when I was going to kill her right there and then anyway, is...
...I feel like I'm straying too far from what my character is supposed to be. Which is fine here, I guess, but. I don't know what that's going to mean when I go home.
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[ hmm. it is an interesting situation, if things are meant to work a specific way. ]
How much would development change things, then?
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[ frowns to himself as he debates copping to this, but. he probably needs to. ]
...Okay. So. I realize this probably sounds completely insane, but. I'm a character from an anime. It's a gag anime, so like... most of what we do is for comedy, whether it's just roles we're playing or our actual lives. And that's why we don't really have to worry about consequences. Things mostly just reset for the next episode or sketch.
And the whole premise of the current show is that we're a bunch of 20-something unemployed single losers. It's been... what, eight years since the first season? And any time it looks like any of us might move on from that, it's just a fakeout and we revert to being even worse in the next episode.
I already got kicked out of my family once because they thought I was starting to not be pathetic enough. So it's like— I'm literally not allowed to be a better person.
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it is a little difficult to wrap her head around. the idea of stories and characters isn't, but the idea of someone being aware that they're one? ]
What do you want? Would you prefer for things to always be the same like that, or would you want things to shift?
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[ ... ]
I really don't want to get thrown out again, though. And I don't want to be the one who leaves them in the dust either.
So. I'm not sure what I want. For all of us to be able to move on together, I guess.
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[ from their point of view, it wouldn't really make any sense to want to change the formula. ]
Do you think it might be possible to convince them? Even if it's not some sort of wild, drastic change all at once. Something gradual.
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[ ... ]
Well... we did go to some pretty crazy lengths for the sake of getting this fruit we thought was going to magically improve our lives. So... maybe, if I really had something to show for it that they'd want badly enough for themselves.
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I wouldn't want you to reset, like you haven't learned anything. You've done so many brave, amazing things, and I hope your brothers can see that.
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i feel like his ears are turning a little red as he blushes and it's just making him bleed through his ear bandage faster ]
Haha... You think so?
I'm not sure they'll be that impressed, but... mm. I guess maybe Jyushimatsu-niisan and Karamatsu-niisan would be, at least.
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Mmhm. It might be like... even when you tried to change before, you were still stuck in those parameters, right? But now you did all the changing after. Sometimes all it takes is that outside influence.
Although, probably don't tell your brothers about the weird stuff.
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