[marina has so much confidence in herself. she does wish she was more like that. more like delilah is. more willing to give everything as long as she gets what she wants in the end. it's miserable, to be this weak, to be afraid of something like this. it's not even the pain that she's afraid of. pain doesn't matter that much to her. even dying isn't so bad, as long as it's not forever.
but she doesn't want to hang there. the fear of that sensation feels smothering, like it could tear her to pieces. she doesn't want to go back to that place, to those moments, to those memories.
marina wouldn't be afraid like this.]
If I do this, you have to make certain I win. I want it. I want everything. You have to promise.
I do. I do not want you to lose, Laudna. You winning would mean everything to me.
[ it's said so genuinely. she wants to help you, laudna. why would she lie, when you're in this together? why would she willingly hurt someone who is so close to you?
[she has to trust this person. that's all she can do. if she can't trust this person, then the only person she can rely on is herself, a person who is weak and useless and doesn't know what to do or how to win.
black smudgy tears are still wetting her cheeks, and she trembles as she stands up, as much from the pain and blood loss as from fear. it takes a lot of effort to stand. to take each step, one by one, closer to the chair, to the noose. her head is swimming, it feels light, she wobbles like she might faint. it's like each motion her body makes towards this, she has to convince it one muscle at a time, manipulating herself like she would a puppet to do something it's resisting.
but she manages to climb up onto the chair, her hands gripping the back of it shaking it so badly it rattles back and forth. and she stands up and adjusts her hair so the strands of her updo won't get caught in the rope, and takes off her necklace so it won't rub uncomfortably against the rough fiber. she didn't have to do this part last time. she only had to get herself down after. but it's easy, now that she's here and it's tactile in her hands, to just think of it as a performance, as getting ready, as organizing and putting things in their place. she pulls the noose over her neck.
now all she needs is the chair out of the way. just one last step. she opens her eyes, her vision still blurry, and looks out at the crowd and forces a big, awkward, teary smile.
please, will this be good enough? will this be enough? please, let it be?]
she didn't want this. she didn't want to do this anymore. she pictures imogen with tears in her eyes. "i love you," she said, but then she said "i just don't know what to do with it." because of her. because of delilah.
she thinks about kate, so careful in the way she expresses things, gently asking why she listened. kate, admitting that she wanted to live and her own voice telling her she was allowed to. yuffie, so much less gentle, telling her - i don't think delilah is a good person to listen to. gale, not once leaving the issue alone, making them hold hands and decide for good together to be brave.
all of her friends, worried for her, not just because of the terrible things delilah was asking her to do to win, but worried because of what delilah might do to her.
and she'd decided... she'd decided not to listen to her anymore. but every single time, ever time she's ever resolved to stop, resolved to do better, resolved to be brave, she's failed. how many failures will it take before everyone else gives up on her the way she's given up on herself?
the noose tightens and whatever steadiness remained beneath her feet gives way into a void of nothing. it isn't quick. her neck is already broken from the first time, so the quick snap won't do it. she doesn't breath, so the lack of breath doesn't take her consciousness away. the rope tightens and she chokes and suffocates until whatever spark does animate her is gone.]
[ and as she struggles against the rope and with the knowledge that she, once again, could not make a single decision for herself, she will hear the applause from the crowd.
they love her. they love her weak spine, and how much she is willing to sacrifice to get the crown. she's an inspiration to all, to show that anyone, no matter how patethic, can be praised. she is a star. she is amazing.
the flowers are placed under her feet. the crown put haphazardly on top of her head. ]
[the crown sort of slides off to the side, given the tilt her neck is hanging at. black tears run down her cheeks. they do love her. as long as she's obedient, as long as she's dead, they love her.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
but she doesn't want to hang there. the fear of that sensation feels smothering, like it could tear her to pieces. she doesn't want to go back to that place, to those moments, to those memories.
marina wouldn't be afraid like this.]
If I do this, you have to make certain I win. I want it. I want everything. You have to promise.
no subject
[ it's said so genuinely. she wants to help you, laudna. why would she lie, when you're in this together? why would she willingly hurt someone who is so close to you?
the noose continues to hang out. ]
You'll be fine. It's only for show.
no subject
[she has to trust this person. that's all she can do. if she can't trust this person, then the only person she can rely on is herself, a person who is weak and useless and doesn't know what to do or how to win.
black smudgy tears are still wetting her cheeks, and she trembles as she stands up, as much from the pain and blood loss as from fear. it takes a lot of effort to stand. to take each step, one by one, closer to the chair, to the noose. her head is swimming, it feels light, she wobbles like she might faint. it's like each motion her body makes towards this, she has to convince it one muscle at a time, manipulating herself like she would a puppet to do something it's resisting.
but she manages to climb up onto the chair, her hands gripping the back of it shaking it so badly it rattles back and forth. and she stands up and adjusts her hair so the strands of her updo won't get caught in the rope, and takes off her necklace so it won't rub uncomfortably against the rough fiber. she didn't have to do this part last time. she only had to get herself down after. but it's easy, now that she's here and it's tactile in her hands, to just think of it as a performance, as getting ready, as organizing and putting things in their place. she pulls the noose over her neck.
now all she needs is the chair out of the way. just one last step. she opens her eyes, her vision still blurry, and looks out at the crowd and forces a big, awkward, teary smile.
please, will this be good enough? will this be enough? please, let it be?]
no subject
[ it's not delilah voice this time, but imogen's. it's kate's. it's her own voice. it's anyone but the voice that told her to step on here.
and then something knocks the chair out from under her feet. ]
cw: suicide
she didn't want this. she didn't want to do this anymore. she pictures imogen with tears in her eyes. "i love you," she said, but then she said "i just don't know what to do with it." because of her. because of delilah.
she thinks about kate, so careful in the way she expresses things, gently asking why she listened. kate, admitting that she wanted to live and her own voice telling her she was allowed to. yuffie, so much less gentle, telling her - i don't think delilah is a good person to listen to. gale, not once leaving the issue alone, making them hold hands and decide for good together to be brave.
all of her friends, worried for her, not just because of the terrible things delilah was asking her to do to win, but worried because of what delilah might do to her.
and she'd decided... she'd decided not to listen to her anymore. but every single time, ever time she's ever resolved to stop, resolved to do better, resolved to be brave, she's failed. how many failures will it take before everyone else gives up on her the way she's given up on herself?
the noose tightens and whatever steadiness remained beneath her feet gives way into a void of nothing. it isn't quick. her neck is already broken from the first time, so the quick snap won't do it. she doesn't breath, so the lack of breath doesn't take her consciousness away. the rope tightens and she chokes and suffocates until whatever spark does animate her is gone.]
cw: suicide
they love her. they love her weak spine, and how much she is willing to sacrifice to get the crown. she's an inspiration to all, to show that anyone, no matter how patethic, can be praised. she is a star. she is amazing.
the flowers are placed under her feet. the crown put haphazardly on top of her head. ]
Congratulations, Laudna. You did it! You won.
cw: suicide
she's so happy!]