[NOT THE NOSTALGIA OVER THIS IDIOTASS NONSENSE. He refuses to address those brainmouth thoughts. Not today satan.
Instead, he just focuses on the rest. Scien had mentioned the tests before, he remembers that, but it still grates against the lies he's been fed for so long that it just leaves him feeling discomforted and surprised every time. It's a bit like seeing Nehan turn up dead and realizing "oh, they're serious about this" when the other three stuck around to continue helping.]
How often do you have to take medication for the pain of it...? Will you fix it after you're done here?
[I HAVE NO QUESTIONS says Lucas who keeps finding things to ask about.]
[Gazing at him... like he wants to hit him with a brick but with more violent intent than the "hits with a brick" energy that the himself of 3 years in the future has.]
I see.
[JUST "I SEE". THERE IS SO MUCH CURT IRRITATION IN THESE TWO WORDS.]
[STILL CURTLY BECAUSE NOW HE'S ANNOYED THAT SCIEN'S LAUGHING. His natural fussy caring personality is truly at war with how badly he constantly wants to hit Scien with a brick (murder flavor this time).]
If you're only taking supplements and pain medication, it shouldn't be any extra strain to just make and take both, surely.
[ lucas is so funny.... scien raises a brow at the no, but unfortunately his expression just softens out into something unfortunately kind of fond. lucas is soooo mad at him but as he keeps talking, scien lets things click and once again he truly adores his stupid lost dog who is kind even when he's irritable with the devil ]
... it is never about strain. [ he can make any of the things he needs with minimal effort because he is a genius unfortunately ] It is only about time.
[DON'T LOOK AT HIM FONDLY. He averts his gaze, folding his hands together so he can just squeeze them any time he feels the surge of fckin brick-smacking irritation grow stronger.]
Everyone is short on time. [Said like a near-petulant mumble. But he doesn't want to press any further, because it truly does set his natural fussy personality too at odds with his riled Harm Desire which is always worse when he's in a sour mood.]
[He'd already been looking generally displeased, but he just frowns even further. There it is again!! The reminder that Scien is not a horrible demon hellbent on throwing everyone else into ruin!! Always thinking about how to save others first!!
He laces his fingers together and squeezes them, idly considering cutting the visit short to go back to his room.]
Do as you will. It's no business of mine.
[As the little tiny normal Lucas voice underneath 8 years of brainwashing thinks: People shouldn't have to be in pain.]
yeah he hears that, and he sees the discomfort. scien knows that this point, he is pressing on that brainwashing until it is sore. lucas came here without the sad kicked puppy energy of their previous meeting, but scien isn't surprised. it's a second, unnecessary visit—and as glad as he is to see lucas, he can only imagine the mental strain that he must be wrestling with to be here. and there is very little that scien can do to relieve it.
but he's still here.
and he's still fussing in this nostalgic way, worrying over someone that he would still call the devil, even if it's not so directly.
it paints a picture, and scien sees the opportunity for what it is.
in the words that i'm sure le salut lucas wanted to hear so much sooner: ]
I will do it if you request it with your own words, spoken not thought. You've dealt with me being in charge of your medication, so I've decided I'll have you in charge of mine as a show of trust. You can also tell me to stop taking them entirely. I won't take another dose until you give me an answer.
[ in case lucas will choose this moment to just get up and walk away to avoid saying anything at all ]
This time, I'll place my fate in your hands.
[ lucas gets to decide whether or not scien brofiise suffers horrifically or alleviates his own pain. what a fun little detox test ]
[SCIEN REALLY JUST SCIENS ABOUT IT. EVERY TIME!!!!! Except the difference is, this Lucas is nowhere near as well adjusted and he is bound to fail this detox test, even though it is such a simple one about fckin vitamins and painkillers.
He listens to Scien speak, expression first placid, then confused, then shocked. Here is a man who has placed the choice to harm or help into his hands, and it ignites a flurry of half-finished and loosely formed thoughts, even as he's already halfway standing again because he was absolutely going to get up and walk away to avoid answering.
Lucas can't even look at him for a moment, but when he does, there is something so frigidly angry in his eyes. In the midst of the loud chaos of his mind, there's a quiet, simple: Why? Why is Scien doing this to him? For fun? To make him confront his own monstrous nature again? To show him just how deep the rot goes? They're furious assumptions that go against everything Scien has shown himself to be, but Lucas is not a rational thinker when he's HAVING MOMENTS and his ENTIRE LIFE FOR 2+ WEEKS HAS JUST BEEN ONE LONG MOMENT and this is a TERRIBLE MOMENT IN PARTICULAR.
This simple statement riles something all the way down to the cradle of him, a sickness at odds with how he naturally is and who he wants to be. Lucas Proust would not wish misery on another person, but he's being made to face this horrible thing that delights in the notion of sentencing Scien to harm like some sharp-toothed fox. It laughs with cuspids bared, thinking is the pain terrible? is it unbearable? suffer. suffer. suffer. and that, too, is just his own sinner's soul.
Softly:] ...Is it? Is that what this is...? A show of trust?
[ he watches the anger flare up, and he's not surprised. there is no answering fury, not when he's mocked or the way that lucas's thoughts tell him to suffer. admittedly there was a reason why he was waiting for an active verbal choice rather than whatever his thoughts were going to tell him because it sure seems like a mess in there.
his voice is calm, measured, and patient. ]
I don't care how much you hurt me. I know that you care about the safety and well-being about other people.
... but it's been eight years of being told that Relivers are demons, and that I am the worst of them all. If physical symptoms have been addressed, then we need to next discuss mental blocks. [ a beat ] This is one of them. So an equal exchange sounds fine, since you have been forced into a detox.
But I want to be clear about something, even though I think right now you are too angry to properly absorb it.
I think you are a kind person. I think the core of you wants to help. When you didn't know who I was, masked and unfamiliar, you kept asking after me. Even now, when the thoughts planted in your head tell you that I'm a villain, you ask after my health and comfort. You are here, with me, even though it actively causes you discomfort mentally. To everyone else here who is certainly not a Reliver—you are patient and considerate. These are factual pieces of evidence that run counter to whatever violent urge rests in you.
But I don't hate the part of you that's angry and sharp, because you've been hurt and manipulated to the point that even the idea of being given choice makes you so activated. [ when he has to confront whether he'd actually hurt scien himself, or if he has to untangle the thoughts in his head that whisper to him it's a good idea ] These impulses are vivid, and perhaps there are parts of you that are intermingled with them because it is not a surprise to hold anger toward a cruel world.
But you are not defined by your worst thoughts, no matter how much they might be flaring up right now.
[THE WAY THIS IS ALSO JUST A SATURDAY FOR SCIEN AND IT'S THE WORST TIME LUCAS HAS HAD IN A WEEK.
Well. He's right in saying that Lucas can't properly absorb anything. This simple act of putting this choice between helping or harming into his hands is enough to shred his shaky stability like wet tissue paper. He's on his feet again and it's a good thing that Scien is just a hologram, because there's the distant chant of a voice that is and isn't his own, a soft kill, kill, kill, kill that urges him to take this man's life, even though he quite literally can't.
So really, given that, is he a kind person? Is kindness what's at his core? He wants to be these things - patient and considerate and good, but is he? His hands are so bloody and he thought he never wanted to shed blood again, but here he is, palms itching with violent intent. It's funny; not unlike a form of possession, where he is both innocent host and vile monster, and the core of him chokes out I don't want to hurt anyone, but his thoughts and his heart are such a tangle that the words barely survive.]
Stop talking. [Sharp, biting. He can't tell where his own hurt anger ends and where the bloodthirst that is or isn't his begins, and he doesn't want to hear any of these painful words from a man who knows him far too well. Lashing out is easy. He speaks more as Bourreau than Lucas Proust, but the two are one in the same, aren't they?]
If you leave it in my hands, then I leave you to suffer. If you're waiting on my spoken word, then I'll say it clearly: don't take them. Carry on as you have been. Not even great pain would stop you, isn't that so? Does it even bother you? Can you really feel it? It hardly matters, anyway.
[At which point he just turns on his heel like he's going to leave. BITCHASS HOLOGRAM.]
Wait, Lucas. At least hear the results of your choice.
[ a voice that carries the confidence of a god, even one that's been forsaken. he doesn't raise his voice, and he doesn't sound angry even as he's been told that he should be left to suffer by the same person that he's made every effort to save. that he would choose to save, no matter what. scien will also move to stand, even if he doesn't follow ]
For forty-eight hours, I won't take them to honor your decision. The effects of what I just took should fade entirely in half that time. [ and honestly if he forgets after, that's on him. scien has gone longer without his meds, but he wants to honor that little voice that said he doesn't want to hurt ] But when you've had time, and your mind clears, you can come back at any moment if you decide to change your answer. I don't care if it's in five minutes or five hours.
No one's dying. You have the ability to change your mind if you do something that you regret. [ because scien has a feeling that lucas will regret this. but before, people forced him into things. threatened him. made him hurt others and he couldn't fight back or change his mind. if he feels like lashing out at scien for this long, so be it. but if he doesn't, he has the power to stop ]
... I don't mind if you don't. To make up for what I encouraged you to do when cursed, I should suffer at least this much. It makes sense that you would seek to lash out and make things even.
[ so scien accepts it without irritation, when he's the one who forced lucas to make a sacrifice and cold turkey detox without his meds for a week before nehan got to him ]
But you should know that it hurts. That Relivers feel pain. That for me, every breath will make living unbearable even if I try to ignore it. You are not the only one skilled at adapting. I'm not angry with you, but I won't let you run away from reality either.
[He does stop when his name is called out, if nothing else. The voice of a god will always give pause to a believer, after all, even in the midst of lashing out with sharp teeth and claws.
But he doesn't say anything, and he doesn't turn back around. He listens, but it's hard to tell how much of what he hears actually sinks in in the moment. SCIEN REALLY GAVE HIM ONE TOUGH CHALLENGE AND HIS BRAIN IMMEDIATELY BECAME SCRAMBLED EGGS.
In any case, it ends with "I won't let you run away from reality", and with Lucas standing still for a few seconds longer before he does take his leave, saying nothing else, not bothering to look back. GUOBA GUOBA GOOBY UNTIL EITHER SUNDAY OR MONDAY it's late enough on Saturday that he will not get over his brain scramblies and fury in time to come jingle jestering back in just a few hours. What a time to be alive.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Instead, he just focuses on the rest. Scien had mentioned the tests before, he remembers that, but it still grates against the lies he's been fed for so long that it just leaves him feeling discomforted and surprised every time. It's a bit like seeing Nehan turn up dead and realizing "oh, they're serious about this" when the other three stuck around to continue helping.]
How often do you have to take medication for the pain of it...? Will you fix it after you're done here?
[I HAVE NO QUESTIONS says Lucas who keeps finding things to ask about.]
no subject
a long pause ]
.... If I were my own patient, I would tell myself to take it daily.
[ but
he's not his own patient and he doesn't have to listen to any doctor
so ]
Maybe I will...
[ HE'S SO NONCOMMITTAL HE DOESN'T CARE THAT MUCH ]
no subject
I see.
[JUST "I SEE". THERE IS SO MUCH CURT IRRITATION IN THESE TWO WORDS.]
no subject
If you're going to be so bad at hiding that you're annoyed, at least say why....
no subject
[HELP. Anyway he just moves on.]
Do you take anything beyond supplements and medication for pain?
no subject
HE LAUGHS. he's not mad at all lucas is so valid ]
While this is true, I would like to hear your reasoning. Did you want to hear a different answer from me?
[ about his pain medications.... ]
At the moment, no. Nadia's treatment plan is all just physical therapy from here, so I don't have any new medications.
no subject
[STILL CURTLY BECAUSE NOW HE'S ANNOYED THAT SCIEN'S LAUGHING. His natural fussy caring personality is truly at war with how badly he constantly wants to hit Scien with a brick (murder flavor this time).]
If you're only taking supplements and pain medication, it shouldn't be any extra strain to just make and take both, surely.
no subject
... it is never about strain. [ he can make any of the things he needs with minimal effort because he is a genius unfortunately ] It is only about time.
no subject
Everyone is short on time. [Said like a near-petulant mumble. But he doesn't want to press any further, because it truly does set his natural fussy personality too at odds with his riled Harm Desire which is always worse when he's in a sour mood.]
But I suppose it doesn't matter.
no subject
what his mouth says: ] It does matter.
[ a beat, followed by a tilt of his head ]
Are you asking me to more regularly take my medicine and supplements?
no subject
He laces his fingers together and squeezes them, idly considering cutting the visit short to go back to his room.]
Do as you will. It's no business of mine.
[As the little tiny normal Lucas voice underneath 8 years of brainwashing thinks: People shouldn't have to be in pain.]
no subject
yeah he hears that, and he sees the discomfort. scien knows that this point, he is pressing on that brainwashing until it is sore. lucas came here without the sad kicked puppy energy of their previous meeting, but scien isn't surprised. it's a second, unnecessary visit—and as glad as he is to see lucas, he can only imagine the mental strain that he must be wrestling with to be here. and there is very little that scien can do to relieve it.
but he's still here.
and he's still fussing in this nostalgic way, worrying over someone that he would still call the devil, even if it's not so directly.
it paints a picture, and scien sees the opportunity for what it is.
in the words that i'm sure le salut lucas wanted to hear so much sooner: ]
I will do it if you request it with your own words, spoken not thought. You've dealt with me being in charge of your medication, so I've decided I'll have you in charge of mine as a show of trust. You can also tell me to stop taking them entirely. I won't take another dose until you give me an answer.
[ in case lucas will choose this moment to just get up and walk away to avoid saying anything at all ]
This time, I'll place my fate in your hands.
[ lucas gets to decide whether or not scien brofiise suffers horrifically or alleviates his own pain. what a fun little detox test ]
no subject
He listens to Scien speak, expression first placid, then confused, then shocked. Here is a man who has placed the choice to harm or help into his hands, and it ignites a flurry of half-finished and loosely formed thoughts, even as he's already halfway standing again because he was absolutely going to get up and walk away to avoid answering.
Lucas can't even look at him for a moment, but when he does, there is something so frigidly angry in his eyes. In the midst of the loud chaos of his mind, there's a quiet, simple: Why? Why is Scien doing this to him? For fun? To make him confront his own monstrous nature again? To show him just how deep the rot goes? They're furious assumptions that go against everything Scien has shown himself to be, but Lucas is not a rational thinker when he's HAVING MOMENTS and his ENTIRE LIFE FOR 2+ WEEKS HAS JUST BEEN ONE LONG MOMENT and this is a TERRIBLE MOMENT IN PARTICULAR.
This simple statement riles something all the way down to the cradle of him, a sickness at odds with how he naturally is and who he wants to be. Lucas Proust would not wish misery on another person, but he's being made to face this horrible thing that delights in the notion of sentencing Scien to harm like some sharp-toothed fox. It laughs with cuspids bared, thinking is the pain terrible? is it unbearable? suffer. suffer. suffer. and that, too, is just his own sinner's soul.
Softly:] ...Is it? Is that what this is...? A show of trust?
[GET OVER ON THIS SIDE SO HE CAN KILL YOU.]
no subject
[ he watches the anger flare up, and he's not surprised. there is no answering fury, not when he's mocked or the way that lucas's thoughts tell him to suffer. admittedly there was a reason why he was waiting for an active verbal choice rather than whatever his thoughts were going to tell him because it sure seems like a mess in there.
his voice is calm, measured, and patient. ]
I don't care how much you hurt me. I know that you care about the safety and well-being about other people.
... but it's been eight years of being told that Relivers are demons, and that I am the worst of them all. If physical symptoms have been addressed, then we need to next discuss mental blocks. [ a beat ] This is one of them. So an equal exchange sounds fine, since you have been forced into a detox.
But I want to be clear about something, even though I think right now you are too angry to properly absorb it.
I think you are a kind person. I think the core of you wants to help. When you didn't know who I was, masked and unfamiliar, you kept asking after me. Even now, when the thoughts planted in your head tell you that I'm a villain, you ask after my health and comfort. You are here, with me, even though it actively causes you discomfort mentally. To everyone else here who is certainly not a Reliver—you are patient and considerate. These are factual pieces of evidence that run counter to whatever violent urge rests in you.
But I don't hate the part of you that's angry and sharp, because you've been hurt and manipulated to the point that even the idea of being given choice makes you so activated. [ when he has to confront whether he'd actually hurt scien himself, or if he has to untangle the thoughts in his head that whisper to him it's a good idea ] These impulses are vivid, and perhaps there are parts of you that are intermingled with them because it is not a surprise to hold anger toward a cruel world.
But you are not defined by your worst thoughts, no matter how much they might be flaring up right now.
no subject
Well. He's right in saying that Lucas can't properly absorb anything. This simple act of putting this choice between helping or harming into his hands is enough to shred his shaky stability like wet tissue paper. He's on his feet again and it's a good thing that Scien is just a hologram, because there's the distant chant of a voice that is and isn't his own, a soft kill, kill, kill, kill that urges him to take this man's life, even though he quite literally can't.
So really, given that, is he a kind person? Is kindness what's at his core? He wants to be these things - patient and considerate and good, but is he? His hands are so bloody and he thought he never wanted to shed blood again, but here he is, palms itching with violent intent. It's funny; not unlike a form of possession, where he is both innocent host and vile monster, and the core of him chokes out I don't want to hurt anyone, but his thoughts and his heart are such a tangle that the words barely survive.]
Stop talking. [Sharp, biting. He can't tell where his own hurt anger ends and where the bloodthirst that is or isn't his begins, and he doesn't want to hear any of these painful words from a man who knows him far too well. Lashing out is easy. He speaks more as Bourreau than Lucas Proust, but the two are one in the same, aren't they?]
If you leave it in my hands, then I leave you to suffer. If you're waiting on my spoken word, then I'll say it clearly: don't take them. Carry on as you have been. Not even great pain would stop you, isn't that so? Does it even bother you? Can you really feel it? It hardly matters, anyway.
[At which point he just turns on his heel like he's going to leave. BITCHASS HOLOGRAM.]
no subject
[ a voice that carries the confidence of a god, even one that's been forsaken. he doesn't raise his voice, and he doesn't sound angry even as he's been told that he should be left to suffer by the same person that he's made every effort to save. that he would choose to save, no matter what. scien will also move to stand, even if he doesn't follow ]
For forty-eight hours, I won't take them to honor your decision. The effects of what I just took should fade entirely in half that time. [ and honestly if he forgets after, that's on him. scien has gone longer without his meds, but he wants to honor that little voice that said he doesn't want to hurt ] But when you've had time, and your mind clears, you can come back at any moment if you decide to change your answer. I don't care if it's in five minutes or five hours.
No one's dying. You have the ability to change your mind if you do something that you regret. [ because scien has a feeling that lucas will regret this. but before, people forced him into things. threatened him. made him hurt others and he couldn't fight back or change his mind. if he feels like lashing out at scien for this long, so be it. but if he doesn't, he has the power to stop ]
... I don't mind if you don't. To make up for what I encouraged you to do when cursed, I should suffer at least this much. It makes sense that you would seek to lash out and make things even.
[ so scien accepts it without irritation, when he's the one who forced lucas to make a sacrifice and cold turkey detox without his meds for a week before nehan got to him ]
But you should know that it hurts. That Relivers feel pain. That for me, every breath will make living unbearable even if I try to ignore it. You are not the only one skilled at adapting. I'm not angry with you, but I won't let you run away from reality either.
no subject
But he doesn't say anything, and he doesn't turn back around. He listens, but it's hard to tell how much of what he hears actually sinks in in the moment. SCIEN REALLY GAVE HIM ONE TOUGH CHALLENGE AND HIS BRAIN IMMEDIATELY BECAME SCRAMBLED EGGS.
In any case, it ends with "I won't let you run away from reality", and with Lucas standing still for a few seconds longer before he does take his leave, saying nothing else, not bothering to look back. GUOBA GUOBA GOOBY UNTIL EITHER SUNDAY OR MONDAY it's late enough on Saturday that he will not get over his brain scramblies and fury in time to come jingle jestering back in just a few hours. What a time to be alive.]