[ STOP IT'S NOT ON PURPOSE except for scien it's on purpose ]
If you haven't used them yet, try one soon. If you are already relying on me for your recovery, consider this a small first step.
[ it'll also put lucas into a deeper sleep so he doesn't have to face all his thoughts right away but scien is like 'if i say that out loud, he might not want to do it because he's so contradictory right now' ]
Otherwise, you need to be clean. Ortie's drugs are the work of an amateur, but they'll still set you back if you relapse.
Scien really does know him too fucking well though this is a nightmare. He really wouldn't want to take them if they'd help him sleep because he's a very contradictory existence right now, wanting to sleep for 100 years and also repent for 100 years. He still doesn't really want to take them, just because he doesn't want to do anything or be anything or think about anything right now. Life is so much easier when you don't have to think!
There is a sharp strike of guilt through him at the mention of the Minister - Capucine - Ortie's medicine-- drugs, too. A thing that he knows would set him back, that would hurt him, that he doesn't even deserve because penance is about being crushed by the full weight of your wrongs, but he'd still considered it. Heavily, heavily. Is still considering it.
He shrinks away from the hole a little.]
...I'll try one. [Softly, quietly.] I won't take the other.
[ the way that normally scien would tell lucas and nadia about everything that goes into their bodies because he wants to be better than ortie who would just randomly drug them both—but at this point, scien would take the option of a lie by omission than have his dog suffer any more. god's arrogance of deciding that he knows best.
he's not sure how much he fully believes that lucas will keep his word and refrain from taking his drugs. he mentally runs calculations in his head of if he has the materials needed to counteract the drug, just in case. however, just to apply some pressure on the emotional wound—the healing alongside the pain: ]
... this is your final trial. You've cured her, and now just need to let yourself be cured.
Then you will have the rest of your life to come to terms with what you've done.
[ it is the carrot and the stick.
to give lucas the option of a future to selfishly keep living, even though he's taken so many lives. just for the sake of taking care of his sister, who does still desperately need him. and to simultaneously acknowledge that it doesn't erase the damage of his sins. if he lives a long life, then he will have that much longer to face penance before giving in to hades.
(scien does think it will get better. when the catholic guilt subsides, because no human is capable of feeling such an extreme emotion forever and needs to eventually return to homeostasis. when lucas remembers how much he loves teaching, and how ecstatic he'll be when nadia is able to take her first steps into the sunlight without worry. scien just doesn't mention it because lucas doesn't want salvation right now; even though scien is already thinking of how to orchestrate it in the background.) ]
[HE DOESN'T WANNA BE CURED!!!!! Except he does, in that he still wants to return to Nadia, but truly everything in this moment just aches so badly that it's hard to believe in a future where it doesn't hurt with the same level of pain as it does in this moment. He hasn't lived to a point where his past is three years behind him, to a point where he can still acknowledge the sins he's committed but also live his life with a balance of penance and joy.
Right now, it just feels like it'll be this way forever. Every day having to face the fact that he's a horrible, evil person and a killer who has taken so many lives and futures from others, every day forcing himself forward through a mire of exhaustion and misery and having to remind himself that it's the very least he deserves for everything he's done. For Nadia, he'll suffer any agony - but it's a heavy weight.
[ scien thinks briefly of the first time they met. a deal to save nadia's life, in exchange for scien not being made into putty on the floor. they didn't have much time, as badly drugged as lucas was. it was only over time afterward did they make any real progress in healing, after lucas wandered off to detox on his own, after scien declared himself his new master, after the country's population was cut down by a sizable fraction and yet nonetheless still saved. ]
... for today.
[ he's an impatient person. he wants lucas to wake up and get over his trauma already, but he also knows that exhaustion and despair will make it hard for anything to permeate.
so he'll let go. for today. ]
Come back to me when your head is clearer. Go find what rest you can.
[It's true nothing's sinking into this asshole's brain right now. He will NOT wake up and get over his trauma, he will instead go sit in the terrible room that i gave him for hours and hours on end thinking about penance and also occasionally the drugs he misses.
But for now, he'll just take another step away from hole.]
...Goodbye.
[Just because it'd feel strange to just leave without saying anything when he can't be seen. THAT'S JUST IT THAT'S ALL HE SAYS AND THEN HE JUST BOUNCES.]
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[STOP TRYING TO TAKE AWAY ALL OF MY SHIT THAT I CAN KILL HIM WITH]
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If you haven't used them yet, try one soon. If you are already relying on me for your recovery, consider this a small first step.
[ it'll also put lucas into a deeper sleep so he doesn't have to face all his thoughts right away but scien is like 'if i say that out loud, he might not want to do it because he's so contradictory right now' ]
Otherwise, you need to be clean. Ortie's drugs are the work of an amateur, but they'll still set you back if you relapse.
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Scien really does know him too fucking well though this is a nightmare. He really wouldn't want to take them if they'd help him sleep because he's a very contradictory existence right now, wanting to sleep for 100 years and also repent for 100 years. He still doesn't really want to take them, just because he doesn't want to do anything or be anything or think about anything right now. Life is so much easier when you don't have to think!
There is a sharp strike of guilt through him at the mention of the Minister - Capucine - Ortie's medicine-- drugs, too. A thing that he knows would set him back, that would hurt him, that he doesn't even deserve because penance is about being crushed by the full weight of your wrongs, but he'd still considered it. Heavily, heavily. Is still considering it.
He shrinks away from the hole a little.]
...I'll try one. [Softly, quietly.] I won't take the other.
no subject
he's not sure how much he fully believes that lucas will keep his word and refrain from taking his drugs. he mentally runs calculations in his head of if he has the materials needed to counteract the drug, just in case. however, just to apply some pressure on the emotional wound—the healing alongside the pain: ]
... this is your final trial. You've cured her, and now just need to let yourself be cured.
Then you will have the rest of your life to come to terms with what you've done.
[ it is the carrot and the stick.
to give lucas the option of a future to selfishly keep living, even though he's taken so many lives. just for the sake of taking care of his sister, who does still desperately need him. and to simultaneously acknowledge that it doesn't erase the damage of his sins. if he lives a long life, then he will have that much longer to face penance before giving in to hades.
(scien does think it will get better. when the catholic guilt subsides, because no human is capable of feeling such an extreme emotion forever and needs to eventually return to homeostasis. when lucas remembers how much he loves teaching, and how ecstatic he'll be when nadia is able to take her first steps into the sunlight without worry. scien just doesn't mention it because lucas doesn't want salvation right now; even though scien is already thinking of how to orchestrate it in the background.) ]
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Right now, it just feels like it'll be this way forever. Every day having to face the fact that he's a horrible, evil person and a killer who has taken so many lives and futures from others, every day forcing himself forward through a mire of exhaustion and misery and having to remind himself that it's the very least he deserves for everything he's done. For Nadia, he'll suffer any agony - but it's a heavy weight.
The silence stretches on again for a while.]
...Is that all for today?
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... for today.
[ he's an impatient person. he wants lucas to wake up and get over his trauma already, but he also knows that exhaustion and despair will make it hard for anything to permeate.
so he'll let go. for today. ]
Come back to me when your head is clearer. Go find what rest you can.
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But for now, he'll just take another step away from hole.]
...Goodbye.
[Just because it'd feel strange to just leave without saying anything when he can't be seen. THAT'S JUST IT THAT'S ALL HE SAYS AND THEN HE JUST BOUNCES.]