[YEAH BYE. Also it's mostly the sin. He's really entering his guilty Catholic era now even though he's always been there, just protected by the bubble of insane drugs.]
[ it's fine. famine isn't in a rush, and lets the occasional silence lull between them. though when they ask their question again, it is still patient and slow. ]
... is it difficult to wrap your mind around what you have done?
[ if this insane breakdown came from a theoretical conversation about good and evil ]
[Truly it's just a spiral of Lucas looking into a mirror and going "....AM I EVIL????" but like, not fully looking at it head-on so he doesn't completely disintegrate. In a place like this, with so many people he already feels responsible for, he's working against himself to keep his shit together.
But the question is met with more silence. A long stretch of it, and then:]
...I send them to Heaven to keep her safe. [THE INSANITY IN THIS SINGLE SENTENCE.] But this...
[His walking slows a little further, and a little further still, until he eventually comes to a stop in the fog. Good thing they're sticking close or he would be lost forever.
He just sort of stares ahead into the mist for a few seconds before nodding.]
[DID GOD PUT LUCAS THROUGH THIS OR DID LUCAS PUT LUCAS THROUGH THIS!!!
Now that he's teetering on the realization that he's done murdered scores of people rather than just sending demons to heaven, he is not sure he agrees with this.]
...I don't...
[Know about that? Want to keep suffering? Both! He's tired. He just wants to be done. Unfortunately there's more suffering ahead!]
[Even though it's light and gentle and careful, he still flinches a little, like he hadn't seen the gesture coming even though he'd been looking straight ahead. But...
This is fine enough. If he doesn't have to come to a conclusion, he won't. It's too difficult, and he's too tired.]
...I just want for her to be well.
[Said in a soft and quiet little voice. If nothing else comes of his life, if his stay here ends in death, at least his prayers have finally been answered.]
This is fine, though. This is fine!! He will allow this. Dealing with the consequences are a tomorrow Lucas problem, or at least a post-shower Lucas problem.]
also now that you know who famine is, i'm going to say he puts some medicine in lucas's tea to take the edge off his detox for a few hours we can let go of this thread now bye ]
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... what is on your mind?
[ besides the SIN ]
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I'm not certain.
[A mostly honest kinda lie.]
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What is the part that is upsetting you?
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Anyway the answer to that is so complex he can't even word it. Maybe just the fact that he feels mentally fractured.]
...All of it. I don't— understand...
[HOW COULD A LOVING GOD CAUSE SUCH AGONY.]
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... is it difficult to wrap your mind around what you have done?
[ if this insane breakdown came from a theoretical conversation about good and evil ]
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But the question is met with more silence. A long stretch of it, and then:]
...I send them to Heaven to keep her safe. [THE INSANITY IN THIS SINGLE SENTENCE.] But this...
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slowly putting the picture together: ]
... did you do it for the medicine?
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He just sort of stares ahead into the mist for a few seconds before nodding.]
...This should be the last.
[The last trial.]
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What makes you certain of that?
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[Except return to Nadia's side but surely that won't involve killing more people! A loving god wouldn't ask such a thing of him!]
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[Why does he have so much faith in this HORRIBLE SKY GOD.]
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Why would they stop?
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Closes his mouth.
THIS IS A HORRIFYING REALIZATION.]
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Will you continue to answer the calls?
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SPEAKING OF, FOR HIS OWN SAKE:]
...They won't. God is more merciful than that.
[THIS IS HIS LAST TRIAL AND BY GOD IT WILL BE HIS LAST TRIAL.]
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[ plainly. and with a slight hint of frustration: ]
You've suffered more than enough.
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Now that he's teetering on the realization that he's done murdered scores of people rather than just sending demons to heaven, he is not sure he agrees with this.]
...I don't...
[Know about that? Want to keep suffering? Both! He's tired. He just wants to be done. Unfortunately there's more suffering ahead!]
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famine will reach out again to lightly tap the center of lucas' forehead through his bangs. the movement is slow and almost gentle. ]
You do not need to come to a conclusion tonight.
All the same, your life is in your hands. You have saved her. What all of that means will become clearer in time.
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This is fine enough. If he doesn't have to come to a conclusion, he won't. It's too difficult, and he's too tired.]
...I just want for her to be well.
[Said in a soft and quiet little voice. If nothing else comes of his life, if his stay here ends in death, at least his prayers have finally been answered.]
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famine's hand pulls back slightly, for a moment, before they settle on tucking some of lucas's hair behind his ear. ]
She will be. You've worked this hard.
[ even if the ghosts of that will haunt him. even if he will have to reconcile on what that hard work consisted of. all that still waits for him. ]
If nothing else, then you know that for certain. Her health will improve. [ a beat ] And she will look for you.
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This is fine, though. This is fine!! He will allow this. Dealing with the consequences are a tomorrow Lucas problem, or at least a post-shower Lucas problem.]
...I know. I want to return to her side.
[Alive! Too bad that will not happen.]
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and then, plainly: ]
There is nothing wrong with desire.
As long as you can achieve what you want.
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I'll do everything in my power.
[UNFORTUNATELY FOR EVERYONE HERE. But he'll drift to their side a little after that, like he's waiting for them to take the lead again.]
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also now that you know who famine is, i'm going to say he puts some medicine in lucas's tea to take the edge off his detox for a few hours we can let go of this thread now bye ]