[ he rubs at his face, briefly frustrated before moving to stand again. he reaches for his tablet ]
So make peace with your death so that you have no regrets, but go out trying if you want. You are officially the master of your own fate as of this moment.
...I'll try. They- they both would have wanted me to try.
[...]
And I... want to live.
[i, teej, am like LET HIM DIE CMON but. tch. character development.]
But in order to make peace with it, I need to be sure I use that wish. I- I'd like your help with that... I know what I want, but I don't know whether I would be able to put it in the right way, or if there might be something I'm overlooking.
[and so he wants a more practical opinion than his own, on what he wants to do.]
[nvm i realized he will die anyway bc i committed to using my 3 shares before he learned this so he can't actually say his partner is dead
he takes a sip of the tea before he answers, setting the cup down, both hands wrapped around it so he doesn't miss when he next picks it back up.]
...um, what you saw in my memory was just before I woke up here. She ran, but I have no way to know whether she was safe, or whether she successfully escaped... so I'd like to use it in a way that ensures Ceres is saved.
[WE'LL SEE IF ANY OF THOSE SPECIFIC PEOPLE ARE LIKE YEAH MINE IS DEAD BUT LET ME TELL YOU TWO OF THOSE PEOPLE WERE LUCAS AND CAMILLE,
he thinks, for a moment.]
...I want to be certain she can escape Camille, and live. If it's possible, then... I want to be sure that she ends up cured in the timeline I came from as well as yours.
She cannot be healed alone. If she is, then the rest of the island will never escape the curse.
[ and he has a feeling that mathis doesn't want that, even if it means that ceres will be able to stop killing people close to her ]
So instead, do this: have her safely arrive at the Institute with the knowledge that the soil is contaminated and her foster brother is a Drifter. She can bargain that information for safety.
There's more that can be said... but the wish isn't so powerful that we can just dump all the information on her. However, this is enough to put them on the right path to resolving everything. At the very least, she'll be safe since I won't kill someone who provides assistance, and knowing of the Second Drifter will also be useful.
it's not exactly disapproving. he understands. and to be honest, if mathis is made out of dna and memories, there's a non-zero chance that scien can just revive him in that timeline anyway. he doesn't have all of camille's data, so he can't promise anything now.
so instead he shakes his head. the wish cannot be stretched that far. ]
but scien will ease his grip after the first grab. his hand stays there. he frowns. he parses through his emotions. he does a check systematically, like looking through flashcards for what he could be feeling.
failure.
the first time he felt this, his heart was not capable of the intensity of it. dahut and salome died while he was still an incomplete god. the only people he would ever call his friends had their lives extinguished in an instant, while he was a poisonous tunnel away. he didn't see it. he didn't hear their last words. he did not say goodbye. it was only after he remade his heart into the fullness of what it could be that the echoes of his feelings found him. remorse. regret. loneliness.
his tie to mathis is different. it is not drenched in sixty years of complexity and betrayal. ]
I picked you up because the Claude One I know treasures you even if his personality is bad, and I've taken Claude One in as a stray. When I found you, whimpering like an animal scared of its own shadow, I was annoyed.
But now I am annoyed, for what god cannot spare one measly animal from suffering?
[ how wretched is he, to not be able to accomplish this much, after all else he's done? ]
It would be more fitting to curse me. To be frustrated at my limitation. I would even let you get in a hit, if you could muster up the strength to swing.
If there is any part of you that I would tell you to learn to develop in your next life, if you manage to get one, it is to demand more of those around you.
I knew that... this might happen. I decided to find my partner and tie myself to him, to get that wish, and to make sure that he did, too. So aren't you-- aren't you saying you're frustrated because you can't change the results of my choices?
[is that what making his own choices is really supposed to be?
he shakes his head, quiet for a few moments.]
...to be honest, ever since you told me about the way things are in your timeline, I've... wondered whether it isn't better than mine, anyway. Camille is... I don't know if he's going to become like the one that you know even if I do make it home. He seemed like he was beyond any reason.
[he'd gone so entirely mad that mathis didn't recognize that person, or what he might do.]
In your timeline, there are people who are alive who aren't in mine. Similarly, in mine, there might be some people who are alive who aren't in yours. You do not inherently know that mine is better—we have had three years of pain and destruction to get here. In yours, some of that could be avoided.
... you are right that this is the result of your choices. You moved forward, knowing this risk.
However, I've also declared that I will not let you meet your end here. I still intend on upholding that, through whatever means necessary.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[for a start.]
no subject
[ he rubs at his face, briefly frustrated before moving to stand again. he reaches for his tablet ]
So make peace with your death so that you have no regrets, but go out trying if you want. You are officially the master of your own fate as of this moment.
no subject
[...]
And I... want to live.
[i, teej, am like LET HIM DIE CMON but. tch. character development.]
But in order to make peace with it, I need to be sure I use that wish. I- I'd like your help with that... I know what I want, but I don't know whether I would be able to put it in the right way, or if there might be something I'm overlooking.
[and so he wants a more practical opinion than his own, on what he wants to do.]
no subject
but scien will just nod. ]
It's a reasonable contingency plan. What is it that you want? I will work with you regarding the wish's constraints so that it can be completed.
no subject
he takes a sip of the tea before he answers, setting the cup down, both hands wrapped around it so he doesn't miss when he next picks it back up.]
...um, what you saw in my memory was just before I woke up here. She ran, but I have no way to know whether she was safe, or whether she successfully escaped... so I'd like to use it in a way that ensures Ceres is saved.
no subject
Be specific.
What do you mean "saved"?
no subject
he thinks, for a moment.]
...I want to be certain she can escape Camille, and live. If it's possible, then... I want to be sure that she ends up cured in the timeline I came from as well as yours.
no subject
but scien thinks about it briefly. ]
She cannot be healed alone. If she is, then the rest of the island will never escape the curse.
[ and he has a feeling that mathis doesn't want that, even if it means that ceres will be able to stop killing people close to her ]
So instead, do this: have her safely arrive at the Institute with the knowledge that the soil is contaminated and her foster brother is a Drifter. She can bargain that information for safety.
That ought to be enough.
no subject
[HELLO? HELLO??? SCIEN WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR TIMELINE WHAT IN THE WHAT
GOD. BACK TO THE IMPORTANT PARTS. help.]
I... all right. All right, I'll do that.
[and then, whatever she tells them about camille and mathis, whatever happens to him--
ceres will be safe. they'll be able to resolve a larger problem. and if that comes at the cost of his own safety, then that's all right.]
no subject
[ a beat, and then thoughtfully: ]
You truly don't wish to save yourself?
no subject
[so like he's open to listening but if there's any risk at all that it would stretch it too much
then no, he'd die for it.]
no subject
it's not exactly disapproving. he understands. and to be honest, if mathis is made out of dna and memories, there's a non-zero chance that scien can just revive him in that timeline anyway. he doesn't have all of camille's data, so he can't promise anything now.
so instead he shakes his head. the wish cannot be stretched that far. ]
... it's always you altruists.
no subject
[her life, everyone's lives, against his own-- it's not even a comparison.]
no subject
[ simply put ]
To have a defined answer. To know what you want is a part of knowing who you are.
I am not angry.
[ even if his newly amended heart is beginning to ache ]
no subject
[it's... a small comfort, now, but still. if he ends up dying, then he dies with that.]
...thank you, Scien.
[he knows what to do, now, in order to have no regrets if he can't save himself.]
no subject
that looks like it bothers him ]
Don't thank me.
I've done nothing to earn it.
no subject
[as if he was going to die without saying this.]
no subject
scien grips him by the head, annoyed ]
no subject
[HE'S GRABBED
please his head hurts from earlier]
no subject
but scien will ease his grip after the first grab. his hand stays there. he frowns. he parses through his emotions. he does a check systematically, like looking through flashcards for what he could be feeling.
failure.
the first time he felt this, his heart was not capable of the intensity of it. dahut and salome died while he was still an incomplete god. the only people he would ever call his friends had their lives extinguished in an instant, while he was a poisonous tunnel away. he didn't see it. he didn't hear their last words. he did not say goodbye. it was only after he remade his heart into the fullness of what it could be that the echoes of his feelings found him. remorse. regret. loneliness.
his tie to mathis is different. it is not drenched in sixty years of complexity and betrayal. ]
I picked you up because the Claude One I know treasures you even if his personality is bad, and I've taken Claude One in as a stray. When I found you, whimpering like an animal scared of its own shadow, I was annoyed.
But now I am annoyed, for what god cannot spare one measly animal from suffering?
[ how wretched is he, to not be able to accomplish this much, after all else he's done? ]
It would be more fitting to curse me. To be frustrated at my limitation. I would even let you get in a hit, if you could muster up the strength to swing.
If there is any part of you that I would tell you to learn to develop in your next life, if you manage to get one, it is to demand more of those around you.
no subject
[is that what making his own choices is really supposed to be?
he shakes his head, quiet for a few moments.]
...to be honest, ever since you told me about the way things are in your timeline, I've... wondered whether it isn't better than mine, anyway. Camille is... I don't know if he's going to become like the one that you know even if I do make it home. He seemed like he was beyond any reason.
[he'd gone so entirely mad that mathis didn't recognize that person, or what he might do.]
no subject
[ stubbornly, no. ]
In your timeline, there are people who are alive who aren't in mine. Similarly, in mine, there might be some people who are alive who aren't in yours. You do not inherently know that mine is better—we have had three years of pain and destruction to get here. In yours, some of that could be avoided.
... you are right that this is the result of your choices. You moved forward, knowing this risk.
However, I've also declared that I will not let you meet your end here. I still intend on upholding that, through whatever means necessary.
no subject
[he may in fact still be making sure mathis doesn't die here.]
no subject
See to it that you do.
Until the very last moment, I also will not give up on you.