[HELP listen. all of you are so cranky. it's endearing.]
Gods, well, I would if I even knew how to. I don't know! I like him a lot, we talked - he's got little secrets of mine that I didn't think I'd give. I'm fucking upset. I wanted more time.
[ and she's doing it... famine otherwise listens and sighs. they'd just talked about how she'd struggle with her feelings if she was in a place where she couldn't help her friends... ]
... everyone will always want more time. That is the ache of letting someone in. [ it's not said judgmentally, only objectively ]
He'll die tomorrow. It's wasteful, but the only spell we could find that would sufficiently weaken the monster and prevent him from killing more people required a blood payment.
[ cyborg... blood... payment
but they frown about it ]
I would not go so far as to call it loving people... but you are correct that great adoration cannot come without great mourning. For the privilege of knowing someone, the cost is the silence that comes when they are no longer around. However you must hold onto both in equal measure to respect him, or else that care would be nothing but words.
You do not seem like that type of person, and I would hate to be disappointed.
Might as well be. Whatever was being all second-rate villain at us wasn't him.
[stubbornly. but.]
... He's got charm. He wants to protect kids, his stupid fucking non-cursing was hysterical. [she struggles with tenses here, tail swishing in agitation.] He had heart. Has heart.
she has to. take a second, because this kills the karlach, but all she really does is pull her knees to her chest and wrap her tail around her ankles.]
You're not laughing now. [ a beat. a frown. ] I suppose you don't have to be.
... but I think you should be with someone who can give you a hug.
[ as if anything is stopping famine when they have two fucking arms ]
I do not care if you want to sit in the dirt with me and be sad. That's fine. [ . . . ] But I do not know how to look after you, and I think you should be looked after instead of trying to protect everyone else, for once.
[THIS IS LIKE ACTUALLY KIND OF SWEET?? what the fuck famine. pinches their cheeks.
a pause, as she sort of digest that, and then she does actually smile. it's small and lame and it doesn't last very long, but it's there. there's a warmth to it.]
I've had hugs tonight. [she says, inanely, and then just kind of grimaces at herself, and:] I've had - there's been people who tried. And I love them for that.
You haven't got to know how to look after me. I wanted to be here. [she clears her throat.] Thank you. That's probably the nicest thing you could've said, actually.
[coming from famine, anyway. the bar is in the dirt.]
Hm. I cannot relate entirely, but I have seen such vile movements before.
[ but famine nods slowly, almost in time with her exhale ]
It cannot be expected for you to unlearn your defense mechanisms overnight, or even over the course of a few months. Even therapy takes longer than that. It is not a judgement made against you.
Rather... I simply find it unbalanced. To care and seek to protect as deeply as you do, and not be taken care of and protected in turn.
The world is cruel and unkind in most situations. People are often looking out for themselves, and perhaps a select few they have room to care for. Not all of them are horrendous, but most of them are more cowardly.
[ they don't sound angry or spiteful in their assessment. their tone is neutral, despite their harshness. as if this is simply a description of reality ]
People like you who still endeavor to improve upon their circumstances, and take on others' burdens willingly, are anomalies. They will still suffer the same harsh environment, or sometimes more. That is unbalanced.
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... as much as I could like a coworker, I suppose. The other two aren't bad either. I'll have to make sure they live.
[ looking to her ]
Should I not inquire about your heart? It is softer than mine, regardless of whether or not it resides in your chest.
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[just throws that out there.
as for the rest, she just. exhales.]
I'm sad, I'm sure it's obvious. [she rubs at her face.] I wanted a chance to prove Death wrong. And Boothill's...
[lord she doesn't get into that.]
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but anyway ]
Finish your sentence. I cannot read your mind.
[ get into it.... ]
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Gods, well, I would if I even knew how to. I don't know! I like him a lot, we talked - he's got little secrets of mine that I didn't think I'd give. I'm fucking upset. I wanted more time.
I always want more time.
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[ and she's doing it... famine otherwise listens and sighs. they'd just talked about how she'd struggle with her feelings if she was in a place where she couldn't help her friends... ]
... everyone will always want more time. That is the ache of letting someone in. [ it's not said judgmentally, only objectively ]
Do you regret your choice to get to know him?
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she knows this about herself, though. she knows she cares a lot and that it hurts when she does, but.]
No. I don't. Not for a second. [...] That's the whole point of living. Loving people.
... What's going to happen to him? I only half understood the blood thing.
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[ cyborg... blood... payment
but they frown about it ]
I would not go so far as to call it loving people... but you are correct that great adoration cannot come without great mourning. For the privilege of knowing someone, the cost is the silence that comes when they are no longer around. However you must hold onto both in equal measure to respect him, or else that care would be nothing but words.
You do not seem like that type of person, and I would hate to be disappointed.
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silence, as she listens, and at the end - she laughs, a little. just once. sad, flat.]
Well. I'd hate to disappoint you. [...] I'll carry him as long as I've got left.
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[ tilts head ]
... what is it about him that you enjoy? You do not need to speak as though he is already dead.
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[stubbornly. but.]
... He's got charm. He wants to protect kids, his stupid fucking non-cursing was hysterical. [she struggles with tenses here, tail swishing in agitation.] He had heart. Has heart.
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[ is that better or worse? it's hard to say. ]
Favorite non-curse curse? The one about butter and biscuits today was pretty good.
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she has to. take a second, because this kills the karlach, but all she really does is pull her knees to her chest and wrap her tail around her ankles.]
... Son of a nice lady made me laugh.
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famine actually fucking rises from the dirt to sitt up
they'll turn to face her ]
... Oi.
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she looks surprised that they sit up...]
What.
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... but I think you should be with someone who can give you a hug.
[ as if anything is stopping famine when they have two fucking arms ]
I do not care if you want to sit in the dirt with me and be sad. That's fine. [ . . . ] But I do not know how to look after you, and I think you should be looked after instead of trying to protect everyone else, for once.
[ this is so stupid wish they were normal ]
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a pause, as she sort of digest that, and then she does actually smile. it's small and lame and it doesn't last very long, but it's there. there's a warmth to it.]
I've had hugs tonight. [she says, inanely, and then just kind of grimaces at herself, and:] I've had - there's been people who tried. And I love them for that.
You haven't got to know how to look after me. I wanted to be here. [she clears her throat.] Thank you. That's probably the nicest thing you could've said, actually.
[coming from famine, anyway. the bar is in the dirt.]
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but there is a slightly frown. it has a perplexed quality to it. ]
... is it difficult? For you to allow people to take care of you.
[ since she trailed off, and said people only tried ]
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her tail does the little flicky thing cats do when they're Activated.]
A little. Haven't had anybody do it for me for ten years. [she can admit that.]
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Too cutthroat in the Hells? [ taking a guess. still, they continue to frown in thought ]
... You ought to let someone, someday. When you think it's safe to.
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[but. she exhales slow.]
... I'll try. It's slow going, but I'm trying.
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[ but famine nods slowly, almost in time with her exhale ]
It cannot be expected for you to unlearn your defense mechanisms overnight, or even over the course of a few months. Even therapy takes longer than that. It is not a judgement made against you.
Rather... I simply find it unbalanced. To care and seek to protect as deeply as you do, and not be taken care of and protected in turn.
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karlach does not, she just rests her head on top of her knees.]
You think it's unbalanced? [she asks this like with genuine curiosity.]
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The world is cruel and unkind in most situations. People are often looking out for themselves, and perhaps a select few they have room to care for. Not all of them are horrendous, but most of them are more cowardly.
[ they don't sound angry or spiteful in their assessment. their tone is neutral, despite their harshness. as if this is simply a description of reality ]
People like you who still endeavor to improve upon their circumstances, and take on others' burdens willingly, are anomalies. They will still suffer the same harsh environment, or sometimes more. That is unbalanced.
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You talk like I'm a specimen sometimes. [she says, a little amused.] A little rabbit in a wizard's hat.
[a beat.]
Guess I don't really disagree. But I would argue there's more good than bad.
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Do I... [ they hadn't realized ] I do not know how else to discuss what I don't understand.
[ hearts and people naturally predisposed to love ]
But it would be fitting that you'd say that, even if it's simultaneously unexpected given all you've experienced.
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