[if she doesn't fall on him at least once what even is the point
she does go when he guides, breathing in and out steadily. forcing herself to, to not panic. silence, for a moment.]
I know - I know you do. [she trusts him.] Fuck.
... Are you okay? [she can't like - she really thinks that grief she felt has to be for something else. she has a lot of confidence and a lot of self-worth but thinking that he cares that much seems like... selfish? almost? or presumptuous.]
[ he sits with her through the silence, and he mirrors her breaths. the hand at her back rubs her back in the exact same rhythm, everything lining up with one another in sync.
at the question, he frowns slightly and finds himself glad she can't see it ]
... no. [ softly. and his voice sounds a little hoarse. a little thick with emotion ] But it's alright that I'm not. Eventually, I will be.
If there is any worthwhile reason to feel, then it is for this.
[ for her and her life, and the unacceptable nature of losing it. ]
[that gets her, and she's silent for a moment, taking in the hoarseness, the way his voice struggles slightly.
death has been such a strange thing here, for her. for most of them, probably. but in her own experience, over time it was less something she was desperately afraid of, and more a relief. the first time she woke up here, she was reduced to laughter, free of the monster in her chest, free of the pain she knew she was going to have to endure, free of the shackle that meant she'd have to hurt someone she loved again.
the second time, it was a relief, too. in the darkest part of the dawn, sitting with izutsumi, asking if she could be done. the third time, it was a choice. it was done with confidence, to save daan, and she did not regret it. but this time - this time, it was so fast. sudden, that she barely had time to think about it. she absently brings her free hand to rest over her abdomen, trying to find the scar left behind. this time, she isn't sure how to feel about it.
and then, carefully, she turns, and pulls him into a hug, hiding her face. for both of them, she thinks.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
she does go when he guides, breathing in and out steadily. forcing herself to, to not panic. silence, for a moment.]
I know - I know you do. [she trusts him.] Fuck.
... Are you okay? [she can't like - she really thinks that grief she felt has to be for something else. she has a lot of confidence and a lot of self-worth but thinking that he cares that much seems like... selfish? almost? or presumptuous.]
no subject
at the question, he frowns slightly and finds himself glad she can't see it ]
... no. [ softly. and his voice sounds a little hoarse. a little thick with emotion ] But it's alright that I'm not. Eventually, I will be.
If there is any worthwhile reason to feel, then it is for this.
[ for her and her life, and the unacceptable nature of losing it. ]
no subject
death has been such a strange thing here, for her. for most of them, probably. but in her own experience, over time it was less something she was desperately afraid of, and more a relief. the first time she woke up here, she was reduced to laughter, free of the monster in her chest, free of the pain she knew she was going to have to endure, free of the shackle that meant she'd have to hurt someone she loved again.
the second time, it was a relief, too. in the darkest part of the dawn, sitting with izutsumi, asking if she could be done. the third time, it was a choice. it was done with confidence, to save daan, and she did not regret it. but this time - this time, it was so fast. sudden, that she barely had time to think about it. she absently brings her free hand to rest over her abdomen, trying to find the scar left behind. this time, she isn't sure how to feel about it.
and then, carefully, she turns, and pulls him into a hug, hiding her face. for both of them, she thinks.]
M'sorry.