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[THE WAY THIS IS ALSO JUST A SATURDAY FOR SCIEN AND IT'S THE WORST TIME LUCAS HAS HAD IN A WEEK.
Well. He's right in saying that Lucas can't properly absorb anything. This simple act of putting this choice between helping or harming into his hands is enough to shred his shaky stability like wet tissue paper. He's on his feet again and it's a good thing that Scien is just a hologram, because there's the distant chant of a voice that is and isn't his own, a soft kill, kill, kill, kill that urges him to take this man's life, even though he quite literally can't.
So really, given that, is he a kind person? Is kindness what's at his core? He wants to be these things - patient and considerate and good, but is he? His hands are so bloody and he thought he never wanted to shed blood again, but here he is, palms itching with violent intent. It's funny; not unlike a form of possession, where he is both innocent host and vile monster, and the core of him chokes out I don't want to hurt anyone, but his thoughts and his heart are such a tangle that the words barely survive.]
Stop talking. [Sharp, biting. He can't tell where his own hurt anger ends and where the bloodthirst that is or isn't his begins, and he doesn't want to hear any of these painful words from a man who knows him far too well. Lashing out is easy. He speaks more as Bourreau than Lucas Proust, but the two are one in the same, aren't they?]
If you leave it in my hands, then I leave you to suffer. If you're waiting on my spoken word, then I'll say it clearly: don't take them. Carry on as you have been. Not even great pain would stop you, isn't that so? Does it even bother you? Can you really feel it? It hardly matters, anyway.
[At which point he just turns on his heel like he's going to leave. BITCHASS HOLOGRAM.]
Well. He's right in saying that Lucas can't properly absorb anything. This simple act of putting this choice between helping or harming into his hands is enough to shred his shaky stability like wet tissue paper. He's on his feet again and it's a good thing that Scien is just a hologram, because there's the distant chant of a voice that is and isn't his own, a soft kill, kill, kill, kill that urges him to take this man's life, even though he quite literally can't.
So really, given that, is he a kind person? Is kindness what's at his core? He wants to be these things - patient and considerate and good, but is he? His hands are so bloody and he thought he never wanted to shed blood again, but here he is, palms itching with violent intent. It's funny; not unlike a form of possession, where he is both innocent host and vile monster, and the core of him chokes out I don't want to hurt anyone, but his thoughts and his heart are such a tangle that the words barely survive.]
Stop talking. [Sharp, biting. He can't tell where his own hurt anger ends and where the bloodthirst that is or isn't his begins, and he doesn't want to hear any of these painful words from a man who knows him far too well. Lashing out is easy. He speaks more as Bourreau than Lucas Proust, but the two are one in the same, aren't they?]
If you leave it in my hands, then I leave you to suffer. If you're waiting on my spoken word, then I'll say it clearly: don't take them. Carry on as you have been. Not even great pain would stop you, isn't that so? Does it even bother you? Can you really feel it? It hardly matters, anyway.
[At which point he just turns on his heel like he's going to leave. BITCHASS HOLOGRAM.]
Wait, Lucas. At least hear the results of your choice.
[ a voice that carries the confidence of a god, even one that's been forsaken. he doesn't raise his voice, and he doesn't sound angry even as he's been told that he should be left to suffer by the same person that he's made every effort to save. that he would choose to save, no matter what. scien will also move to stand, even if he doesn't follow ]
For forty-eight hours, I won't take them to honor your decision. The effects of what I just took should fade entirely in half that time. [ and honestly if he forgets after, that's on him. scien has gone longer without his meds, but he wants to honor that little voice that said he doesn't want to hurt ] But when you've had time, and your mind clears, you can come back at any moment if you decide to change your answer. I don't care if it's in five minutes or five hours.
No one's dying. You have the ability to change your mind if you do something that you regret. [ because scien has a feeling that lucas will regret this. but before, people forced him into things. threatened him. made him hurt others and he couldn't fight back or change his mind. if he feels like lashing out at scien for this long, so be it. but if he doesn't, he has the power to stop ]
... I don't mind if you don't. To make up for what I encouraged you to do when cursed, I should suffer at least this much. It makes sense that you would seek to lash out and make things even.
[ so scien accepts it without irritation, when he's the one who forced lucas to make a sacrifice and cold turkey detox without his meds for a week before nehan got to him ]
But you should know that it hurts. That Relivers feel pain. That for me, every breath will make living unbearable even if I try to ignore it. You are not the only one skilled at adapting. I'm not angry with you, but I won't let you run away from reality either.
[ a voice that carries the confidence of a god, even one that's been forsaken. he doesn't raise his voice, and he doesn't sound angry even as he's been told that he should be left to suffer by the same person that he's made every effort to save. that he would choose to save, no matter what. scien will also move to stand, even if he doesn't follow ]
For forty-eight hours, I won't take them to honor your decision. The effects of what I just took should fade entirely in half that time. [ and honestly if he forgets after, that's on him. scien has gone longer without his meds, but he wants to honor that little voice that said he doesn't want to hurt ] But when you've had time, and your mind clears, you can come back at any moment if you decide to change your answer. I don't care if it's in five minutes or five hours.
No one's dying. You have the ability to change your mind if you do something that you regret. [ because scien has a feeling that lucas will regret this. but before, people forced him into things. threatened him. made him hurt others and he couldn't fight back or change his mind. if he feels like lashing out at scien for this long, so be it. but if he doesn't, he has the power to stop ]
... I don't mind if you don't. To make up for what I encouraged you to do when cursed, I should suffer at least this much. It makes sense that you would seek to lash out and make things even.
[ so scien accepts it without irritation, when he's the one who forced lucas to make a sacrifice and cold turkey detox without his meds for a week before nehan got to him ]
But you should know that it hurts. That Relivers feel pain. That for me, every breath will make living unbearable even if I try to ignore it. You are not the only one skilled at adapting. I'm not angry with you, but I won't let you run away from reality either.
[He does stop when his name is called out, if nothing else. The voice of a god will always give pause to a believer, after all, even in the midst of lashing out with sharp teeth and claws.
But he doesn't say anything, and he doesn't turn back around. He listens, but it's hard to tell how much of what he hears actually sinks in in the moment. SCIEN REALLY GAVE HIM ONE TOUGH CHALLENGE AND HIS BRAIN IMMEDIATELY BECAME SCRAMBLED EGGS.
In any case, it ends with "I won't let you run away from reality", and with Lucas standing still for a few seconds longer before he does take his leave, saying nothing else, not bothering to look back. GUOBA GUOBA GOOBY UNTIL EITHER SUNDAY OR MONDAY it's late enough on Saturday that he will not get over his brain scramblies and fury in time to come jingle jestering back in just a few hours. What a time to be alive.]
But he doesn't say anything, and he doesn't turn back around. He listens, but it's hard to tell how much of what he hears actually sinks in in the moment. SCIEN REALLY GAVE HIM ONE TOUGH CHALLENGE AND HIS BRAIN IMMEDIATELY BECAME SCRAMBLED EGGS.
In any case, it ends with "I won't let you run away from reality", and with Lucas standing still for a few seconds longer before he does take his leave, saying nothing else, not bothering to look back. GUOBA GUOBA GOOBY UNTIL EITHER SUNDAY OR MONDAY it's late enough on Saturday that he will not get over his brain scramblies and fury in time to come jingle jestering back in just a few hours. What a time to be alive.]
| [ stop listen here glad he can shock you, lucas, but don't smile about it!!!!!!! there was no better more condescending way to say the living just can't shut up, baby!!! ] I suppose we shouldn't expect any less from this place. You keep Nehan busy, and the ones over here keep the swamp busy. |
[HE SMILED ABOUT IT IT'S TOO LATE HE CAN'T UNDO HIS SMILE. He just looks tired at the mention of the swamp, though.]
So it seems... Ah - though we did get our own unpleasant healing pools, this week. They seem to have similar effects to uses of the swamp. [...] No one died, but Aventurine and Cloud were very roughed up from their fog trip, so they tested it out.
[Good work lads.]
So it seems... Ah - though we did get our own unpleasant healing pools, this week. They seem to have similar effects to uses of the swamp. [...] No one died, but Aventurine and Cloud were very roughed up from their fog trip, so they tested it out.
[Good work lads.]
[ no i withhold them for leverage :gun:
lucas really out here like wow this guy could do with some catholicism. but it is, ultimately, a good thing. a lost child with a happy ending. at least one survivor who was cherished and learned to forgive himself. it's no child's fault that one might be raised more kindly than the other. also nehan tried to ruin seox's life like three times in one month and seox was cool about it so the backtalk was a little deserved.
still, he hums quietly. ]
I do. [ he doesn't mind getting personal, though there's a little skip in the conversation, a tiny beat. ] Or I did, anyway. I don't have the energy for it these days.
But no matter how many years I told myself he was a victim, it didn't stop me from resenting him. The heart is ugly like that.
lucas really out here like wow this guy could do with some catholicism. but it is, ultimately, a good thing. a lost child with a happy ending. at least one survivor who was cherished and learned to forgive himself. it's no child's fault that one might be raised more kindly than the other. also nehan tried to ruin seox's life like three times in one month and seox was cool about it so the backtalk was a little deserved.
still, he hums quietly. ]
I do. [ he doesn't mind getting personal, though there's a little skip in the conversation, a tiny beat. ] Or I did, anyway. I don't have the energy for it these days.
But no matter how many years I told myself he was a victim, it didn't stop me from resenting him. The heart is ugly like that.
[LEVERAGE FOR WHAT :TAILS: DONT JUST GUN ME ALSO THATS NOT AN EMOTE KILLS YOU IN COLD BLOOD
Anyway. That's so funny he was really determined huh. Well. This is fine. The heart is ugly like that! And yet, Lucas was willing to die at 23 to keep his, anyway, in all its ugly pieces. Emotion doesn't follow logic. As far as he's concerned, it can't be quantified or rationalized, even though he thinks he knows of some who may well disagree.]
There's often no sense in attempting to reason with feelings... But when you lose something so precious, resentment is rather natural, I think.
[In the same way that people here can be angry and upset at their possessed killers, even if things smooth out sooner or later.]
Is it better? Not having the energy for it.
Anyway. That's so funny he was really determined huh. Well. This is fine. The heart is ugly like that! And yet, Lucas was willing to die at 23 to keep his, anyway, in all its ugly pieces. Emotion doesn't follow logic. As far as he's concerned, it can't be quantified or rationalized, even though he thinks he knows of some who may well disagree.]
There's often no sense in attempting to reason with feelings... But when you lose something so precious, resentment is rather natural, I think.
[In the same way that people here can be angry and upset at their possessed killers, even if things smooth out sooner or later.]
Is it better? Not having the energy for it.
[STOP TELLING HIS CRIMES HE DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING BUT DIE IN A FIRE LISTEN HERE.]
Oh, the memory loss? That didn't last overly-long.
[He is being obtuse on purpose because he does not want to talk about his mental health which is terrible always because his brain is Catholic soup.]
Oh, the memory loss? That didn't last overly-long.
[He is being obtuse on purpose because he does not want to talk about his mental health which is terrible always because his brain is Catholic soup.]
[ he shows up! he's corporeal and was in the middle of lounging somewhere, tablet in hand. his mostly neutral, normal and non-crunchy emotions are pretty calm, though there is a thin, thin, thin layer of discomfort beneath it all.
it lingers even when lucas shows up, and though it's a stretch to call it happiness, there are a few positive and appreciative notes coming from scien's emotions when he does ]
Welcome back.
[ like lucas didn't tell him to suffer last they met ]
it lingers even when lucas shows up, and though it's a stretch to call it happiness, there are a few positive and appreciative notes coming from scien's emotions when he does ]
Welcome back.
[ like lucas didn't tell him to suffer last they met ]
[ :BEEGUN: THEN anyway if you do not give me thoughtshares or memshares or emoshares you receive nothing
he's spent a long time trying to rationalize. why is it that someone who hurt others could grow up loved? why does he still resent someone who was simply a child driven to a mad end? so many questions with no reasonable answer. rationality can only take you so far in a world strung up on irrational emotions. he hadn't stopped ichiban from beating lucas's beautiful face in. he doesn't stop lucas from protecting his family with all that he is. ]
Better...? [ it's a hollow-sounding word when he says it, pondering. ] I suppose.
[ it's not emoshare though so his actual feelings aren't on display here. ]
Though things like anger, regret, sorrow... they do serve a purpose, I think.
he's spent a long time trying to rationalize. why is it that someone who hurt others could grow up loved? why does he still resent someone who was simply a child driven to a mad end? so many questions with no reasonable answer. rationality can only take you so far in a world strung up on irrational emotions. he hadn't stopped ichiban from beating lucas's beautiful face in. he doesn't stop lucas from protecting his family with all that he is. ]
Better...? [ it's a hollow-sounding word when he says it, pondering. ] I suppose.
[ it's not emoshare though so his actual feelings aren't on display here. ]
Though things like anger, regret, sorrow... they do serve a purpose, I think.
[AAAAAAAA PESTO HIS FAVORITE!!!!! The feelings here are so uncomplicated comparatively; he's just fond and pleased, and there isn't even a lot of Catholic Guilt hanging out in the background even if it never completely goes away. HE CATCHES HER IN HIS BUFF TWINK ARMS.]
Hello, my dear! It's so lovely to see you even more properly now.
Hello, my dear! It's so lovely to see you even more properly now.
[NOOOOOOOOO I'LL GIVE....... I'LL GIVE!!!!!! all of his memories are just horrible cult drug times cards through them i could give him the horrible memory of every fucking doctor refusing to treat nadia i suppose
Life sure is hard when you can't rationalize the things your heart or even brain do, though, huh. Maybe Scien was on to something with the intentionally-kept bug of Relivers just fucking not having some of their emotions. (He would never actually think this because he is feral about the human heart, unfortunately.)
He's quiet for a second.]
"Better" would have been more accurate, I suppose. [The air quotes are audible.] I think that they serve a purpose, too. A person without the ability to feel can be even more dangerous than someone with emotions that they can't understand or control.
Life sure is hard when you can't rationalize the things your heart or even brain do, though, huh. Maybe Scien was on to something with the intentionally-kept bug of Relivers just fucking not having some of their emotions. (He would never actually think this because he is feral about the human heart, unfortunately.)
He's quiet for a second.]
"Better" would have been more accurate, I suppose. [The air quotes are audible.] I think that they serve a purpose, too. A person without the ability to feel can be even more dangerous than someone with emotions that they can't understand or control.
[WELL THE FIRST EMOTION THAT BLASTS ACROSS IS JUST SURPRISE because he completely forgot that things change on Mondays and he hadn't been expecting corporeal Scien.
But that's a there and gone emotion, and it leaves behind the wholeass fucking mess of feelings Lucas has. HE FEELS THINGS SO LOUDLY AND SO MESSILY. There's exhaustion and concern and something fretful and so, so terribly guilty, and displeasure and discomfort, but also a twisting sort of venomous violence and anger threading through everything, impossible to fully pick out or separate. Also, Catholic Guilt. It's just there separate from the other guilt he feels, existing as a constant backdrop. He's a nightmare creature.]
Ah... ["WELCOME BACK" he says, feeling positive and appreciative notes, and now there's also confusion and uncertainty added to the emotional soup pot of Lucas's feelings. But after that, it's back to the GUILT and the SHAME and other feelings that Catholics are built on.]
...I just... came to ask you to take your medication, please...
But that's a there and gone emotion, and it leaves behind the wholeass fucking mess of feelings Lucas has. HE FEELS THINGS SO LOUDLY AND SO MESSILY. There's exhaustion and concern and something fretful and so, so terribly guilty, and displeasure and discomfort, but also a twisting sort of venomous violence and anger threading through everything, impossible to fully pick out or separate. Also, Catholic Guilt. It's just there separate from the other guilt he feels, existing as a constant backdrop. He's a nightmare creature.]
Ah... ["WELCOME BACK" he says, feeling positive and appreciative notes, and now there's also confusion and uncertainty added to the emotional soup pot of Lucas's feelings. But after that, it's back to the GUILT and the SHAME and other feelings that Catholics are built on.]
...I just... came to ask you to take your medication, please...
[ scien maintains his composure, even feeling all of lucas's emotions. there is a sense of curiosity, idle and wondering, like he wants to reach out and grasp an understanding of everything that's coming his way—but it is placed in the periphery compared to everything else.
when lucas makes his statement, scien's emotions are simple again. only the smallest sense of surprise, nearly nothing compared to the emotions of gratitude. relief. some pride. ]
Then I will.
[ the room shifts slightly just to show what scien reaches for behind him, a complicated looking machine that'll prepare some vials in the background. he'll let that run and then look back to lucas, raising a brow ]
Thanks for changing your mind. Come closer?
when lucas makes his statement, scien's emotions are simple again. only the smallest sense of surprise, nearly nothing compared to the emotions of gratitude. relief. some pride. ]
Then I will.
[ the room shifts slightly just to show what scien reaches for behind him, a complicated looking machine that'll prepare some vials in the background. he'll let that run and then look back to lucas, raising a brow ]
Thanks for changing your mind. Come closer?
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